Replies to 'Divorce Support'

 

Love that song.  Bobby Vinton.  Oops, told my age.

 

Can we all say middle-age stupid?

 

Yep, he feels he is missing out on something and I bet I know what it is despite the shabby clothes.  You do too.  His sex drive probably decreased due to alternate outlets.  Is gay a possibility?

 

Not arguing or fighting does not guarantee a solid marriage.  Sometimes there is nothing left worth fighting about.

 

Tell him to stop "sharing".  You need the emotional and physical distance in order to get your life together.

 

Get that support in legal writing.  Extend it through the kids college years if your state permits.  His cash will go to the new love if he has/ever finds one.

 

Selfish is the word here.  And be prepared that about the time you get it all together he will want to come crawling back.  Especially if he was to get hurt or sick.  Have a game plan.

 

Bravo to the siblings who told him what an idiot he was.  And he deserves the three meddlers.  Maybe they will take him in if he ever needs help.  NOT

 

Any man who refuses counseling AND tells me he no longer loves me is history no matter how long the relationship.

 

Bravo to you for the new changes.

 

I can understand your feelings.  I would like to ask a few questions, why didn't you approve of him playing golf, roller skating, and such?  Was he ever "allowed" to do things he enjoyed? Just because you are married does not mean that you can no longer have a day to yourself.  I see that you say he has no friends, that is either because all he ever did was go to work and come home or he is a bad person.  I don't see you staying with a bad person for 28 years.  I also don't see how you can say you are getting your life together if he is still supporting you financially.  Until you are paying your bills your life isn't together.  (I mean with the assistance of child support)  

You also mention his meddling sisters, If the shoe was on the foot and you were the one that was unhappy and wanted to leave him don't you think your family would tell you to do what makes you happy?  I know all 5 of my sisters would be jumping up and down screaming and throwing a fit.   

You also call your husband selfish.  Why should you stay in a marriage that you aren't happy in.  If you aren't happy then no one else will be happy either.  I am sure you have heard the saying that if Mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy?  That applies to daddy too. 

I apologize if this sounds like a personal attack against you.  I promise you it is not.  I am simply just giving you a few things to think about that it doesn't seem like you have thought about.  (I am telling you stuff that a good friend should be telling you and since I am a friend to everyone I am telling you.) 

  

Good Luck! 

I am in the same boat and don't agree with Dr. Phil's thoughts.  Selfish is my husband's middle name too.  After 21 years of marriage, he has this tremendous personality shift from a family man to a single life 'I want to be alone and do my thing' attitude.  No reasons why except that he is confused.  We tried marriage counseling and the counselor dismissed him on the basis that he wasn't even trying to rectify things.  He then filed for divorce and I am proceeding accordingly but now he doesn't know what he wants.  He just turned 70 and I am beginning to believe there is a latent crisis of men who do this when they age.  He has chronic illnesses but seems not to consider that in his actions.  It sure would be nice for us victims of this to be able to understand why husbands do this late in life.  Are they trying to recapture their youth?  Thoughts welcome

I had my one and only child 15 years ago. Shortly after my husband began turning his back on me at night. Not so much as a snuggle. I realize now that I gave birth to my own replacement. I was a vessle to carry his child and nothing more. He shut me out. He replaced the pictures of me with those of our son. At one point, he had our bed surrounded with 11 pictures of him. Last October, he told me I was old, fat and ugly and that he could stick it to a 20 year old, but he sure as hell could not stick it to me.We went to see a professional who says that my husband, who is 65, is trying to regain his youth through our son. He has become mean, hurtful and refuses to believe he has done anything wrong. I shoud have seen the hurt coming. He always refused to buy me a wedding ring (even though wewere considered well off) and he refused to wear one. In the mean time, my mother-in-law says he is right, and I am wrong. She says he has every right to live his life in any way he wants, no matter who it hurts. And it has hurt our son. He has been arrested for breaking and entering, grand theft, etc. All while I had moved out to escape the hate and abusive language. My husband allows him to leave the house in the middle of the night, do what he wants, hang out with a bad element and steal and lie with no fear of punishment other than "Didn't I tell you that that is not good to do?"When I asked my husband what would make him happy, he said "A beer and a naked woman standing in front of him." Hate and hurtful behavior are easy emotions for people. They boost self esteem. Selfishness is a part of these emotions.

I have read many messages on this board from wives who are dealing with husbands and there mid-life crisis. Well, I am a husband who is going through a mid-life crisis. I have been married for 22 years. My brother, whom I was suppose to know, committed suicide leaving behind a wife and two young daughters. He left no note as to why. He had the perfect life, a great job and a great family life. Obviously, something was not right. No one will ever know....for sure. We can only speculate. Anyway, after I lost my brother, my life came to screeching halt. Everything I thought was important in my life......family......was no longer important. My wife held on for about two years. After trying everything in her power, she finally came to the realization that I was gone. It was not her fault. I just wanted a different life. I can't explain why. It is just this feeling inside of me. I still am close to my kids, I just can't seem to get close to my wife. We are now separated. What I am trying to say is that men go through many different emotions in life to cause a mid-life crisis. Mine was an unexpected suicide. I am open to any comments or advice.

My husband of 17 years is going through a midlife crisis as well, however he won't admit it.  He says he wants a divorce, but won't move out except to another bedroom.  I give him the freedom he wants and the time to get thru whatever he needs to.  I went thru one too, and was not so nice to be around.  He stuck it out, and now that the kids are oleaving the nest he just wants to be responsible for himself.  He will have t o make the move, if that is what he wants......until then I will hang in there for him as long as I can. 

  

Hi,I don't know where to start execpt by saying I read your message this morning and decided we were alot alike my situation is a little different.Last Tuesday after 18 years of marrige and two beautiful children 18 & 11.I approached my husband about his distancing from me he finally told me his head was confused and I asked if he still loved me he replied "yes" but doesn't know he wants to be married anymore.We have had issues of jealousy on his part and in return I know I am negitive to him especially when we are out with friends I think it's my way of hurting him back.I took my youngest and went to stay with my parents for a week.My oldest didn't want to come because of her own life with work and boyfriend.I did some real soul searching and I know what I want and what I done wrong so I came back here and I'm here for the weekend we have talked some but my husband was never taught to show emotion or affection from his family up bringing.I even had to tell my boss at work because we work at the same job(different shifts) and although my husband could go to weork and carry on my life had come to an end! My boss has been very suppportive and offered to help us both.I want to stay married I love him very much the hardest part is that he's a good provider,father and man he's just confused.I am all he has as his own family is wacko! I understand his low self esteeem and I'm trying to help him work through it but..... he doesn't yet know if even wants to seperate or not I cannot live here like we were but do not want to up-root my son and confuse him so for now he thinks we are vacationing at Nan's although I told him I needed a break from work because he was curious as I work full time.I thought maybe my husband was going through a mid life crisis because he wasn't always there for my oldest when she was little she just graduated and then he turned 39 we've been married since we were 17&21 so I thought that was it he says no and I do know it's not another women and he's shown and told me he loves me always will and will always protect me so what is it? Can anyone help me? Any advice please I'm so scared.I do know I can make it on my own that doesn't scare me what scares me is this being over when i love him so much am I reading too much into it? Should I try my best to save it or should I go and let him decide I'm scared if I do that then he changes his mind I might not want to come back for fear of it happening again.

I have a similar situation.  we have been married 17 years and have 2 daughters, 14 and 8.  I thought we had a great marriage up unti 2 weeks ago.  He kept saying that he has been unhappy for a year.  It is so strange to me, since we just got back from a vacation to california in apri and had a great time.  I though am not sure if he has found someone else or not.  he has become very sneaky with his blackberry and is on it all the time.  I took it to look in it the other day, and he became very agitated that he could not find it where he had left it.  Needless to say I did not get a chance to look at it before he noticed it was gone.  He just moved out yesterday, to see if he could figure things out.  He says he still loves me but not like a husband should love his wife.  I am distraught and angry.  We did start marriage counseling, but are christians and went to a christian marriage counselor.  He suggested we not go back to him, becuase the counselor only says this marriage can be fixed, that God intended marriage for a lifetime.  He wants to go to a regular marriage counselor, only so he does not have to be accountable.  His job requires frequent travels to New York City and he works with alot of women who are very fashion conscious and make alot of money.  He makes really good money and thinks he would like to live there.  I told him we could move there with him to keep the familly together, but he says that would mess the kids up, like divorce will not.  I guess even christian men do not have to honor there vows, my husband was even a deacon in our church.  I do not know what to do, because like yourself it came as a complete shock to me.  I love him very much and planned on spending the rest of my life with him.

I can't believe how similar our stories are.  I've been married 25 years and my husband is comfortable in his live, I'm not.  I want dialog, love, sex, compasion, understanding, support.  I get none of these.  I want to leave but I must first secure that my last child (a girl) gets into the college that she wants and he still helps to pay.  I can't crush her dreams because I am unhappy.  I have waited 10 years for him to wake up I can wait 8 months.  I have tried counceling 3 times and the counceler can only get a grunt for an answer.  He thinks that if he does the dishes, laundry that it will be all better. Although we haven't had sex in 4 years  I haven't  slept with him in our bed in 4 months and he doesn't even want to know why.  Since I have made the decision to leave I have been happier.  I now see a light at the end of the tunnel.  What do you think?  Any suggestions or comments?

I too have made people's jaw drop when they ask me where my husband is.  We were thought to be a happily married couple. 

My husband was sent to Italy this January, came home and by March, moved out and is living with his parents.  We have a twenty-eight year marriage, he moved out two weeks before our anniversary this past April.  He said exactly the same things, he didn't love me, but he loved me as the mother of his two children and as a person.  Don't have a clue as to what that means, since I didn't think you could put conditions on love.  But since then he has not been out of the country, still lives with his parents, is not happy and hasn't found what he is looking for.  He is having an internet affair with an "old" high school girlfriend(she is the same age as I)only she has children and grandchildren living with her, he got caught and this 52 year old man moved back home to Mom and Dad since he can't handle conflict.  Up until this point he was my soul mate, my best friend, and I didn't want to see what I now know was happening, I thought he was depressed.  Our children are 27 and 25, and will probably not marry or have children now after witnessing what their father did to us.  And I do mean all of us, because he used my daughter as an excuse for setting up the MySpace page so that he could contact the "old" girlfriend. The "old" girlfriend lives 1500 miles away and he thought she would be "safe".  Whatever that means.  We had a 30 year relationship before this all went down.  Girlfriend is divorced once, and separated from her 2nd husband.

My son has not spoke to his father in over 4 months, he feels this is not the man that raised him and has nothing in common with him.  What is sad is that they were so close and did so much together and now nothing.  But my son seems to be handling this pretty good.  He has new friends and new interests and has left the man that he called "Dad" in the dust.  Which does bother my husband, that he is no longer in the loop.  Our daughter has seen her father twice in four months.  She also agrees that he has become someone that she doesn't know or really want to know.  He is very boring.  He is still going on local business trips and the only conversation that they have is about the food that he has eaten.  He has also lost alot of memories, things that should be important, but the memory is gone.  He also stalks her.  He drives by her apartment to check and see who is visiting her.  When confronted with this activity, he told our daughter that he was helping me.  Haven't figured that one out since I haven't heard a word from him in over three months.  Don't know how him "stalking" our daughter is helping me.

I too went and got a part-time job(not really what I want to do), and I will be taking some college classes this fall to work on getting that job I want.  I had the job I wanted for 28 years and that was to be a work-at-home wife and mom, but that all been ripped away.  I never got bored, it was always something new, if I didn't have something to do, I made something to do.  I was not a boring person, I kept up on the happenings, I read, I created, I have done 12 years of genealogy research(he had the gall to take a copy of that)but it wasn't enough.  He told me me that I was a good "caretaker".   I cut his hair, hemmed every pair of slacks and jeans that man has worn for the last 30 years because of his 26 1/4 inseam. 

 I agree with you, I never thought the man that I married would be so self-centered and selfish to destroy our life together, the trust , and our family.  He really was a good guy up until this year.  Since leaving his home, this man of 52 years of age has moved in with his 75 year old parents, returned to  drinking on a regular basis, eating out all the time, and I don't have a clue as to if he is committing adultery, he has already emotionally cheated with the "amazing OLD girlfriend, so nothing he does now is normal.  That is what he said about their conversations, that they were amazing.  The thing is he was having amazing conversation with her on the MySpace instant messenger while I sat close by.  He didn't think it would hurt me.  It was safe.  To me it sounds like he wants to be a teenager all over again.  I wouldn't go there again.

 

He did go to three therapy sessions, but once the therapist mentioned Mid Life Crisis, he was done and will not returned.  The therapist also thought it might be bipolar disorder, but she never got the chance to diagnose him.  Therapist told me that sometimes they do come out of this, and want to return home(they realize that they had happiness all along), but she told me usually the wife has went on with her life and doesn't want him back.  I don't want my husband back the way he is, he is not the same person that I married.  He is mean, hateful and oh, so critical.  In fact, my home when my kids are here is a so much more happier place than it has been in the past year.  My daughter is glad to be home again, she thought it was something that she was doing that upsetting everyone.  She also mentioned that she has her brother back and that is a good thing.  We all thought it was something that we were doing and it was his depression that was making all of us miserable.  Now that he is gone, we are happy.  I could not make my husband happy, every thing I did was not the way he would have done it and he let me know it.  He did the very same thing to our son and I think now our son has his self-esteem back since he has seen that it was his father that has the problem.  You are so right, they hurt so many people by this decision that we didn't even get a voice in.  I did have to come to the realization that I am not responsible for his happiness.  That is solely his responsibility.

I can't imagine what it must be like for his retired parents to have their son back in the house after 34 years.  That has to suck.  But it was their decision to allow him to move back to their home instead of fencouraging him in finding himself a place of his own. 

I have been to see a lawyer just  to find out where I stand if he should decide to end this marriage. 

 

You are not alone.