Replies to 'Depression'

A prisioner of one's own fears, I've not heard nor read words that appropriatly describe the force and magnitude of MENTAL PAIN. How can one's mind be one's own enemy?  How can one feel so compelled to end one's life, but feel too much guilt to hurt others?  How can this continue in a scientific rich nation as ours with so much research and resources at hand?  How can I hang my head and cry because I feel I have failed miserably in this life?  How can so many people ignore the horrors manifested thru the screams and crys of those who suffer so intensly, never knowing if this is his or her last cry for help?  With all of my hopes and dreams as a younger man, how can I want to lie down and give up?  Why?  Why are there so many others out there like me and what determines who survives and who cries out for the last time?  This is too much. 

Please read the following excerpt from one of my books that I am struggling to write in order to help others, but keep in mind, I do not know when my last cry for help will be silenced. 

...But one night while attending a Christmas Play in 1974, I looked to the back of the church trying to plan an escape from a girl who kept following me around and I spotted these two young girls in the back, just outside the back entrance. I advanced and started talking to these two girls. One was blond and seemed kind of wild, the other was very cute, she had long dark brown hair, and was as sweet as an angel. She looked like an angel to me. We exchanged phone numbers, and began to talk on the phone. My brother happened to be giving guitar lessons to her brother so one day I tagged along and took my microphone and P.A. I sang while my brother played, and although she didn’t realize it I was singing the love songs to her. It was so wonderful, so innocent, indescribable.  

From that point on you could not keep me away from her. I asked her to “go with me“, as we said then, and she said “yes” when she was fourteen. I soon bought her a pre-engagement ring, and the rest is history. She is the love of my life, the most wonderful and precious thing to ever come into my life. My depression was gone for the most part, although I still felt signs of it. I told her this before we got married. Not using the word “depression”, I can’t remember exactly what I told her. But wanted to make sure she understood there was something not exactly right in my emotional realm and she accepted this and married me. I believe she thought she could fix it. Or because of our youth, didn’t see it as any thing serious.  

I remember one time before we were married something came up that felt as though she may be losing interest in me, and I told her that if I lost her I would drive my car, a souped-up ‘67 Chevy II Nova, at top speed and run it off the road. I have always wondered if she stayed with me for fear of being responsible for my life. But I was very sincere, and was headed out to do this when she stopped me and ensured me that everything was ok. I would have killed myself had she broken off the engagement. I would kill myself now if she ever left me. She has been so wonderful and strong and supportive, and I tell her that as often as possible. She’s wonderful. It scares me when I think about the possibility of ever losing her. She is my soul mate, my Goddess of the stars, everything a person needs for support, love and comfort.  

My wife is so precious to me,( I am in tears right now), I would give my life for her in a heart beat. I would do anything within my power for her. She is the most wonderful, loving and caring human being on the face of this earth. I am the weak one, and I depend on her more than she could ever comprehend. She has stuck by my side “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health” and she still vows “until death do us part”, as well as I vow the same. She had made that clear many times over. She has never flinched at standing up for me and her kids, and now our wonderful grandson. They are all so precious to me. I am a bit sentimental. 

When our first and only grandchild came into this world almost two years ago I formed a bond with him so close. My daughter and her husband were living with us at the time and until he was about 16 months old. I hugged and kissed and loved on my grandson like he was my own. I asked my wife was I being too affectionate, or doing anything wrong. As she normally reassures me, “you have to do what you feel is right, and there is nothing wrong with that”. See what I mean. How more wonderful can a person be?  

She is at work right now while I am at home on medical leave. I am having neck surgery this coming Friday after suffering the painful affects of neck trauma for more than 6 years. I need to get back to the story at hand. 

I am writing a book personally, or more than one. The first has to do with people with mental conditions in the work place. I haven’t named the books yet, but this one is for the benefit of both employee and employer. I don’t consider myself, nor does my doctor to be mentally unstable in any way, but I have been suffering from Major Depression for the past fifteen plus years. It was triggered by some traumatic events in our lives, but was aggravated severely by my employer. I will describe in more detail in my book about the events surrounding the near possible loss of life when I was fired from a career job of 9 years only after revealing to my employer that I had “Clinical Depression”.  

My employer at the time was a private owned business in Columbus, GA owned by an individual who was an heir of a multi-billion dollar company. In other words, as one attorney told me, “he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.” He could come across as being a kind and personable individual, but to deal with him directly when I got fired, it was like dealing with the devil himself. This man is so full of selfishness and greed I believe he could be the devil. 

A prisioner of one's own fears, I've not heard nor read words that appropriatly describe the force and magnitude of MENTAL PAIN. How can one's mind be one's own enemy?  How can one feel so compelled to end one's life, but feel too much guilt to hurt others?  How can this continue in a scientific rich nation as ours with so much research and resources at hand?  How can I hang my head and cry because I feel I have failed miserably in this life?  How can so many people ignore the horrors manifested thru the screams and crys of those who suffer so intensly, never knowing if this is his or her last cry for help?  With all of my hopes and dreams as a younger man, how can I want to lie down and give up?  Why?  Why are there so many others out there like me and what determines who survives and who cries out for the last time?  This is too much. 

Please read the following excerpt from one of my books that I am struggling to write in order to help others, but keep in mind, I do not know when my last cry for help will be silenced. 

...But one night while attending a Christmas Play in 1974, I looked to the back of the church trying to plan an escape from a girl who kept following me around and I spotted these two young girls in the back, just outside the back entrance. I advanced and started talking to these two girls. One was blond and seemed kind of wild, the other was very cute, she had long dark brown hair, and was as sweet as an angel. She looked like an angel to me. We exchanged phone numbers, and began to talk on the phone. My brother happened to be giving guitar lessons to her brother so one day I tagged along and took my microphone and P.A. I sang while my brother played, and although she didn’t realize it I was singing the love songs to her. It was so wonderful, so innocent, indescribable.  

From that point on you could not keep me away from her. I asked her to “go with me“, as we said then, and she said “yes” when she was fourteen. I soon bought her a pre-engagement ring, and the rest is history. She is the love of my life, the most wonderful and precious thing to ever come into my life. My depression was gone for the most part, although I still felt signs of it. I told her this before we got married. Not using the word “depression”, I can’t remember exactly what I told her. But wanted to make sure she understood there was something not exactly right in my emotional realm and she accepted this and married me. I believe she thought she could fix it. Or because of our youth, didn’t see it as any thing serious.  

I remember one time before we were married something came up that felt as though she may be losing interest in me, and I told her that if I lost her I would drive my car, a souped-up ‘67 Chevy II Nova, at top speed and run it off the road. I have always wondered if she stayed with me for fear of being responsible for my life. But I was very sincere, and was headed out to do this when she stopped me and ensured me that everything was ok. I would have killed myself had she broken off the engagement. I would kill myself now if she ever left me. She has been so wonderful and strong and supportive, and I tell her that as often as possible. She’s wonderful. It scares me when I think about the possibility of ever losing her. She is my soul mate, my Goddess of the stars, everything a person needs for support, love and comfort.  

My wife is so precious to me,( I am in tears right now), I would give my life for her in a heart beat. I would do anything within my power for her. She is the most wonderful, loving and caring human being on the face of this earth. I am the weak one, and I depend on her more than she could ever comprehend. She has stuck by my side “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health” and she still vows “until death do us part”, as well as I vow the same. She had made that clear many times over. She has never flinched at standing up for me and her kids, and now our wonderful grandson. They are all so precious to me. I am a bit sentimental. 

When our first and only grandchild came into this world almost two years ago I formed a bond with him so close. My daughter and her husband were living with us at the time and until he was about 16 months old. I hugged and kissed and loved on my grandson like he was my own. I asked my wife was I being too affectionate, or doing anything wrong. As she normally reassures me, “you have to do what you feel is right, and there is nothing wrong with that”. See what I mean. How more wonderful can a person be?  

She is at work right now while I am at home on medical leave. I am having neck surgery this coming Friday after suffering the painful affects of neck trauma for more than 6 years. I need to get back to the story at hand. 

I am writing a book personally, or more than one. The first has to do with people with mental conditions in the work place. I haven’t named the books yet, but this one is for the benefit of both employee and employer. I don’t consider myself, nor does my doctor to be mentally unstable in any way, but I have been suffering from Major Depression for the past fifteen plus years. It was triggered by some traumatic events in our lives, but was aggravated severely by my employer. I will describe in more detail in my book about the events surrounding the near possible loss of life when I was fired from a career job of 9 years only after revealing to my employer that I had “Clinical Depression”.  

My employer at the time was a private owned business in Columbus, GA owned by an individual who was an heir of a multi-billion dollar company. In other words, as one attorney told me, “he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.” He could come across as being a kind and personable individual, but to deal with him directly when I got fired, it was like dealing with the devil himself. This man is so full of selfishness and greed I believe he could be the devil.