Replies to '06/28 Family Troublemakers'

I too was looking for ways to handle the 'relationship' with my mother. I'm with the others here have said, "that could have been my family on the show today!" I first began my interest in this website because I was looking for answers to this type of family situation. My research on this site last year led me to believe that my mother is most certainly a passive-aggressive individual who will always argue - just to be right and in charge. It's been about a year now since I stopped reacting to her. I am so grateful that we do not live near each other as we're 8 hours by car. I used to call her once a week, now I call once a month and let her say what she wants and do my very best to answer any of her questions in a manner that won't anger her. The sadness of having a mother who is this type of person is so hard to live with. To survive my own emotions, I try to imagine that the mother I want is dead and the mother I actually have is a distant friend or relative. It helps me emotionally. Instead of dwelling on her and what could or should be, I dwell on how I can be the best mother I am capable of being to my own children. I can either be like my mother or learn from my mother. I choose the latter. 

Our 'fights' have stopped because I have refused to let them start, as Dr. Phil suggested today. Yet, nothing else whatsoever has changed. She still lacks the self-motivation to acknowledge our birthdays on time, or sometimes even at all. She has 7 great-grandchildren. The oldest is 8 and not one of them has a memory of her because she does not send cards, call, visit, or in any other way, shape, or form, or acknowledge their existence for one pitiful excuse after another. Everything from: she can't afford it (yet she travels to visit her sisters), she's sick, she's working so hard, etc. etc. After reading about passive-aggressives, I can see that this type of behavior will never change unless something happens to her someday that causes her to acknowledge her true self. 

Is there any sort of 'pattern', such as passive-aggressive mothers, that tends to run in families with the type of behavior we saw on this show? Even Dr. Phil wouldn't or couldn't decide who was at fault. If those families are fortunate, the counseling they will receive will reveal problematic personality issues, but where does that leave the audience? I think the main message was to disengage rather than fight, which is great and definitely helpful, but what next? Whoever really is at fault - their behavior still continues and both conversations and family events remain something to be tolerated, not something that's enjoyed. 

My oldest granddaughter actually thought her great-grandmother was dead since she has no mmory of her. Not knowing what else to say, I told her that her my mother is very, very sick and that's why she doesn't hear from her. My mother is so accustomed to her self-pity and excuses, as if life is hard only to her and her sisters, that like one of the mothers on the show, she doesn't comprehend it when she is told that a friend or relative (other that her sisters) are very ill. Then she's shocked when they've died of cancer or some other serious thing has happened and gets all the colder towards us because she actually believes she hasn't been told or else she would have been more understanding or compasionate.  

Unfortunately, I also have a daughter-in-law with the same personality type as my mother. Everyone zips their mouth shut because she'll blow her top and even threaten never to visit again. My mother told me last year that she'll never visit us again and as mentioned, already has never visited her grandchildren or great-grandchildren, of course not on purpose - she promises to someday... So how do we learn not only to not argue with these types of individuals, but also not to enable? Especially when the result seems to be that the other individuals tell you to accept them and their personalities the way they are or else they'll have nothing to do with you? They're family! 

Is this when you DO say, oh well, on with my life and never mind them? What message does that send to the younger generations? Personally, I visit every other year and call once a month. My thinking is that the younger generations will see firsthand that there are all types of people on this earth and that we can't change them all and make them into caring individuals, but we can still love them, tolerate them, and move on with our lives. Any other ideas out there? 

I too was looking for ways to handle the 'relationship' with my mother. I'm with the others here have said, "that could have been my family on the show today!" I first began my interest in this website because I was looking for answers to this type of family situation. My research on this site last year led me to believe that my mother is most certainly a passive-aggressive individual who will always argue - just to be right and in charge. It's been about a year now since I stopped reacting to her. I am so grateful that we do not live near each other as we're 8 hours by car. I used to call her once a week, now I call once a month and let her say what she wants and do my very best to answer any of her questions in a manner that won't anger her. The sadness of having a mother who is this type of person is so hard to live with. To survive my own emotions, I try to imagine that the mother I want is dead and the mother I actually have is a distant friend or relative. It helps me emotionally. Instead of dwelling on her and what could or should be, I dwell on how I can be the best mother I am capable of being to my own children. I can either be like my mother or learn from my mother. I choose the latter. 

Our 'fights' have stopped because I have refused to let them start, as Dr. Phil suggested today. Yet, nothing else whatsoever has changed. She still lacks the self-motivation to acknowledge our birthdays on time, or sometimes even at all. She has 7 great-grandchildren. The oldest is 8 and not one of them has a memory of her because she does not send cards, call, visit, or in any other way, shape, or form, or acknowledge their existence for one pitiful excuse after another. Everything from: she can't afford it (yet she travels to visit her sisters), she's sick, she's working so hard, etc. etc. After reading about passive-aggressives, I can see that this type of behavior will never change unless something happens to her someday that causes her to acknowledge her true self. 

Is there any sort of 'pattern', such as passive-aggressive mothers, that tends to run in families with the type of behavior we saw on this show? Even Dr. Phil wouldn't or couldn't decide who was at fault. If those families are fortunate, the counseling they will receive will reveal problematic personality issues, but where does that leave the audience? I think the main message was to disengage rather than fight, which is great and definitely helpful, but what next? Whoever really is at fault - their behavior still continues and both conversations and family events remain something to be tolerated, not something that's enjoyed. 

My oldest granddaughter actually thought her great-grandmother was dead since she has no mmory of her. Not knowing what else to say, I told her that her my mother is very, very sick and that's why she doesn't hear from her. My mother is so accustomed to her self-pity and excuses, as if life is hard only to her and her sisters, that like one of the mothers on the show, she doesn't comprehend it when she is told that a friend or relative (other that her sisters) are very ill. Then she's shocked when they've died of cancer or some other serious thing has happened and gets all the colder towards us because she actually believes she hasn't been told or else she would have been more understanding or compasionate.  

Unfortunately, I also have a daughter-in-law with the same personality type as my mother. Everyone zips their mouth shut because she'll blow her top and even threaten never to visit again. My mother told me last year that she'll never visit us again and as mentioned, already has never visited her grandchildren or great-grandchildren, of course not on purpose - she promises to someday... So how do we learn not only to not argue with these types of individuals, but also not to enable? Especially when the result seems to be that the other individuals tell you to accept them and their personalities the way they are or else they'll have nothing to do with you? They're family! 

Is this when you DO say, oh well, on with my life and never mind them? What message does that send to the younger generations? Personally, I visit every other year and call once a month. My thinking is that the younger generations will see firsthand that there are all types of people on this earth and that we can't change them all and make them into caring individuals, but we can still love them, tolerate them, and move on with our lives. Any other ideas out there? 

I too was looking for ways to handle the 'relationship' with my mother. I'm with the others here have said, "that could have been my family on the show today!" I first began my interest in this website because I was looking for answers to this type of family situation. My research on this site last year led me to believe that my mother is most certainly a passive-aggressive individual who will always argue - just to be right and in charge. It's been about a year now since I stopped reacting to her. I am so grateful that we do not live near each other as we're 8 hours by car. I used to call her once a week, now I call once a month and let her say what she wants and do my very best to answer any of her questions in a manner that won't anger her. The sadness of having a mother who is this type of person is so hard to live with. To survive my own emotions, I try to imagine that the mother I want is dead and the mother I actually have is a distant friend or relative. It helps me emotionally. Instead of dwelling on her and what could or should be, I dwell on how I can be the best mother I am capable of being to my own children. I can either be like my mother or learn from my mother. I choose the latter. 

Our 'fights' have stopped because I have refused to let them start, as Dr. Phil suggested today. Yet, nothing else whatsoever has changed. She still lacks the self-motivation to acknowledge our birthdays on time, or sometimes even at all. She has 7 great-grandchildren. The oldest is 8 and not one of them has a memory of her because she does not send cards, call, visit, or in any other way, shape, or form, or acknowledge their existence for one pitiful excuse after another. Everything from: she can't afford it (yet she travels to visit her sisters), she's sick, she's working so hard, etc. etc. After reading about passive-aggressives, I can see that this type of behavior will never change unless something happens to her someday that causes her to acknowledge her true self. 

Is there any sort of 'pattern', such as passive-aggressive mothers, that tends to run in families with the type of behavior we saw on this show? Even Dr. Phil wouldn't or couldn't decide who was at fault. If those families are fortunate, the counseling they will receive will reveal problematic personality issues, but where does that leave the audience? I think the main message was to disengage rather than fight, which is great and definitely helpful, but what next? Whoever really is at fault - their behavior still continues and both conversations and family events remain something to be tolerated, not something that's enjoyed. 

My oldest granddaughter actually thought her great-grandmother was dead since she has no mmory of her. Not knowing what else to say, I told her that her my mother is very, very sick and that's why she doesn't hear from her. My mother is so accustomed to her self-pity and excuses, as if life is hard only to her and her sisters, that like one of the mothers on the show, she doesn't comprehend it when she is told that a friend or relative (other that her sisters) are very ill. Then she's shocked when they've died of cancer or some other serious thing has happened and gets all the colder towards us because she actually believes she hasn't been told or else she would have been more understanding or compasionate.  

Unfortunately, I also have a daughter-in-law with the same personality type as my mother. Everyone zips their mouth shut because she'll blow her top and even threaten never to visit again. My mother told me last year that she'll never visit us again and as mentioned, already has never visited her grandchildren or great-grandchildren, of course not on purpose - she promises to someday... So how do we learn not only to not argue with these types of individuals, but also not to enable? Especially when the result seems to be that the other individuals tell you to accept them and their personalities the way they are or else they'll have nothing to do with you? They're family! 

Is this when you DO say, oh well, on with my life and never mind them? What message does that send to the younger generations? Personally, I visit every other year and call once a month. My thinking is that the younger generations will see firsthand that there are all types of people on this earth and that we can't change them all and make them into caring individuals, but we can still love them, tolerate them, and move on with our lives. Any other ideas out there? 

I too was looking for ways to handle the 'relationship' with my mother. I'm with the others here have said, "that could have been my family on the show today!" I first began my interest in this website because I was looking for answers to this type of family situation. My research on this site last year led me to believe that my mother is most certainly a passive-aggressive individual who will always argue - just to be right and in charge. It's been about a year now since I stopped reacting to her. I am so grateful that we do not live near each other as we're 8 hours by car. I used to call her once a week, now I call once a month and let her say what she wants and do my very best to answer any of her questions in a manner that won't anger her. The sadness of having a mother who is this type of person is so hard to live with. To survive my own emotions, I try to imagine that the mother I want is dead and the mother I actually have is a distant friend or relative. It helps me emotionally. Instead of dwelling on her and what could or should be, I dwell on how I can be the best mother I am capable of being to my own children. I can either be like my mother or learn from my mother. I choose the latter. 

Our 'fights' have stopped because I have refused to let them start, as Dr. Phil suggested today. Yet, nothing else whatsoever has changed. She still lacks the self-motivation to acknowledge our birthdays on time, or sometimes even at all. She has 7 great-grandchildren. The oldest is 8 and not one of them has a memory of her because she does not send cards, call, visit, or in any other way, shape, or form, or acknowledge their existence for one pitiful excuse after another. Everything from: she can't afford it (yet she travels to visit her sisters), she's sick, she's working so hard, etc. etc. After reading about passive-aggressives, I can see that this type of behavior will never change unless something happens to her someday that causes her to acknowledge her true self. 

Is there any sort of 'pattern', such as passive-aggressive mothers, that tends to run in families with the type of behavior we saw on this show? Even Dr. Phil wouldn't or couldn't decide who was at fault. If those families are fortunate, the counseling they will receive will reveal problematic personality issues, but where does that leave the audience? I think the main message was to disengage rather than fight, which is great and definitely helpful, but what next? Whoever really is at fault - their behavior still continues and both conversations and family events remain something to be tolerated, not something that's enjoyed. 

My oldest granddaughter actually thought her great-grandmother was dead since she has no mmory of her. Not knowing what else to say, I told her that her my mother is very, very sick and that's why she doesn't hear from her. My mother is so accustomed to her self-pity and excuses, as if life is hard only to her and her sisters, that like one of the mothers on the show, she doesn't comprehend it when she is told that a friend or relative (other that her sisters) are very ill. Then she's shocked when they've died of cancer or some other serious thing has happened and gets all the colder towards us because she actually believes she hasn't been told or else she would have been more understanding or compasionate.  

Unfortunately, I also have a daughter-in-law with the same personality type as my mother. Everyone zips their mouth shut because she'll blow her top and even threaten never to visit again. My mother told me last year that she'll never visit us again and as mentioned, already has never visited her grandchildren or great-grandchildren, of course not on purpose - she promises to someday... So how do we learn not only to not argue with these types of individuals, but also not to enable? Especially when the result seems to be that the other individuals tell you to accept them and their personalities the way they are or else they'll have nothing to do with you? They're family! 

Is this when you DO say, oh well, on with my life and never mind them? What message does that send to the younger generations? Personally, I visit every other year and call once a month. My thinking is that the younger generations will see firsthand that there are all types of people on this earth and that we can't change them all and make them into caring individuals, but we can still love them, tolerate them, and move on with our lives. Any other ideas out there?