Replies to 'Anorexia'

I am sssooo glad the self is winning. You are so much stronger than the addict! And by the way, what you ate today (or yesterday) was not a lot at all! It was actually probably not even enough! Lol, dont' you just hate how we cannot see everything that everyone else sees, even when it comes to how much we are eating. I feel like I eat like a cow, but then I remind myself that I am on a meal plan and that there is no way a doctor would try and make me fat. I'm so proud of you, Rene. I know I've said that before, but I really REALLY mean it!  

Yesterday went really well actually. My friend and I had a really good time (thanks for asking Sarah!). We had a really good time. She was an absolute skeleton (honest to goodness), but we had fun. It was really nice to have someone who completely understood me. I love that girl so much and know she is going to die soon. It's really sad. I was talking to her about death yesterday and she said that she has given up all hope and is just losing weight to die. I believed her too. She is so sick and has been sick for so long and I feel so much for her, but like we all know when you lose hope there is nothing anyone can do for you. I am just going to be there for her. Be her friend and let her know that she is loved, respected, and understood. I love how we can talk about anything and she understands me and I understand her; it feels really nice to be validated like that. I don't know how much longer she will live; hopefully a long time, but then again I feel selfish for saying that. I don't want her to die in so much pain. I want her to make peace with herself before she goes. That's what I promised myself a long time ago; that I wouldnt' die until I made peace with myself. That promise has gotten me through some incredably tough times where I was really close to ending it.  

Oh, I almost forget, this is for the Sarah who emailed me! I totally replied back to your message like a day after it was sent! Did you check your junk email folder? Because that is where yours originally ended up on mine (stupid computers!). I really hope you read this because I really liked having you email me, it meant a lot to me to know that someone cares. I'll send my original message again........I sure hope you get it this time!  

I'm having a really hard time right now. This whole eating thing is really getting to be hard. Yesterday I had a good therapy session (we talked about God, Rene!), and it was really hard but a good session. I'm just sad. Sad that I don't have that connection with God that we all so desperatly hunger for. I don't know how to go about getting that connection either. I try praying but I still feel really disconnected. I'm still following my meal plan though for the most part. I didnt' have my night time snack yesterday; I really just wasn't in the mood to force food down my throat once again. This message is really long, I hope you all don't mind reading this! 

Julie