Replies to 'Abuse'

Hi there

Well done for opening up and getting it out, are you feeling better for moving forward.

My best advise is for you to start with you, start loving and respecting yourself. Its like Dr Phil says we teach people how to treat us, if we don't treat ourselves with love and respect then noone else with Go for therapy for you, get strong then you can deal with this bully start today and Stop him destroying you. You are in control, I know it does not seem like it yet but only you can control your thoughts. You know that arguing over the same things does not work - so stop that pattern of behaviour,  change it , refuse to engage walk away and do something else. Let him know that whilst he shouts etc you will not discuss it you are in a habit which you can break - therapy will help so take the next step forward and arrange it and go for you. Do it for you and your children .

You can get out of theis trap

Big Hug

Bev x

If you know that you've lost woh you are, I bet you aren't really fooling your family either.

I kept the fact that I was abused a secret from most of my family too.  When I did open up, I felt better for it, but when I returned to my abuser, most of my family didn't understand AT ALL.  That's the downside of being honest.

But I left for a final time and my family was right there waiting for me -- so to speak.

As for getting therapy, I can tell you that I begged, pleaded, and manipulated my Ex into going to counseling.  At first he promised to go, then he backed out at the last minute.  Instead of canceling I kept the appointment.  Counseling was the SINGLE BEST thing I did to heal.  And I did ALOT.

So even if hubby won't go, YOU GO, okay? 

It will help you find the you you've lost!  Q

One thing I've learned from my therapy is that when abuse is the issue, couples should NOT go jointly, because he could use something you said later against you.

You really should start therapy. It makes a huge difference. I'm in individual and group therapy, and it helps a lot to find others in my situation. These women understand exactly what I'm saying and feeling. Most, like me, have never been struck physically. The bruises are inside, eating away at the person I once was and who I'm trying to recapture. Through therapy I'm learning a lot and very, very slowly, I'm learning to find myself again.

All types of women are in this situation, women from every socio-economic category, brilliant, educated women, wealthy women. Abuse doesn't escape anyone, and there's no shame in it.

I still haven't told my family or friends...I'm still grappling with it. I've been married a lot longer than you have (more than twice as long). Here's the question to ask yourself....

Do you still want to be in this same position 10 years from now? If the answer is no, get help. If not for you, then for your children.

The reason I included the text above is so that I don't have to retype it. I was surprised to find someone else that feels and is having the exact same issues I am. I have been married for 11 years though. 

the man I'm married to can be a fun and loving person but I just can't take it anymore. We haven't  "been together" for over a year now and it is taking it's toll on me. Heck, I'm thinking an affair would make things better at least for me. At least I would feel like a person again and not just a shell of a person as was stated above. At least I would feel like something other than a mom. I love and would not trade my kids for anything but how much more of this can I take. 

When he talks he yells at me. About everything single thing. If I ask a question he won't answer - so I ask again. Then I get yelled at and told to shut up. Or...shut the *&@#$  up. That just makes me feel great. 

"leave me alone" is the famous motto with him. Every single time I ask a question, ask how he is, ask anything....it's leave me alone. However, we do make appearances well. I mean, we look like a happy functioning family when we are together and I'm really done with that pretend scenario. 

I am so tired of feeling like a worthless person. That is how he makes me feel ...and for not having sex in over a year I swear I have become a virgin again. He hasn't even kissed me really...at all. 

He swears he has never had an affair or isn't having one.  Then he spouts off stuff from the bible and he wold never do that. Making love is not something you just do he says....bull at this point is what I say. 

So not only is it the mental abuse - he yells at me for stuff that has happened years ago and I mean years ago. Every single thing is always my fault.  When in fact...alto is his. He will NOT go to therapy. If he knew I was typing this here he would have a fit. He does not believe in Doctors helping others and he doesn't believe in medicines to help with his moods.  He puts me down and then says  I'm just like my sister ( who is bipolar) whom he has no empathy for at all.  

It's mean and maddening and I'm so stressed, sad and tired.  Like I said, an affair would take me away from this hell. 

No I don't' want a divorce...I can't for the kids. OK I know - they are suffering too..but I cover that up well I think. 

I can't do a divorce. That would take every single thing out of me. I just can't do anything anymore and I'm  tired. 

has anyone been through this. I pray every night to be shown what I did to deserve this life. I am a giving person and do anything for anyone...but I'm treated like crap continuously and am so tired of it. 

put down after put down is all I get. He cannot see the abuse he is doing to me and then once in a blue moon he'll apologize. But at that point the damage is done. 

He can be to nicest person but then the most mean hateful person I have ever met. 

I am so lost.....I am so sad...I am so tired. 

I to have been right where you are at.  I have been in a relationship where I was mentally and physically abused for years.  I know how lost you must feel, how alone you must feel and how scary it can be.  I know the feeling of unworthiness, I know the feeling of LOW self esteem.  It is very hard to be in your situation.  Knowing what I know now, I know how difficult it is to see how much you are hurting you and your kids and how especially those children are suffering the most.  I had 2 children in my marriage who watched the abuse daily, and they are smarter than you will ever give them credit for.  I was married to this man for almost 11 years, he finally left me for another woman.  Amazing how God works.  It was the hardest thing I ever lived through and I hope will ever have to but I did.  It's been 7 years now since he left and I am in my second marriage, married to the complete OPOSITE of what my ex was.  I am so blessed.  I still have a lot of problems, I go to a therapist once a week, for awhile there it was twice a week.  I have a lot of issues with abandonment and fear of men basically......in so many ways.  I have written a short story about a few things I went through while being married to my first husband.  I'm not sure if you would like to read it or not but I will give you the information anyways just in case.  The story is on our church website, my dad just happens to be the pastor of that church.  Here is the site  www.beaconmbc.com  From there go to the Women's page and scroll down to "Deb's Story"  There is where you will find my story.  I hope it helps, I know how hard it is when you are in that situation to feel like there is any hope, but there is and the ONLY person that can help you out of this right now is YOU.  You are in my prayers, and I wish you the best.   Let me know if you need anything.  Debbie.