Replies to '02/21 More Wifestyles'

You may be a very smart person but having intelligence also means having understanding and reason. I agree that attention to details is very important,but I tend to spend less time concentrating on the less important ones(dishes and laundry). Instead, I try to concentrate on the better things in life.( teaching my 9 month old the fine art of finger painting in her peas and carrots.) 

No, I'm not saying let the dishes pile up to the ceiling and buy new outfits so you won't have to do laundry, but loosen up man. 

I hope you learn something from the show, and I wish you and your family nothing but happiness. 

You have your heart in the right place by wanting children to grow up with responsiblities and morals, but I believe your going about it the wrong way. 

And I do read.  

If you were so worried about your children then you would stop with all your endless demands and petty nonsense.  Youre more concerned about an orderly house then your very own childrens emotional/psychological development.    

  

Grooming, cleanliness, house in order, blah blah blah blah.  Youre like a broken record!  Heres a clue for the braniac:  CHILDREN WOULD RATHER LIVE IN A MESSY HOUSE OF LOVE THEN IN AN ORDERLY HOUSE OF UNHAPPINESS!   

  

Kelly, its ALL on you now.  Make your choice.  Your husbands endless demanding negative intolerant behavior, or your childrens best interest and your own peace of mind.  CHOOSE! 

Actually, if you read more information and keep an open mind, you'll find that the actual time you spend with your children matters a great deal more than the state of the closets.  There's a big difference between letting the whole place go to hell and having a little untidiness where it matters very little.  I think you're cherrypicking the theories that support your position.   

  

I also think you're a very lucky man.  Your wife has a lot of patience.  In her shoes, I'd have been gone a very long time ago.   

I have to ask: is your house a total pigsty, or just has the "lived-in" look? If it is the latter, you really should lighten up a bit. It is much more important that Kelly spends quality time with the children than keeping an atiseptic house. Your children will remember that Mom spent time reading to them or playing games, not if the house was immaculate. 

  

Isn't the purpose of Kelly staying home to be a stay at home mom? Grant, which is more important to you, having a happy family and home or having a museum-like house? 

  

I truly would understand your criticism if the house was filthy, unsanitary, or unsafe for your children. However, I think you are being a little unrealistic in your expectations. Have you cared for the children for the same amount of time that Kelly does for more than one day? Humans are unpredictable, especially children. Yes, it is good to have routines and schedules, but they also have to be flexible to allow for that important variable, the human factor. 

  

Grant, you are very lucky to be married to such a beautiful woman who loves you and is striving to raise healthy and happy children. 

Grant - How sad that you cannot sit next to your beautiful and amazingly loving wife AND JUST LOVE HER. Don't you understand that the nit-picking about the house and the other extraneous garbage just takes the light out of her eyes and her spirit a little bit at a time? 

  

Your house doesn't have broken windows because Kelly doesn't spend all her time - time which will ALWAYS be better spent with your great kids - cleaning, cooking, and making what should be a home into a show piece. Why do you want a fake house to show-off?  Why wouldn't you want your home to be filled with love, with drawings from the kids, with the mess that comes from children being raised with love and attention???  Attention to detail is very important, but the details that should be paid attention to are the kids and your wife - not the carpet! 

  

By the way - your children do not witness your loving wife neglecting her home - what they see is the love in her eyes when she takes the time to read to them instead of doing the dishes! Wouldn't you rather your children know real love, instead of equating love with chores? I can remember my Mom saying that if I REALLY loved her I would keep my room tidy - how silly!  She should have known that my untidiness had nothing to do with the depth of my love for her...do you want Kelly to think that the only way to earn your love is to CLEAN?? If so you are more ignorant than you seem. 

Grant-- 

You are obviously an intelligent fellow.  Why can't you see that the broken spirit you are causing in your wife IS the broken window!!!  She has been abandoned emotionally.  Just like theives enter the unoccupied home, some outsider is going to see your neglected wife, and seize the opportunity to show her that she is worthy of appreciation!  She is beautiful, articulate, affectionate, and, from what I can see, does a fine job running the household.  You are typical of the controlling, angry male who ends up causing irreparable harm to his family, either emotionally or physically.  Your wife HAS to be the most patient woman in the world.   

I agree with what you have said, that it is the little things, the details and consistencies,  that add sweetness and caring and security to life.  And there is validity to the idea that a stay-at-home parent is a professional, and as such can fully engage in that profession with a determination to perform to the best of his or her abilities.   

  

I think you have missed something, though.  I believe that your wife and most wives and mothers (regardless of how successful we might seem in the tasks of mothering or housekeeping), don't approach that role solely as a job to be done, but as an expression of our hearts, and because of that our success can't be measured only in task completion.   

  

It is abusive when one mate puts themselves as the arbiter of how successful the other is at fulfilling the their role; as though performance review were the equivalent of distribution of work negotiation,and as if that were there right.  That wife or stay-at-home dad isn't self-employed, but neither is he/she an employee.  What they have is a partnership.  If one individual takes only the managerial role, and sacrifices the partnership aspect, he might as well be loading a pick-up truck full of rocks ready to take aim.  And if he withholds the benefits of partnership until such time as the other measures up or reaches that marker of success, then it's too late, the rocks have been cast and the damage done. 

  

Look in your wife's eyes (not just you, but any husband). Aren't there some broken windows there which might have a much more devastating effect than the external functional ones you seem to be so fixated on?  If you neglect those windows you will find even greater feelings of abandonment exist in your household than any that could be produced by unfolded laundry or improperly loaded dishwashers. And you will definitely run the risk of invaders if this continues-in the form of other interests or people which further detach your wife from you.   

Kelly appears to be a very loving and engaged mother.  Wouldn't it be wonderful if she were an equally loving and engaged wife. 

  

You say that children are at risk if their physical environment is chaotic.  OK.  But children absorb their emotional environment.  What a child sees in their parent's relationship, with that osmosis unique to children, has far reaching consequences for good or for bad.   

  

YOU might try reading that wonderful little poem "Children Learn What They Live" 

The first line is "If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn."  Do you want your children growing up to condemn their mother? 

I first want to say I don't think this should be bash Grant day. That never solves anything. Okay, this is actually a much more complicated issue than what can be seen on one or even two shows. I feel like the majority of responses are criticizing Grant. I do think his expectations are a bit superficial. However, I am not against his methods of sharing a list of ideas for what he thinks of a stay at home wife and mother. Lists are good, maybe you just need to narrow yours down and work on it in sections. Lets see like maybe 10 items of most importance. Is it really important for you and Kelly to learn 3 or more types of dancing? Choose one to work on together, master it  and have FUN while doing it. You two should have a lifetime together, start small don't expect everything at once. Maybe you don't, but I think you guys are starting in the right track. Kelly needs to share her list(which should have her true feelings and desires on it) of husbandly expectations with you and I think the two of you should work on one or two items from each list each week TOGETHER. Get a sitter to watch the kids while you guys show each other what you need instead of harboring insecurity and resentment. Let me share a little about my situation. I am 26 and a happily married, young woman. I work full time, not because I or my husband want it that way, we have certain financial obligations we must fulfill before I can be that stay at home wife and mom.(no kids yet either) My husband repeatedly tells me what a wonderful job I am doing to maintain our home and be the wife he needs, catch--even when I know I can be doing better. Also, he helps with household chores and such. His and my own view on this is once I can stay at home I will do the majority of the household duties. My husband grew up in a home that wasn't very clean and organized-HE hates for us to be that way, therefore he helps where he can. Now, back to this case I am sure there are areas where Kelly can improve, and areas where Grant can help out. If its furniture, show Kelly, where or how you would like it placed, move it yourself. Furniture is heavy. Organizing the pantry, buy some shelf organizers and a little cheap plastic hanger to hang the broom and such on.  There are many ways both of you can and probably need to compromise, after all that's part of what marriage is all about. 

  

PS I think both of you need to shop for new decorations for the kitchen together. Decide on something you BOTH like. I just don't think I have the heart to ask my husband to let me decorate with pink curtains-not even in our bedroom. I believe you have a daughter-they would look lovely in her room. I can see you both really want this marriage to work. God bless and I pray everything works out for you guys. 

True, abandoned homes attract problems. However, there is more than one way to abandon a marriage and you seem to have found one of the most destructive. Further, some of the worst offenders I have seen in this world, came from spotless homes, with parents who were in competition with everything in life and interested and not aware one whit as to what was happening with the children. Not caring how the children read this behavior of yours will have disasterous effects that show up later in life. Too numerous to post here now. If you think that all you have to do is have a perfect house to have a perfect life, you are more lost than I realized. You don't even know why you took off your ring? Even though it is hurtful, mean-spirited and devastating to the woman who is your wife and the mother of your children? Why are you so afraid to look in the mirror? You get confused so you take it out on your wife? Who took it out on you as a child? Better yet, how will your children express their confusion and resentment of your behaviors? Your windows may not be broken, but your house is clearly on fire!

/quote/ There is a theory that exists in the civic government and law enforcement circles that is referred to as Broken Windows. To paraphrase it, a house with broken windows shows that no one cares. If neglected long enough, the house with broken windows will be assumed to be abandoned, invaded by mischief seekers (or worse) and rapidly decay from there. My interpretation of this theory is that attention to details is very important. Not every kid that witnesses his mother neglecting her home will become a drug pusher or a pimp on the south side of town. I think you really extended yourself making that kind of conclusion. But, what does it teach a kid about grooming and personal cleanliness when he or she grows up in a house kept in disarray. Children benefit from routines in their lives - go look it up in a book./unquoute/     Attention to details is important, as an engineer we hope that those bridges you built are built  to spec and strong and  hold up for years to come. we hope our doctors do not leave sponges in our chest when they operate, we hope our dentist take do care when  filling and repairing our teeth, and when  you drive we hope you are not on your cell phones or  putting cd's into your  stereo, and  are not under the influence.  There is nothing wrong with  paying attention to detail.   But  you seem to think one woman can  take care of every single detail 100%  in her home  and still manage to raise  healthy, happy , well adjusted children.  No one and I mean you too, can be  perfect in every aspect of their lives. And as a mother  Kelly's first priority is not a clean house or  well cooked meals. it is that they are safe and cared for, not  left to their own devices while mom  frets over the  ring in the tub or the  basket of unfolded clothes.  If you want a perfectly cleaned house  well  cooked meals  a nicely decorated home then I suggest you hire someone  to either care for your children full time , ie a nanny, or a housekeeper or cook.  When you  have so many varialbe in  your daily routine that can interfer with  what  happens in your  days activities, you cannot expect everything to be  perfect.  If you have to stop at the market to get  take out for dinner some nights so what, so the floors are not vaccumed  today or the bed made, you will not die and if those things matter to you so much  then why don't you make the bed or  put the laundry on to wash before you leave for work?  You have one job and you do it over the space of time, you are not expected to have plans drawn up  for some new project every single day, you   confer with others on the job and  allocate things to be done to others. Yet you seem to think that, that list of 75 things a wife should do  should be  the normal routine for the average woman with children to do. How about you  start m how about you fit in those dance lessons and learn to  cook mexican and   any number of the other things on  your list.  I have been married for  38 years  to the same man, who I am sure being a man of the 50's with a stay at home mother , figured I could be all those things too. But news flash I was not his mother I am not his personal maid or cook I am a person with needs also and desires and dreams and they do not all revolve around  a man, who thinks I am his personal maid cook, babysitter and  dare I say it, sex kitten.   I do not think any child  who grows up  with  a few dishes left in the sink or  their beds unmade or eating a pb%j sandwich for lunch,  or the floor left  unvaccumed for a week . or chairs not aligned  properly turns out to be a freak to society.  I think a child left feeling un loved  or cared about  becuase mom and dad  think living the perfect life is more important then they are  have more issuses to deal with.  The  truth is  you are born you live you die and if you spend your life trying to live to perfection and do not take the time to  find joy and love and laugher  in your life you are  living in a hell that death makes a welcome relief from.