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Replies to 'Addiction Support'
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February 9, 2006, 11:44 am PST
 Quote From: cbeoto Hi, I just joined the club because I am also looking for support. It sounds like we are on the same both. My husband went to an eight month program back in 1991. He went through the whole AA program for about two years and stayed sober for 13 years. In Spring 2001 he decided that he deserved to enjoy a drink or two and started getting drunk just like the way it was before he got sober. I always thought that when a recovered alcoholic relapses, he would drop dead, because it happened to a couple of people he knew form the program. But my husband didn't even get sick the first time he drunk after so many years. He drinks very heavily. He would start drinking on a Friday afternoon and stop 24 hours later or sometimes longer. He goes completely crazy, agresive, mean, offensive and violent. Like in your situation, he torments me and abuses me mentally and emotionally. He also gets crazy enough to try to jump out of the car while I'm driving because I refuse to stop so that he can get more alcohol. Completely out of control, crazy, yelling and causing me and everyone else out, whoever he sees in front of him. I understand exactly how you feel.... This is how I feel every time he gets drunk; Terrified, stressed out, restless, frightened, insecure, traumatized, angry, abandoned, hopeless and dissapointed. I am to the point where I feel at the end of my rope and I know that my only chance to regaing some peace is to attend Alanon. I need to regain control of my life and my sanity because he is taking everything out of me. You should be proud of yourself for having the courage to get out. Do yourself a favor, if you can make it on your own, don't ever go back with him. You need to find a man that is able to give you a normal life. This weekend my husband verbally abused and harrassed a couple of teenagers in the family while he was completely intoxicated at the beach. I am trying to make him realize that this is the worse thing he has ever done and that it's time to stop. I have been very upset since, just thinking about all the things he said to these kids and I know it's also time for me to stop giving him chances. Me and my daughter are starting Alanon this week. I know it will help us to heal little by little. My husband says he doesn't remember anything that he did to these kids, but he says that this time he will go to AA. He has been saying that for the past four years so I won't believe it until I see it. But this time, I know I owe it to other people to make a serious desition if he doesn't. Thanks for sharing your story... it helps to know that you're not alone ---------- Good luck to you! Howdy. I'm sending a little "tough love" your way but, like most of what I say, it's really directed to anyone reading it, not you specifically.
You keep referring to "my daughter and me" as if you're one entity. You're not. Your husband's drinking is affecting her in far different ways than it's affecting you. I know this because I was the child of 2 alcoholic parents, I've been in a relationship with an alcoholic, and I am a recovering alcoholic myself. I learned a lot during my recovery and parts of it were difficult, but I promise you that the most serious and troubling issues I've had to face have been those caused by growing up in an alcoholic household. And the violence/drunkenness isn't even the biggest problem. It's the behaviors that spring up when one parent is protecting a habit, and another is allowing this to happen and then rationalizing it somehow. These are the dynamics that are forming your daughter's coping mechanisms, and they aren't good.
You told one poster that she "needs to find a man that is able to give you a normal life". Is having having a "man" all that important?
I think Alanon is a great idea for you, but I suspect you'll need to turn your thinking around a bit. Alanon doesn't teach family members how to live with an alcholic - it teaches them how to live without the alcoholic. And that starts with setting firm and measurable boundaries, the biggest of which is that his drinking and your family life are incompatible.
You really need to think more about what you're doing to your daughter by continuing to expose her to this. You have good intentions - that much is obvious - but your daughter needs you to stop talking and start acting. She's the one person in this triangle who has the most to lose and the least to say about it. |
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