Replies to '02/10 Last Chance'

I am a wife in a situation like yours-  

My husband was not supportive in ANY way; while I put my whole being into taking care of everyone and supporting everyone and the household.  

I asked him to leave, he wanted to work things out, but not make any changes. He moved out almost a year ago.  

He said he still loved me, but would not choose me and two young sons over his playing with race cars and his redneck friends and improper relationships/friendships with other women. 

I still  want to work things out, but this means making changes he is not willing to make.  

I would willingly make changes to accomodate, but only if they are healthy changes, not enabling poor behavior! 

My advice to you is to make changes in yourself NOW, let her know you are making these changes, regardless of whether you get back together- and then let her have time to watch your efforts. Perhaps she can come to respect you again, and perhaps she still has feelings and a desire to make a family life with you.  

Be patient, her resentment, anger, and frustration are not going to disappear overnight. 

She needs to be able to respect you and be proud of you, or she will never be able to love you and make a life with you. 

My husband is in the same position as you are. As I am in a similar situation as your wife, I can understand her resentment. I do not resent my husband, however I know if things continue, it will come to that.  

I wish my husband would join this message board. I believe these message boards are beneficial to all.  

I do not know the depth of your wife's feelings, however based on the resentment and anger (which will eventually turn into hurt and then acceptance) she feels, it is safe to say your marraige may really be over. But, hasn't it truely been over for some time? I don't want to upset you, but take the space she wants and put it to your benefit and grow from it personally. There is much life to live after a divorce.  

I am not divorced, but I feel it is in my future from the way I am feeling lately. I think I always knew something was deeply missing in my marraige, but never admitted it to anyone else. I narely admitted it to myself. Marraige should never be entered into lightly and I certainly did not. I had realistic expectations and gave it lots of thought, but that still is not a guarantee. Once I came to terms with the fact my marraige was not a marraige, I knew I would survive the outcome, whether it be divorce or working through our problems and making this work.  

Truth is, only time will tell. It is a day to day work in progress. 

Good luck in your personal journey. Reconnect with family, with your children, and with your wife on a different level. Take this hardship and make it a positive. 

I'm a wife of a man who has similar problems. Only my husband was recently diagnosed with PTSD - our family lived with the undiagnosed problem for more then 10 yrs. My husband is just surfacing from the fog of depression, outbursts of uncontrolled anger, controlling behavior and so much more all because he was sent home from a war zone withough being properly treated and everytime help was asked for it was misdiagnosed. We have been receiving counseling for almost 1 yr now but still my resentment, anger and emotional distress is so great I don't think it will ever go away. I tried to protect my kids from the worst of his behavior, i tried to fix the problem - I felt like I created the reasons for his depression adn outbursts by not being a good wife. I lost all self respect, motivation, confidence in myself - I felt belittled and unloved. But my husband had a disease so I kept thinking we could fix the problem i just had to try harder. 

He makes small improvements but because of the mental state he is still so self absorbed that I get no support, or soft place to land when my life hits a bump. I've become a person that relies on myself but not my husband. I've begged for a seperation anything to relieve the stress on my life so i can concentrate on myself for once and not him. We have 3 children who have been emotionally and mentally damaged from this relationship as well.  

I can tell you what it would take for me to feel like we could move back into a committed relationship. I would need to see personal imporvements on his part - not perfection but to see he can take a good look at things he is doing wrong and take the steps needed to fix or improve those. I would need to see  unselfish acts toward me and the children and others in his life. I would need to see a dedication to me and my happiness not just himself. It is the small things that tell someone you care - what did your wife do that made you feel loved and cared for - do similar things for her. Send a note to her every week, put a heart sticker in her car, finish a project or special thing tha tshe has always wanted for the house. There are so many simple ways to say I love you - with no strings attached! but most important be there for the long haul - she will have to see and feel your love over time to block out how she was treated before. There is no quick fix - if you truly love her and she is truly interested in working things out with you then it is a slow process that you will have to give into 100% to get anything back.  My husband thinks that by changing a few things and being at his best behavior for a few weeks should prove to me he is a changed person ...after 12 yrs of abuse it will take more then a few weeks but I will continue to work on this relationship for as long as i feel he is invested and working on it too.  Otherwise both of you are better off moving on and learn to be happy with who you are. You can't share yourself with a partner if you don't know who you are and are not happy with yourself! 

Good luck! 

During my relationship I was the one who did everything at home and worked full time. My partner was not supportive. At the time I thought I was doing everything wrong. BUt now that he's out of my life I have moved forward. My successes were not acknowledged, minor changes in my appearance to make me feel good were put down, little jabs at my work were made...then when we would break up weeks would go by then he would call me up and tell me how much he loved and so on. This of course occured many times then last December I thought no I am not going to chase him down and "try work it out" I am going to focus on me. I did just that...he called me up, after begging me to see him I gave in he took me out for dinner. I was firm with my decision - he reminded me of all the things I did...he did admit to not complimenting me or acknowledging my successes or helping me when I failed...I listened however I chose to leave because I put too much time and effort in the relationship and finally reached a point where I could not do it.  I said I am tired of going through this then when I am not around YOU finally notice...or you say whatever you want walk away...and then a few days later you realize "oh yeah I love her" then you come back.  Yes not having him around initially was difficult however once I started being good to myself and not continuing his emotional and mental abuse (he did it then...why should I continue it on myself?) I realized this is the best thing I have done for me. I think you need to move on...I am sure her decision to leave did not happen over night it was a long time coming you just did not see it...and now that she is gone you finally noticed.   If she is angry like you say...she is probably angry at the fact that you think she would drop everything because YOU made a few admissions. She sounds like a very strong person and beautuiful too bad you did not "stand by her then."