Replies to 'Sex'
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August 16, 2005, 6:13 pm PDT
 Quote From: siggy_61 Hi...I am feeling not only lonely, but depressed about my situation. My boyfriend has lived with me almost a yr. now. Our sex life has never been the best, but in my mind and heart it was the least important at the time of meeting him. I also believed that with time, love, adventure etc, it would fall into place and become more exciting. It's not. It's even worse than when we first met. We rarely engage in any type of intimate, or romantic situations. It is NOT that I don't express to him my wants, desires, what I like what I don't like...I have. In return the topic seems to be diverted to other issues and the point being that he is not fulfilling my sexual needs is lost. I have tried discussing this many times, always ending in hurt feelings. My last discussion with him was about wanting to understand his lack of interest in sex. I asked how often would he be happy with, and is sex something he thinks about. He admitted sex was not a priority to him, and that once a week would be plenty. (We rarely engage in sex once a week even!)..and when we do? I am so unsatisfied, he does not meet my sexual needs and I am becoming very frustrated. Afraid of what my family or friends may think of me....(being that I have been in a few live-in relationships) Fear of being judged I guess. I'm not feeling close to him, I feel that without intamacy, PASSION, Romance...there's really nothing left. SURE, there is a brotherly/sisterly love, respect, etc. We generally don't fight (other than when This topic comes up..or i'm so depressed,sad, withdrawn) He will ask me what's wrong when i'm withdrawn (sexually frustrated)..and now i'm even avoiding talking about it. Ya kinda loose that will to make it right when you have repeatedly tried telling your partner what it is you need and want, and not getting any results. PS...I to have asked him what it is HE needs wants (it doesn't really include anything sexual)... During one of our discussions I did mention to him that perhaps our sexual orientation is just very different, and mentioned to him the article I had read about Asexual people. I could tell it was a touch and go conversation as I was being careful not to hurt his feelings. I think I know the problem, and i'm seeking help in finding a solution, and I was really hoping it wouldn't have to mean moving on...OR settling and accepting it the way it is.... Sexless.
This is a touchy Subject with us men, but there could be more variables than solutions. Men's egos are large, and the last thing we ever want to hear,is we are not doing our jobs. There could be many reasons for his lack of sexual drive. It could be medical, erectile dysfunction(ED), it could be psychological, sexual abuse occurring when he was young, or being taught sex is dirty, it could be mental, worrying if you have more experience, he is not adequate to do the job. If it is ED there is medication to take care of that. If it is any of the other ones, therapy could help. The one thing you need to think about, as it seems you have been doing more than most do, you have discussed it, is think about the time and place you discuss it. You would not want to bring it up in the middle or after or prior to engaging in sexual activity. This is something you should want to discuss in a non-threatening place, the living room, a automobile drive, or some place he does not think your are fixing to jump his bones. Next you need to make sure you are not sounding accusatory towards him, not judge mental. Maybe in the beginning talk as if it is a general discussion, not about the two of you, but just sex in general. Then you may want to slowly direct it into your own sex life, but again keeping it away from sounding like you are putting him on the spot, as far as his behavior. I think this will take more than one talk, and anytime he seems to be feeling uncomfortable, change the subject and come back to it on another occasion. In time you will be able to find out what he likes and dislikes, discuss the wild and kinky things slowly, and a little at a time. Sex is something to be shared, not done out of guilt. Make sure it is something that both can be excited and happy about. Maybe in time, introduce, things like role playing, where you both take a role and act it out. This may take the pressure off him, as it is someone else doing this not himself. If he screws up, it was the other person. Toys could be introduced which could help with your orgasms, if this is an area he is not staying around long enough for. That way you two could play around, and you come to orgasm, without him knowing it was needed in the first place, and maybe in time, it would not be needed at all, but just fun to keep around. I hope this helps. Good luck, and great sex! |
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