Replies to '02/21 More Wifestyles'
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February 20, 2006, 8:03 am PST
 Quote From: gallen I wasn't sure how to react to your post when I read it the other day. You lay out a very detailed analysis and description of what goes on behind the scenes of filming and preparing something for television or cinema. I could only think of two reasons for doing so.
Do you honestly believe that your explanation of Hollywood was a shocking surprise to me, or that you were providing the missing pieces of reality that I have been unknowingly looking for? I hate to disappoint you. Star Trek is science fiction, Desperate Housewives is a very fun prime-time soap opera that airs Sunday nights, and 24, with my man Jack Bauer, is a slightly exaggerated re-enactment of real life events, and Grissom doesn't really get the DNA results back from the lab in time to solve the case before the credits role.
The other possibility is that you were taking a sarcastic jab at me, trying to do so with a little flair by trying to talk down at me. My ideas are not original; they come from hearing what other REAL LIFE people have told me about their relationships and division of household labor. It might really rock your world to learn that one of these people is my wife Kelly. After the show aired in October, a number of people shared with me that they were facing similar differences in their marriages. Some people are ok with settling for just living with it; the strife, increasing arguing and hurt feelings, but I wanted to do something about it. Taking all this to Dr. Phil was a choice I made, infrequently questioned, but haven't regretted. Let me go on a tangent for just a minute, but I think the crisis of society is partly due to the absence of the personal accountability and responsibility. In the parenting and family magazines that I read, the era of the 1950's is frequently used as a comparison to the domestic 'health' of families today. In a way, I am suggesting that if something worked then it should be used today. Technology doesn't fall into this category; I'm an engineer. Having Mom at home when the kids came home from school kept them out of trouble, doing their homework and keeping an eye on who they were associating with. Crime statistics, teen pregnancies, drop-out rates, gang violence, drug usage by teens, etc..., are indicators to me that more of the same 'laid-back or hands-free parenting' is only going to get us into more trouble. We had a hospital in town shut down a few years ago because people were not paying their bills for treatment they had received. There is another hospital up the street facing similar problems. So, where am I headed with this - let me tell you. Kids learn from their parents, and parents that do not accept their responsibilities will probably raise kids that simply rely on the government systems to further their own existence. I lived in Springfield, Mass. for several months where I witnessed generations of welfare dependant families living in government subsidized housing. I made a list of what I wife ought to be familiar with, because I thought those things were important. I have a similar list of things for husbands. Problems occur when fathers, mothers, wives and husbands aren't held accountable for their responsibilities. I don't think keeping a clean house, tending to kids, mending what needs to be mended, cooking dinner and having it ready for the family to sit down for together are wildly outside the realm of the expected. Frankly, I am a little concerned by your apparent thinking that it is unreasonable to expect these things.
I provided Dr Phil a list of things that I thought a stay at home wife ought to be familiar with. I never discussed perfection or any degree of competency with these listed items - they were just general knowledge. There are libraries of books written to contain the stuff women think their male counterparts ought to know about themselves. From your post it sounds like 75 is too much for you to handle on your own and would need back up to get the rest done - what is your number? What do you feel responsible for being aware of in your role in you present relationship? Lists aren't inherently evil or bad - it is one way of putting information down so it can be shared and discussed. Oh' my god................... This can't be true... please tell me it's not true. If I don't stack my dishes in the correct and proper manner my children will become just another statistic? They will be welfare dependant and living in subsidized housing? Well, we can't have that now can we..............master? |
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February 20, 2006, 1:23 pm PST
Quote From: gallen I wasn't sure how to react to your post when I read it the other day. You lay out a very detailed analysis and description of what goes on behind the scenes of filming and preparing something for television or cinema. I could only think of two reasons for doing so.
Do you honestly believe that your explanation of Hollywood was a shocking surprise to me, or that you were providing the missing pieces of reality that I have been unknowingly looking for? I hate to disappoint you. Star Trek is science fiction, Desperate Housewives is a very fun prime-time soap opera that airs Sunday nights, and 24, with my man Jack Bauer, is a slightly exaggerated re-enactment of real life events, and Grissom doesn't really get the DNA results back from the lab in time to solve the case before the credits role.
The other possibility is that you were taking a sarcastic jab at me, trying to do so with a little flair by trying to talk down at me. My ideas are not original; they come from hearing what other REAL LIFE people have told me about their relationships and division of household labor. It might really rock your world to learn that one of these people is my wife Kelly. After the show aired in October, a number of people shared with me that they were facing similar differences in their marriages. Some people are ok with settling for just living with it; the strife, increasing arguing and hurt feelings, but I wanted to do something about it. Taking all this to Dr. Phil was a choice I made, infrequently questioned, but haven't regretted. Let me go on a tangent for just a minute, but I think the crisis of society is partly due to the absence of the personal accountability and responsibility. In the parenting and family magazines that I read, the era of the 1950's is frequently used as a comparison to the domestic 'health' of families today. In a way, I am suggesting that if something worked then it should be used today. Technology doesn't fall into this category; I'm an engineer. Having Mom at home when the kids came home from school kept them out of trouble, doing their homework and keeping an eye on who they were associating with. Crime statistics, teen pregnancies, drop-out rates, gang violence, drug usage by teens, etc..., are indicators to me that more of the same 'laid-back or hands-free parenting' is only going to get us into more trouble. We had a hospital in town shut down a few years ago because people were not paying their bills for treatment they had received. There is another hospital up the street facing similar problems. So, where am I headed with this - let me tell you. Kids learn from their parents, and parents that do not accept their responsibilities will probably raise kids that simply rely on the government systems to further their own existence. I lived in Springfield, Mass. for several months where I witnessed generations of welfare dependant families living in government subsidized housing. I made a list of what I wife ought to be familiar with, because I thought those things were important. I have a similar list of things for husbands. Problems occur when fathers, mothers, wives and husbands aren't held accountable for their responsibilities. I don't think keeping a clean house, tending to kids, mending what needs to be mended, cooking dinner and having it ready for the family to sit down for together are wildly outside the realm of the expected. Frankly, I am a little concerned by your apparent thinking that it is unreasonable to expect these things.
I provided Dr Phil a list of things that I thought a stay at home wife ought to be familiar with. I never discussed perfection or any degree of competency with these listed items - they were just general knowledge. There are libraries of books written to contain the stuff women think their male counterparts ought to know about themselves. From your post it sounds like 75 is too much for you to handle on your own and would need back up to get the rest done - what is your number? What do you feel responsible for being aware of in your role in you present relationship? Lists aren't inherently evil or bad - it is one way of putting information down so it can be shared and discussed. You talk about the 1950s, you really sound as if you idealize them. What I see, is that you are neglecting to look at the realities of the 1950s, people then, just like people today, had problems and addictions, joys and triumphs. The thing is, the people were children in the 1950s, grew up and changed what they were taught for a reason, they felt stifled, overcontrolled, and pushed into being something they were not.
But really, none of the crime statistics, teen pregnancies, drop out rates, gang violence etc, has anything to do with how you treat your wife and how you raise your children. However, how you treat your wife, and raise your children Does affect all of the concerns you listed, by the simple fact that if you treat your family with respect, love and consideration to their needs, wants and feelings, they will go on to treat others the same way, and eventually their children will learn to treat others thus as well. However, if you treat your wife badly by ignoring her needs, demanding unreasonable things, and dictating to her how she should be, then your children will see that, and go on to inflict their own form of it on their spouse and children.
Think about the 1950s really, public image was everything, women were expected to be virtual slaves, and they were expected to enjoy it, there is a reason that this mode of thinking is outdated. Women arent slaves, they are just as deserving of respect and love and consideration as a man is, it is this thinking that women must stay at home, tend babies and slave in the house that people like my mother tried to get away from.
I do agree with you that societies problems today are due to parents not taking responsibility for their children, or teaching them basic respect and consideration for others. However, what you are teaching your children with your unreasonable demands of their mother, is to disrespect, and to be disrespected by others.
My mother in law grew up in the 50s, she learned that a perfect outer image was more important that a happy, stable, imperfect outer image. As a result, both of her children grew up abused, neglected, and emotionally crippled because my mother in law could not understand that the perfect outer image she was working so hard to maintain, left her children with an emotionally bankrupt mother who took all of her frustrations out on her family. The 50s werent the bastion of a healthy society you believe them to be, people then are the same as they were now, just the problems were not as advertised then as they are today.
I have two children, my eldest is an A and B student, extremely respectful and courteous to others, and knows that people treat you how you let them, and how you treat them. Is my home spotless? no, it is clean, it is comfortable, and my husband and myself share the household chores equally, because we both know how it is to grow up in a home with a person who places such importance on public image. I take the time i could be making the dishes perfectly organised and straight, and i use it to play with my children, because i know what makes a difference to them, a happy mother, a happy father, and time managed properly so that they are not neglected in favor of a chore that really isnt necessary. My husband knows that i am deserving of respect, and he behaves accordingly, in return he recieves respect, love and everything i can do to make his life easier.
If what i am reading from your post is correct, you are allowing a vision of what you wish life to be like, to interfere with what life is like with your wife. You cannot make your life mimic what someone elses life looks like from the outside, and you cannot (as you have found out, or you would not be coming to Dr. Phil) make your family mimic the outer images you see of others lives.
Your wife and family are more important than that ideal outer image you want to have, your home is a safe haven from the world, not a showcase, and your wife is a person with feelings, thoughts, and needs that do not always match your own.
this statement:
"So, where am I headed with this - let me tell you. Kids learn from their parents, and parents that do not accept their responsibilities will probably raise kids that simply rely on the government systems to further their own existence."
what are you teaching your children by treating their mother this way? Apply your logical mind, and see through the eyes of a child, who takes everything literally, what are they seeing?
How would you react if your daughter were being subjected to this behavior?
My sympathies to you both, I hope you find peace and manage to repair your relationship. |
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February 21, 2006, 9:21 am PST
Quote From: gallen I wasn't sure how to react to your post when I read it the other day. You lay out a very detailed analysis and description of what goes on behind the scenes of filming and preparing something for television or cinema. I could only think of two reasons for doing so.
Do you honestly believe that your explanation of Hollywood was a shocking surprise to me, or that you were providing the missing pieces of reality that I have been unknowingly looking for? I hate to disappoint you. Star Trek is science fiction, Desperate Housewives is a very fun prime-time soap opera that airs Sunday nights, and 24, with my man Jack Bauer, is a slightly exaggerated re-enactment of real life events, and Grissom doesn't really get the DNA results back from the lab in time to solve the case before the credits role.
The other possibility is that you were taking a sarcastic jab at me, trying to do so with a little flair by trying to talk down at me. My ideas are not original; they come from hearing what other REAL LIFE people have told me about their relationships and division of household labor. It might really rock your world to learn that one of these people is my wife Kelly. After the show aired in October, a number of people shared with me that they were facing similar differences in their marriages. Some people are ok with settling for just living with it; the strife, increasing arguing and hurt feelings, but I wanted to do something about it. Taking all this to Dr. Phil was a choice I made, infrequently questioned, but haven't regretted. Let me go on a tangent for just a minute, but I think the crisis of society is partly due to the absence of the personal accountability and responsibility. In the parenting and family magazines that I read, the era of the 1950's is frequently used as a comparison to the domestic 'health' of families today. In a way, I am suggesting that if something worked then it should be used today. Technology doesn't fall into this category; I'm an engineer. Having Mom at home when the kids came home from school kept them out of trouble, doing their homework and keeping an eye on who they were associating with. Crime statistics, teen pregnancies, drop-out rates, gang violence, drug usage by teens, etc..., are indicators to me that more of the same 'laid-back or hands-free parenting' is only going to get us into more trouble. We had a hospital in town shut down a few years ago because people were not paying their bills for treatment they had received. There is another hospital up the street facing similar problems. So, where am I headed with this - let me tell you. Kids learn from their parents, and parents that do not accept their responsibilities will probably raise kids that simply rely on the government systems to further their own existence. I lived in Springfield, Mass. for several months where I witnessed generations of welfare dependant families living in government subsidized housing. I made a list of what I wife ought to be familiar with, because I thought those things were important. I have a similar list of things for husbands. Problems occur when fathers, mothers, wives and husbands aren't held accountable for their responsibilities. I don't think keeping a clean house, tending to kids, mending what needs to be mended, cooking dinner and having it ready for the family to sit down for together are wildly outside the realm of the expected. Frankly, I am a little concerned by your apparent thinking that it is unreasonable to expect these things.
I provided Dr Phil a list of things that I thought a stay at home wife ought to be familiar with. I never discussed perfection or any degree of competency with these listed items - they were just general knowledge. There are libraries of books written to contain the stuff women think their male counterparts ought to know about themselves. From your post it sounds like 75 is too much for you to handle on your own and would need back up to get the rest done - what is your number? What do you feel responsible for being aware of in your role in you present relationship? Lists aren't inherently evil or bad - it is one way of putting information down so it can be shared and discussed. Grant, you write exceptionally well. I might be happy as your employer, but never as your spouse.
I am a lawyer, a homemaker, and a demanding/critical perfectionist. It is the greatest struggle of my life to accept that I married a person who cannot, will not, and doesn't want to live in the precise world I desire. On bad days, I stay in my marriage only because I will not take their father away from my children.
That said, I think you need a big block of time with your kids. The only constant in daily life with children is the interruptions. Fathers such as Captain von Trapp (of "The Sound of Music"), who think military-style discipline works for family life, are portrayed as comic figures because people who know kids, know how unsuccessful that approach is. If you really fear that you may fail as a parent (that's what I hear), you will do well to learn how children work. They are more likely to become better citiizens if they know their mother puts their needs first.
I also think that some of your considerable energy could be spent doing housework, Babe.
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February 21, 2006, 10:20 am PST
Quote From: gallen I wasn't sure how to react to your post when I read it the other day. You lay out a very detailed analysis and description of what goes on behind the scenes of filming and preparing something for television or cinema. I could only think of two reasons for doing so.
Do you honestly believe that your explanation of Hollywood was a shocking surprise to me, or that you were providing the missing pieces of reality that I have been unknowingly looking for? I hate to disappoint you. Star Trek is science fiction, Desperate Housewives is a very fun prime-time soap opera that airs Sunday nights, and 24, with my man Jack Bauer, is a slightly exaggerated re-enactment of real life events, and Grissom doesn't really get the DNA results back from the lab in time to solve the case before the credits role.
The other possibility is that you were taking a sarcastic jab at me, trying to do so with a little flair by trying to talk down at me. My ideas are not original; they come from hearing what other REAL LIFE people have told me about their relationships and division of household labor. It might really rock your world to learn that one of these people is my wife Kelly. After the show aired in October, a number of people shared with me that they were facing similar differences in their marriages. Some people are ok with settling for just living with it; the strife, increasing arguing and hurt feelings, but I wanted to do something about it. Taking all this to Dr. Phil was a choice I made, infrequently questioned, but haven't regretted. Let me go on a tangent for just a minute, but I think the crisis of society is partly due to the absence of the personal accountability and responsibility. In the parenting and family magazines that I read, the era of the 1950's is frequently used as a comparison to the domestic 'health' of families today. In a way, I am suggesting that if something worked then it should be used today. Technology doesn't fall into this category; I'm an engineer. Having Mom at home when the kids came home from school kept them out of trouble, doing their homework and keeping an eye on who they were associating with. Crime statistics, teen pregnancies, drop-out rates, gang violence, drug usage by teens, etc..., are indicators to me that more of the same 'laid-back or hands-free parenting' is only going to get us into more trouble. We had a hospital in town shut down a few years ago because people were not paying their bills for treatment they had received. There is another hospital up the street facing similar problems. So, where am I headed with this - let me tell you. Kids learn from their parents, and parents that do not accept their responsibilities will probably raise kids that simply rely on the government systems to further their own existence. I lived in Springfield, Mass. for several months where I witnessed generations of welfare dependant families living in government subsidized housing. I made a list of what I wife ought to be familiar with, because I thought those things were important. I have a similar list of things for husbands. Problems occur when fathers, mothers, wives and husbands aren't held accountable for their responsibilities. I don't think keeping a clean house, tending to kids, mending what needs to be mended, cooking dinner and having it ready for the family to sit down for together are wildly outside the realm of the expected. Frankly, I am a little concerned by your apparent thinking that it is unreasonable to expect these things.
I provided Dr Phil a list of things that I thought a stay at home wife ought to be familiar with. I never discussed perfection or any degree of competency with these listed items - they were just general knowledge. There are libraries of books written to contain the stuff women think their male counterparts ought to know about themselves. From your post it sounds like 75 is too much for you to handle on your own and would need back up to get the rest done - what is your number? What do you feel responsible for being aware of in your role in you present relationship? Lists aren't inherently evil or bad - it is one way of putting information down so it can be shared and discussed. Grant! You need to lay off the books for a while.instead of reading the books and magazines find out what your wife's needs and wants are.Maybe she should make a list for you and what your responsibilities in this relationship is. AS FOR THE RING! Shame on you!!!! The "ring" is a symbol of a commitment you made with Kelly.....Till death do you part, for better or worse... You are not a man you are a coward. Hiding behind your wife's inperfections for your own. |
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February 21, 2006, 4:13 pm PST
Quote From: gallen I wasn't sure how to react to your post when I read it the other day. You lay out a very detailed analysis and description of what goes on behind the scenes of filming and preparing something for television or cinema. I could only think of two reasons for doing so.
Do you honestly believe that your explanation of Hollywood was a shocking surprise to me, or that you were providing the missing pieces of reality that I have been unknowingly looking for? I hate to disappoint you. Star Trek is science fiction, Desperate Housewives is a very fun prime-time soap opera that airs Sunday nights, and 24, with my man Jack Bauer, is a slightly exaggerated re-enactment of real life events, and Grissom doesn't really get the DNA results back from the lab in time to solve the case before the credits role.
The other possibility is that you were taking a sarcastic jab at me, trying to do so with a little flair by trying to talk down at me. My ideas are not original; they come from hearing what other REAL LIFE people have told me about their relationships and division of household labor. It might really rock your world to learn that one of these people is my wife Kelly. After the show aired in October, a number of people shared with me that they were facing similar differences in their marriages. Some people are ok with settling for just living with it; the strife, increasing arguing and hurt feelings, but I wanted to do something about it. Taking all this to Dr. Phil was a choice I made, infrequently questioned, but haven't regretted. Let me go on a tangent for just a minute, but I think the crisis of society is partly due to the absence of the personal accountability and responsibility. In the parenting and family magazines that I read, the era of the 1950's is frequently used as a comparison to the domestic 'health' of families today. In a way, I am suggesting that if something worked then it should be used today. Technology doesn't fall into this category; I'm an engineer. Having Mom at home when the kids came home from school kept them out of trouble, doing their homework and keeping an eye on who they were associating with. Crime statistics, teen pregnancies, drop-out rates, gang violence, drug usage by teens, etc..., are indicators to me that more of the same 'laid-back or hands-free parenting' is only going to get us into more trouble. We had a hospital in town shut down a few years ago because people were not paying their bills for treatment they had received. There is another hospital up the street facing similar problems. So, where am I headed with this - let me tell you. Kids learn from their parents, and parents that do not accept their responsibilities will probably raise kids that simply rely on the government systems to further their own existence. I lived in Springfield, Mass. for several months where I witnessed generations of welfare dependant families living in government subsidized housing. I made a list of what I wife ought to be familiar with, because I thought those things were important. I have a similar list of things for husbands. Problems occur when fathers, mothers, wives and husbands aren't held accountable for their responsibilities. I don't think keeping a clean house, tending to kids, mending what needs to be mended, cooking dinner and having it ready for the family to sit down for together are wildly outside the realm of the expected. Frankly, I am a little concerned by your apparent thinking that it is unreasonable to expect these things.
I provided Dr Phil a list of things that I thought a stay at home wife ought to be familiar with. I never discussed perfection or any degree of competency with these listed items - they were just general knowledge. There are libraries of books written to contain the stuff women think their male counterparts ought to know about themselves. From your post it sounds like 75 is too much for you to handle on your own and would need back up to get the rest done - what is your number? What do you feel responsible for being aware of in your role in you present relationship? Lists aren't inherently evil or bad - it is one way of putting information down so it can be shared and discussed. Grant - I have to say I came in at the end of the show and was interested to find that you put a clean house ahead of time spent with the children. Yes children learn from their parents, responsibility for their actions and accountability and these are very important lessons. They also learn how to cook, and clean but perhaps a more important lesson for our children to learn is how to relate to their spouse and what is actually important in a relationship. Not only do they learn acceptable behavior they learn acceptance – even when they are not perfect. Which behavior is more acceptable: ensuring that the bathroom is clean or ensuring that a three year-old child is not riding down the street unsupervised? (Where I come from an unsupervised toddler on the street would cause the police to be called, the person responsible for supervising the child would probably be arrested and the child possibly removed from the parent’s custody for.) Which is more desirable: a spotless kitchen or a child, who knows that their parent will take the time to play, read or just sit with them? What lessons are the most important for the children to learn: that a clean home and dinner on the table at a specific time is required or that when they need mom or dad that everything else will stop and they will have mom & dad’s undivided attention – for even the silliest things (and sometimes the silliest things are the most important).
Just so you know I am a mom and wife. My husband and I have been married for 19 years and we have a beautiful 14 year old daughter who is an honor student in high school. Did I stay home to raise her? No, our financial situation and my nature really didn’t allow for that. My husband went to school at night to become an Engineer for the first couple years after she was born. I am now in my 3rd year of college and we both work full time. I know that my daughter is aware that no matter what she is the most important thing… are the dishes always done every night? No. Is the laundry always folded and put away? No. Is my daughter a well bright, well behaved child on her way to a good life? In my very biased opinion yes. Is she aware that having a clean home is important? Yes. Does she think that this should take priority over everything else? Thankfully no.
The division of labor in a home is necessary… but that doesn’t mean that the husband's only labor is to bring home the money and the stay at home wife’s labor is to cover everything else. Raising the children, keeping the home tidy and being a warm, loving,supporting spouse are the responsibility of both parties. |
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February 21, 2006, 5:50 pm PST
Quote From: gallen I wasn't sure how to react to your post when I read it the other day. You lay out a very detailed analysis and description of what goes on behind the scenes of filming and preparing something for television or cinema. I could only think of two reasons for doing so.
Do you honestly believe that your explanation of Hollywood was a shocking surprise to me, or that you were providing the missing pieces of reality that I have been unknowingly looking for? I hate to disappoint you. Star Trek is science fiction, Desperate Housewives is a very fun prime-time soap opera that airs Sunday nights, and 24, with my man Jack Bauer, is a slightly exaggerated re-enactment of real life events, and Grissom doesn't really get the DNA results back from the lab in time to solve the case before the credits role.
The other possibility is that you were taking a sarcastic jab at me, trying to do so with a little flair by trying to talk down at me. My ideas are not original; they come from hearing what other REAL LIFE people have told me about their relationships and division of household labor. It might really rock your world to learn that one of these people is my wife Kelly. After the show aired in October, a number of people shared with me that they were facing similar differences in their marriages. Some people are ok with settling for just living with it; the strife, increasing arguing and hurt feelings, but I wanted to do something about it. Taking all this to Dr. Phil was a choice I made, infrequently questioned, but haven't regretted. Let me go on a tangent for just a minute, but I think the crisis of society is partly due to the absence of the personal accountability and responsibility. In the parenting and family magazines that I read, the era of the 1950's is frequently used as a comparison to the domestic 'health' of families today. In a way, I am suggesting that if something worked then it should be used today. Technology doesn't fall into this category; I'm an engineer. Having Mom at home when the kids came home from school kept them out of trouble, doing their homework and keeping an eye on who they were associating with. Crime statistics, teen pregnancies, drop-out rates, gang violence, drug usage by teens, etc..., are indicators to me that more of the same 'laid-back or hands-free parenting' is only going to get us into more trouble. We had a hospital in town shut down a few years ago because people were not paying their bills for treatment they had received. There is another hospital up the street facing similar problems. So, where am I headed with this - let me tell you. Kids learn from their parents, and parents that do not accept their responsibilities will probably raise kids that simply rely on the government systems to further their own existence. I lived in Springfield, Mass. for several months where I witnessed generations of welfare dependant families living in government subsidized housing. I made a list of what I wife ought to be familiar with, because I thought those things were important. I have a similar list of things for husbands. Problems occur when fathers, mothers, wives and husbands aren't held accountable for their responsibilities. I don't think keeping a clean house, tending to kids, mending what needs to be mended, cooking dinner and having it ready for the family to sit down for together are wildly outside the realm of the expected. Frankly, I am a little concerned by your apparent thinking that it is unreasonable to expect these things.
I provided Dr Phil a list of things that I thought a stay at home wife ought to be familiar with. I never discussed perfection or any degree of competency with these listed items - they were just general knowledge. There are libraries of books written to contain the stuff women think their male counterparts ought to know about themselves. From your post it sounds like 75 is too much for you to handle on your own and would need back up to get the rest done - what is your number? What do you feel responsible for being aware of in your role in you present relationship? Lists aren't inherently evil or bad - it is one way of putting information down so it can be shared and discussed. Ok I am a stay at home mom of 3 with a husband who works 2 jobs so that I can stay home he is currently out of the country serving in the USCG b/c on top of the 2 full time jobs he is a USCG Reservist. I will have to say that sometimes I wish it were me going to the 2 differnt jobs b/c I am hom 24/7 with the kids and don't get to say I need a break. The list you made was crazy and I can tell you that my list is longer than yours and I NEVER get it all done. I cook, clean, discipline, grocery shop, change drity diapers, give baths etc...and right now I am the role of both mommy and daddy. But I dare my husband to tell me that its not done well enough b/c I know hands down that I may not do it perfect all the time I can do a heck of a lot more all at once than he ever could, I have learned how to do 10 things at once and yes, there are days when I don't put all the laundry away or leave the dishes for the morning b/c I am just TIRED and on top of that I want to spend a few minutes of my day with my HUSBAND. I am wondering why you don't pitch in an help organize the closets and drawers and toys since you are the one who has the problem with the location or condition they are in? Heck your wife is the one cooking why do you care where the tomatos sauce is or the spaghetti noodles are as long as she gets the food on the table. And just a little hint my husband and I lived together for a year before we got married and I got up before him to make his lunch i did this everyday until I heard one to many complaints on what was made or packed, at that time I was working my own full time job and didnt have to be up for at least an hour and I never made his lunch again b/c why should I do something for somebody who would complain about it instead of saying thank you. You might find your wife doing nothing for you from lanundry to dinner and then how will you feel. I know I am not perfect but think how you would feel if everytime you did something your boss or co-worker criticized it, you would eventually break your spirt would be nothing. Just some food for thought. And one last thing what makes you think its ok not to wear your wedding band? To me that is the biggest slap in the face you have put a condition on the love you have for your wife which to me is horrible. Even in the maddest days of my marriage I have always worn my wedding band. I do hope you get the IT you are missing..but It is pretty obvious love you wife for who she is and what she DOES day in and day out for you to your standards or not...loosen up life is too short. This is coming from a woman whose own mother had such expections of me that even now I cant possibly meet them I was always set up for failure and that is what you are doing to your wife. |
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February 21, 2006, 6:16 pm PST
Quote From: gallen I wasn't sure how to react to your post when I read it the other day. You lay out a very detailed analysis and description of what goes on behind the scenes of filming and preparing something for television or cinema. I could only think of two reasons for doing so.
Do you honestly believe that your explanation of Hollywood was a shocking surprise to me, or that you were providing the missing pieces of reality that I have been unknowingly looking for? I hate to disappoint you. Star Trek is science fiction, Desperate Housewives is a very fun prime-time soap opera that airs Sunday nights, and 24, with my man Jack Bauer, is a slightly exaggerated re-enactment of real life events, and Grissom doesn't really get the DNA results back from the lab in time to solve the case before the credits role.
The other possibility is that you were taking a sarcastic jab at me, trying to do so with a little flair by trying to talk down at me. My ideas are not original; they come from hearing what other REAL LIFE people have told me about their relationships and division of household labor. It might really rock your world to learn that one of these people is my wife Kelly. After the show aired in October, a number of people shared with me that they were facing similar differences in their marriages. Some people are ok with settling for just living with it; the strife, increasing arguing and hurt feelings, but I wanted to do something about it. Taking all this to Dr. Phil was a choice I made, infrequently questioned, but haven't regretted. Let me go on a tangent for just a minute, but I think the crisis of society is partly due to the absence of the personal accountability and responsibility. In the parenting and family magazines that I read, the era of the 1950's is frequently used as a comparison to the domestic 'health' of families today. In a way, I am suggesting that if something worked then it should be used today. Technology doesn't fall into this category; I'm an engineer. Having Mom at home when the kids came home from school kept them out of trouble, doing their homework and keeping an eye on who they were associating with. Crime statistics, teen pregnancies, drop-out rates, gang violence, drug usage by teens, etc..., are indicators to me that more of the same 'laid-back or hands-free parenting' is only going to get us into more trouble. We had a hospital in town shut down a few years ago because people were not paying their bills for treatment they had received. There is another hospital up the street facing similar problems. So, where am I headed with this - let me tell you. Kids learn from their parents, and parents that do not accept their responsibilities will probably raise kids that simply rely on the government systems to further their own existence. I lived in Springfield, Mass. for several months where I witnessed generations of welfare dependant families living in government subsidized housing. I made a list of what I wife ought to be familiar with, because I thought those things were important. I have a similar list of things for husbands. Problems occur when fathers, mothers, wives and husbands aren't held accountable for their responsibilities. I don't think keeping a clean house, tending to kids, mending what needs to be mended, cooking dinner and having it ready for the family to sit down for together are wildly outside the realm of the expected. Frankly, I am a little concerned by your apparent thinking that it is unreasonable to expect these things.
I provided Dr Phil a list of things that I thought a stay at home wife ought to be familiar with. I never discussed perfection or any degree of competency with these listed items - they were just general knowledge. There are libraries of books written to contain the stuff women think their male counterparts ought to know about themselves. From your post it sounds like 75 is too much for you to handle on your own and would need back up to get the rest done - what is your number? What do you feel responsible for being aware of in your role in you present relationship? Lists aren't inherently evil or bad - it is one way of putting information down so it can be shared and discussed. I seldom watch Dr. Phil but somehow managed to catch two shows with Grant and Kelly on. I don't know how many shows they have been on to date. I could take sides in this but I won't because I don't believe that will help the situation, instead, I choose to share from my heart and 31 years of marriage. I think everyone has lists of expectations, at least I do and sometimes our expectations are unreasonable. In 1979 my husband had to take over doing my jobs as a stay-at-home parent because I was hospitalized. After two weeks he came to me and told me he appreciated the effort I put into the house and family. He actually created a list of all the jobs I did daily, weekly, and monthly, then he found out what he would have to pay if he hired people to do those jobs. His total anticipated expenditures (based on his own list) was $70,000.00. He figured he would have to earn an extra $70,000.00 dollars to hire people to do the work I was doing at home. I found this interesting especially since he only made about 10,000.00 a year in 1979. It felt wonderful to know that he realized the effort and work I contributed to the family even tho I was not paid for it. My husband and I are very responsible, accountable people. People know they can count on us but even with the level of responsibility and accountability we demonstrate, it is not GOOD ENOUGH for our families. Our families always find something we fail them in BECAUSE WE ARE NOT DOING SOMETHING THEY WANT US TO DO, OR NOT DOING SOMETHING THE WAY THEY WANT IT DONE. Perfect is never good enough because when perfection is achieved, then resentment sets in because the person is perfect. An "A" in school should have been and "A+". An A+ finally earned is discounted as the teacher "gave you that grade". I remember what the non-"A' kids called the "A" kids and they said the names out of jealously, and other emotions. The truth is, there is nothing to expect beyond perfection. If I really wanted to get philosophical, each human being is already a perfect human being because humans are flawed creatures by virtue of free will. Too high of expectations achieved leaves those of us with high expectations with a dissatisfied "not good enough" attitude, critical spirits, poorly defined and vaguely specified definition of our expectations leaving those we expect a lot from loosing heart, giving up, feeling despised, and feeling like love and acceptance are only GRANTED if they perform the right dance with all the right steps but never being shown or told what the steps are. I have high expectations of people and especially of myself. Sometimes I fall short of my own expectations-then I really get mad. I can truthfully say this: not all expectations are right or realistic, or reasonable and I know for myself that my anger at not getting what I think I should get or deserve (whether from myself or someone else) sometimes results from unrealistic expectations on my part. I am not surprised or shocked by Grant and Kelly. I see "them" ( you two) all the time. Grant and Kelly, but especially Grant, I hope you learn that it takes both the husband and the wife making positive contributions to make the marriage pleasurable while It only takes one of you making negative contributions to destroy it. |
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