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Replies to 'Anorexia'
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February 18, 2006, 5:54 am PST
 Quote From: hisjewel girl I have hated myself all my life and no it is not a good thing but just think when we make it to the other side where we can love ourselves how much stronger we will be!!!! I know it probabley doesn't sound that way and it is really scary but surely there has to be a day when you can say, "Karen you know your not so bad, I kind of like you." and then if only it can grow and grow. When you do the things that make you say i want to be this person know that is the real you it is not the eating disorder talking for you. we have to learn to do the talking and not the eating disorder and man is it hard!!! haaaaaa man is it hard!! so going into full recovery that is something we need to learn to do. it stinks that recovery has to hurt so bad like last night i cried for like 30-45 minutes until i finally fell asleep........ i hate to cry but i don't know what else to do well i guess i don't hate it i am just so scared of crying....... do you ever wonder do i really deserve to cry? i know my whole life i have never really cried but now i cry a lot and sometimes i have no idea why i am crying but i do know that inside i hurt so so so bad!!! hey, how's it going? I can't tell you how many nights I have cried myself to sleep over the past few years. I, like you, never really cried much till I developed depression and then I cried so often (usually over nothing serious - just something that would get me stressed) and couldn't stop myself from crying. Last year I spent 3 months in Africa and I learned so much about myself and my inner strength that I have. I also some days even liked myself which when you have hated yourself for so long is so weird. I think spending time with heaps of new people who don't know about your past or your disorder helps with this as they give you a different perspective of yourself than all the people back at home in your real life. Making the trip to Africa definitely helped with my recovery. It pushed me mentally, physically, and socially so far beyond boundaries that had seemed to be holding me bak over the last few years. I achieved many tasks/activities (jumping out of planes!! and successfully climbing kilimanjaro - the second hardest thing I've done in my life!!!) and actually felt proud of myself. And funilly enough I've spent mch less of the last six months in tears!! Keep going strong and crying lots if thats what it takes!! Have a good day :} Karen |
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