Replies to '06/28 Family Troublemakers'

 I have heard from more than one member of my family that I am the--and I quote-- "problem".  That I am the one causing "the division" and that I am "negative" and that I "bring people down", however; no one cares to ellaborate.  When I ask them to explain to me what it is that I am doing to cause them to feel this way they just say they "do not care to discuss those issues with me".  I do not believe I am the cause for the entire families issues; that being the case the family would have been peachy before I ever came into the picture, but they were not.  I am not trying to dismiss anyone's feelings here.  If they do in fact believe I am the problem then please tell me how I am offending everyone so that I can change my behavior and better the situation.  My husband and I have also tried to discuss this with everyone, but they say we are just trying to "start drama" or cause more problems than are necessary.  "You do not need to discuss everything", they say.  "In the adult world of relationships sometimes you just have to deal with things and move on".  I agree, but how can you say such things about someone and to them  vocalizing your feelings and never give that person an explination or allow them to do the same?  It is to the point that they do not even wish to invite our family to gatherings for fear of a "situation" with me.  That is not far to my husband--their son/brother--or my children.  Especially when they are not trying to help me by telling me what exactly is the  problem.  I cannot change what I do not know.  Do they just not want a realtionship with the children or their son/brother and it is just easier to blame me?  They know my husband is not going to do anything unless I am invited and accepted.  Do they just want me to shut up and go away?  They are all in agreement, so do they really think that if I were not part of the equation things would improve?  I am so lost right now, i honestly do not know what to do.  I am almost to the point to where my husband and the kids can talk/visit with them, but I do not want to even show my face anymore, but then I would be called childish.  What should I do?  What can I do? 

 I was over 40 years old before I decided I needed to completely disengage myself from my mother who was abusive both emotionally and physically.  When the attacks were directed at the granddaughter, I came to the realization that enough was enough.  I did not want my child to grow up with exactly what I had been exposed to, nor did I want such behavior modeled for her.  This is not how NORMAL people behave, and that was the crux of the problem -- my mother is not normal.  You have an obligation to your children, first and foremost, and I decided I would no longer subject mine to such behavior.  It wasn't what I wanted her to remember of her childhood, or her grandmother, and I refused to let another family gathering, birthday, holiday, anything be colored or ruined by what one manipulative person could accomplish.

It is still painful because all I ever wanted in life was a close, loving family and  while I don't have it with my own, I do have it with my in-laws, close friends, and my own little family.  I feel I am a better mother and person for having disengaged myself from the continual harrassment and abuse.  I tell my daughter that I still love my mother, wish her well, and would never elect to hurt her, but I choose not to be around her because of the behavior, and while I love her instinctively because she is the person who gave birth to me, I would never choose her for a friend.  I think our family should be our friends.

While I'll tell you it is OK to want to remove yourself from such, and more than OK to want to protect yourselves and your children, it does not come without a price nor is it easy.  My sisters and I are unable to enjoy most holidays because of the ultimatum my mother gives, "it's either your sister or me there," and my relationship with my father, at best, is awkward.  I limit what I do with him because I do not want him to have to suffer the repercussions from my mother.

What if you would rather not? At what point is it OK to protect yourself and your feelings and our children and just not have any contact with those people?  

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I appreciated Dr. Phil's comments at the end where he advised not to talk about topics, but talk about the issues instead.  Such as... the topic being money but the issue is feeling violated.   So true!  I'm going through a similar case with this.  My mother has always looked out for herself and whatever man she was with at the time (I could give many instances where she chose what was good for her man rather than what was good for her children).  One huge instance is when she divorced her husband several years ago.  She had one son to that man (yes.... there were 6 of us kids and there were many fathers).  Well, in separating the property, that man said he wanted to give his half of the home to his full son (who was only 13 at the time).  That was the agreement so he wouldn't contest the divorce.  They divorced and she remarried.  The boy who was to get his father's share of the property was thrown out of the house after he turned 18.  She sold the property and gave it all to her new husband to pay off his debts.  She personally told me, the oldest daughter ,that she never had any intention of giving a kid that kind of money.  Didn't surprise me cuz that has been the way she was my entire life of knowing her.   

  

Now it is 15 years later and I asked my younger brother who was to receive his father's share, if he ever did.  No he never did.  Word got around to my mother that i was looking into this again and she used a false pretense to get me into her house (she said she wanted  to see my dog since she never did before, so could I please bring her in.), and then on the way out she pulled me onto the porch so her new husband wouldn't hear... she explained that she didn't give the boy the money cuz he would have just blown it away at that age, but she gave him money and stuff through these years that eventually added up to what she owed him.  I questioned my brother and he said no.  So while she wanted to talk about the money... the real issue is lying  again, and the deceit and betrayal my brother felt/feels. 

  

Just to give a little more insight into the personality of my mother... she divorced my father when I was very small.  When I turned 40 years old she gave me a letter that he wrote.... thanking her for not getting rid of me like she threatened him with the divorce.  I can't understand how a woman can either use her child to get even with a man whether she was serious or not..... nor why on earth did she save the letter of many thanks from him for not disposing of me, then giving me that letter (which I did not know this had happened)!   

  

So... to end this long post... one of the last things I heard on today's show was something about we need to have a standard for those we will deal with and those we won't.... those we allow in our lives and those we don't.  I chose to end any further dealings.  I can't live with constant negativity around her or out of her mouth, it actually drains me.  My grandmother (RIP) was more of a mother to me as I grew up and am I ever thankful for that.    So in answer to your question about protecting ourselves and our children and not having contact with *those people*.... I say yes do what you need to do and feel at peace with it. 

I can understand what you are going through.  I used to love the Holidays, and now I fear them.  My husband and I have distanced ourselves from his family in hopes of healing ourselves.  We have heard the insults, judgements and the lies enough.   

  

MIL and SIL have been the instigators, and now with their lies in order to cover up previous lies, they have FIL and BIL jumping right in the mess.  We have heard the "excuses" that they think justify in some sick way their behaviors and words.  Well, enough is enough.  We have been threatened, lied to, talked about sworn at, insulted, and bullied more than we can handle.  There is a line that they crossed.  I could never believe the words that come from them.  My husband must have been hard wired differently, b/c he is NOTHING like his family.  It was impossible to have a conversation with them.  You cannot have a conversation with an unreasonable person.  I really don't think they know the difference from their lies, and what is the truth. They cannot even see that the words have consequences, or  even CARE that what they have done has hurt people.  It has really spiralled out of control once we stood up for ourselves, and said you cannot treat us this way.  Perhaps you are lucky your inlaws didn't show.  Hopefully that is a sign they at least have some amount of acknowledgement for what they have been up to. 

  

I do know that I am lucky to have a husband like I do.  When SIL said terrible things to him about me, he really knew we were doing the right thing.  I guess that is their "las straw".  The threats and Bible beatings didn't make him accept their behaviors, so they tried to show him what a terrible person I was.  No son or brother would ever stand up for themselves, so I must be brainwashing him.  I don't know what the aim of that was, but it really show my husband that distance IS a good thing.  It all seems to be a cycle that they dont want anyone to break. 

  

And some people will unfortunately WANT to see you FAIL, and as sick as that is, they deffinately DON'T want to see you HAPPY.  I have seen a lot of that. 

  

As often as this happens, there should be some type of national support group.  We can share our experiances and help one another.  I know it would be cheaper than our therapist!  :-)  I don know the books TOXIC INLAWS, and HOW TO HUG A PORCUPINE, THE DANCE OF ANGER and also EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL have helped me.  I know my family is NOTHING like this, and these books helped me to understand more about my in-laws. 

  

Good luck to you! 

I've lived this one!!  My family on my father's side is "different"  When I became pregnant as a teenager they were all happy, throwing a baby shower etc.  As I grew older I discovered that these same family members  who professed love were the ones saying the nastiest and dirtiest things about me.  This all came to head when our "family" made a website so we could all keep in contact together.  I posted an announcement that my brother was having another baby.  Their response, you're not part of the family, go make your own family web page.  I was ousted out of my own father's family!!  As much as it hurt at the time and as much as I didn't really quite understand it, I really could care less about what these people have to say about me.  My family consists of my beautiful daughter whom I raised alone and is the absolute perfect child (either I got very lucky or I did one hell of a job), my mother and father, 2 brothers and their wives and my wonderful  friends.  They cut me out so they no longer exist in my world.  There is nothing wrong with keeping distance from these "family members" who have nothing to do but talk trash about everyone else.  To me, they're the ones with the problem not me and my life is happy without their drama!!  Stay away for your own sanity not theirs!!