Replies to '02/10 Last Chance'

I hear what you're saying about the 2 of you hurting each other & it seems it's something you've done over & over through the years, but if you look back at your post you both seem to invest yourselves in *self destructive* behavior as well.   When we see our spouse or someone treating us in a disrespectful way it's easy to think we should just cut them from our life & frankly this is what I would do when it isn't someone I've a real relationship with.  But when it comes to our family members I think it's a different thing & our spouse is family.  On top of this I think it's important for you to find out why you need to strike out at someone you love & hurt them & why you accept it in return.  If you read back you'll see that regardless of the reasoning you use the fact is that you do things that you know are going to hurt & then you point them right out to your spouse.  This isn't to lay blame on you but rather for me to point out you want to find out why it is you do what you do so that you can work on yourself.  Even if this relationship ends you don't want to continue to repeat these mistakes in future romantic relationships or in relationships with your children etc.  It's been said by many therapists (Dr. Phil included)  that people often divorce and then just continue to repeat the same relationship mistakes over & over.  

I think as long as you're saying things like "I really don't know" and "I don't know what holds us together besides the kids" then that means you shouldn't act in any manner that is going to be permenantly severing your marriage.  There are many people that share children and that does not stop them from walking out either.  Perhaps what binds you is a lot more than you realize?  You said you both had painful childhoods & from the outside it looks like you both ingage in self destructive behavior.  I think these are things worth exploring prior tojust walking away.  Even if children are the only thing that is binding you right now, that is a huge thing you share in common.  Rather than divorcing and starting completely over why don't you just stay where you are and start working on yourself with some counseling just for you & maybe some self reflection as well.  At the same time you may want to explain to your husband that you feel your marriage is failing and that you could use some marriage couseling.  As I read back I realize that you've never actually said that you're marriaed and just that you're in a relationship with each other.  You were and are young but I still believe the same could be true as if you were married.  Many people take vows & yet they don't really mean them &/or that isn't enough tohold them together.  Maybe you're both still there because in reality neither one wants to leave? 

 Rather than filing for divorce or seperating I think you need to just stop and get a hold of yourself.  Start doing things to put yourself  together emotionally.  Living where your are right now I would think would afford you the freedom of having a bit more money and the ability to do for yourself a bit more.  Having 5 kids is going to make it difficult on your own to just go on a weekend retreat or to a spa.  Do some things for yourself that are nice.  Be nice to yourself right now and then allow yourself to explore what your own emotional needs are.  If you & he thought that you were just going to be able to fix whatever was wrong in your childhood & now you see you're spinning out of control it's time to seek some help outside of the 2 of you.  Doing that doesn't mean you have to walk away from each other yet & walking away might just add to the horrible things done to you & him.  Him going out with the guys all the time might be his own self destructive behavior and the beginning of a drinking problem.  I just don't think that either of you have the ability to make clear rational decisions because there's so much turmoil & until you can make a clear & rational decisions I think you should just stay put.  You know the idea that you and he were going to be able to "fix each other" to me would mean you were looking to help heal each ohter.  Being more mature now you might see that helping each other might be in seeking some outside assistance.  I don't know you or him, but hearing you've 5 children together and all you've been through together I think you owe it to yourelves and each other to explore the posibility that maybe you just haven't found the personal help you both need and to try that before walking away.   

Of course that isn't indefinitely and once you have started to build some self esteem & if you're seeing that staying is just continuing to tear you down then yes you should break away.   

Good luck