Replies to '02/21 More Wifestyles'

Quote From: debranne

I seldom watch Dr. Phil but somehow managed to catch two shows with Grant and Kelly on.  I don't know how many shows they have been on to date.  I could take sides in this but I won't because I don't believe that will help the situation, instead, I choose to share from my heart and 31 years of marriage.   I think everyone has lists of expectations, at least I do and sometimes our expectations are unreasonable.  In 1979 my husband had to take over doing my jobs as a stay-at-home parent because I was hospitalized.  After two weeks he came to me and told me he appreciated the effort I put into the house and family.  He actually created a list of all the jobs I did daily, weekly, and monthly, then he found out what he would have to pay if he hired people to do those jobs.  His total anticipated expenditures (based on his own list) was $70,000.00.  He figured he would have to earn an extra $70,000.00 dollars to hire people to do the work I was doing at home.   I found this interesting especially since he only made about 10,000.00 a year in 1979.  It felt wonderful to know that he realized the effort and work I contributed to the family even tho I was not paid for it.  My husband and I are very responsible, accountable people.  People know they can count on us but even with the level of responsibility and accountability we demonstrate, it is not GOOD ENOUGH for our families.  Our families always find something we fail them in BECAUSE WE ARE NOT DOING SOMETHING THEY WANT US TO DO, OR NOT DOING SOMETHING THE WAY THEY WANT IT DONE.  Perfect is never good enough because when perfection is achieved, then resentment sets in because the person is perfect.  An "A" in school should have been and "A+".  An A+ finally earned is discounted as the teacher "gave you that grade".  I remember what the non-"A' kids called the "A" kids and they said the names out of jealously, and other emotions.  The truth is, there is nothing to expect beyond perfection.  If I really wanted to get philosophical, each human being is already a perfect human being because humans are flawed creatures by virtue of free will.  Too high of expectations achieved leaves those of us with high expectations with a dissatisfied "not good enough" attitude, critical spirits, poorly defined and vaguely specified definition of our expectations leaving those we expect a lot from loosing heart, giving up, feeling despised, and feeling like love and acceptance are only GRANTED if they perform the right dance with all the right steps but never being shown or told what the steps are.   I have high expectations of people and especially of myself.  Sometimes I fall short of my own expectations-then I really get mad.  I can truthfully say this: not all expectations are right or realistic, or reasonable and I know for myself that my anger at not getting what I think I should get or deserve (whether from myself or someone else) sometimes results from unrealistic expectations on my part.   I am not surprised or shocked by Grant and Kelly.  I see "them" ( you two) all the time.  Grant and Kelly, but especially Grant, I hope you learn that it takes both the husband and the wife making positive contributions to make the marriage pleasurable while It only takes one of you making negative contributions to destroy it.