Quote From: gallenI appreciate your insightful comments, thank you.
Since you were there when we did the taping, you were present for much more
of our time with Dr. Phil than will most likely air Tuesday. Kelly and I are wagering
between us - will I come off looking like a hero, or a zero. You don't ever know how
the show will air after the production team pieces things together. We have been
keeping in touch with our friends that were at the taping also, James and Amy.
I decided a while back that perfection is in the eyes of the beholder and is also a function
of present circumstances of life. Since the first show, I have really tried to put away the
measuring calipers and white gloves - there are more important things to occupy my time.
As you point out in your post, it would take an immense amount of energy to be so controlling.
We live in a judgmental and reactive world, and I think it's irrelevant how you come across to the world. I think the real service done is having Dr. Phil move beyond the polarities of right and wrong, and concentrate on the fact that Grant and Kelly are two people who are suffering, and have both the desire, and the capacity to create something different together. The real gift that I believe Dr. Phil gives the world is that he reaches beyond the behaviors that we can all get so reactive about, and shows us the deeper wisdom of our shared human fallibility...and even more importanly, that our lack of ability to love and receive love is only due to our own suffering. Grant is creating pain in his family, because he is in pain himself - on a level it sounds like he's just becoming conscious of... Even though it looks as if she's the victim, they're both completely disempowered. Anywhere we create pain for ourselves or others, this is the case. By giving away her power, she is definitely co-creating this situation.
I believe that this situation calls for compassion and accountability in equal measure.....as is true for every one of us, in all the challenging situations in our lives. I think what is really true is that these are two people who really love each other, who are really trying to get their own needs met....and at an even deeper level they would love to meet each other's needs. The 'issues' between them are superficial, and detract from the core issues that keep them from really seeing what is in the way of their happiness.
I think the personal attacks only make people defensive, and are not an invitation to open their hearts to find a softer, more workable truth. And from seeing some of the intellectual responses from Grant, it would seem that they keep him in his head, and disconnected from his heart. Men already have a huge tendency to do this, and that is why it is often so hard for them to hear (and validate) what a woman is feeling. I think if he could truly connect to the pain his wife feels it would break his heart into a million pieces.
And I don't believe that she's a victim, either. She's chosen a mate who will mirror to her her own feelings of inadequacy. She'd laugh it all of if she didn't deep down believe he was right about her not being good enough....though, I guess it didn't seem all that deep down from watching the show.
I felt the need to respond to this show, because I can relate to having a controlling, withholding, and critical husband. I feel so much empathy for Kelly's pain...and because of the work my husband and I have done together, I can feel emapthy for his pain. I have learned about the fear, pain, and feelings of inadequacy that are at the core of my husband's hurtful behaviors, and learned to see (and take responsibility for) where he's mirroring my own issues around self-worth back to me. In those moments when we can truly connect to each other's deeper experience we no longer are victim and perpetrator, but two flawed human beings who just really need each other's love and compassion, and forgiveness.
Grant and Kelly... I really saw your commitment to one another, and I truly hope that you can find a way to a place where you both feel met, and safe, and loved...
