Replies to '08/08 Cheaters'

 Say bye... what's to contemplate?  See my post entiteld "SIMPLE"

LIke a previous poster indicated, to put it quite SIMPLY   leave him.

It is easier for me to be looking in and saying that, I have not been in your shoes.  You will feel what is right when the time is right.   Good luck with everything, keep your daughter in you first thoughts, for she will learn from this.

It's been 13 years since I saw with my own two eyes my husband sleeping with his ex. I stayed with him and we're more in love now then were ever were. I still haven't gotten over it and never will and as a result I cheated on him. But though I haven't forgotten about it I have forgiven him, and he has with me too. I still have times when I lie awake and think about what I could've done that night differently instead of just standing there looking in her window in complete shock with my jaw on the floor...and my heart in a million peices but I try to push that aside and not think about it too much or I get worked up .....instead he and I talk a lot...communication is a big key to success in marriage I believe. Now as far as a gap of how long between cheating? I am not sure how I would react if it happened again now. I do not believe that " once a cheater always a cheater" idea applies to everyone who cheats...those who have done it do so for several different reasons. Though yes it does apply to some of them. If you have the evidence in front of you though you need to ask yourself what you need to do for you. What is best for you and your daughter . If counseling didn't work the first time you could always try it again but why didn't you finish? What is both of you or him? Maybe individual counseling would work better for all over you and then transition into group therapy? Maybe speaking to if you are religious someone at church would help. Or to a close friend. Or as a therapist advised me once...write him a letter...get all your hurt, anger and emotions out on paper....and you never ever have to give it to him. Burn it, tear it up, bury it, lock it away, throw it in a river whatever....it's up to you but I find that writing helps me if I can't talk to him for some reason. He may never get over his denial but you can only work on yourself and your daughter. You need to take care of you before you can take care of her. And thosee are the most important things in your life especially if he has become abusive in anyway. Best of luck with all you do in your life!!

I just went through a divorce a year ago and I am still seeing a counselor.  I married this man when I was only 19 and I am now 30, so you can imagine.  This man was my whole life.  About a year and a half ago, he changed.  He then decided after being upset about my son taking a playstation controller over to a friends house (which I found as no big deal) that he needed to have a discussion with me in the bedroom.  He told me that he felt that he needed to leave and take a break for a week.  He would be back the next weekend.  That was on the first Friday of November.  That Monday at work he called me and told me that he told his family that we were separated, after we discussed not telling anybody about him just taking a break for a week.  That's when everything started spiraling downhill.  I looked back at things.  I had accused him of cheating on me with a co-worker that last summer.  He didn't even deny it when I questioned him, he didn't say anything.  He had also explained to me that her husband had also accused them of having an affair.  I put it off thinking that there is no way my husband would do this to me.  (we discussed others who had cheated and how horrible that is).  Then in the month of October he was gone most of the month on business trips in her area.  He was sleeping in the same hotel has her and also taking her out to supper every night.  Then it was to the point where he even planned one of those trips on the night of my birthday.  I knew deep down that he was cheating, but still did not want to admit it.  There was a lot of other things that had happened also, but I was still willing to make it work and did everything in my power to show him that I could be this perfect wife that he was wanting.  Anyway, now to my point.  My counselor told me that he would have left anyway.  He was cheating (he showed every classic sign in the book, even though to this day he still won't admit it and they are now living together).  He was mentally abusive to me, telling me that everything was my fault.  The reason he felt the way he did (I didn't make him feel like a man) whatever that meant.  He pretty much made me feel that I was lower than low.  Now I know it is all because he didn't want to feel any guilt.  To this day he still won't admit that he was cheating on me with her, but her divorce was final 3 months before ours was and he has now moved to a different state to live with her. 

  

I just want you to realize that this is not your problem.  This is his.  I am still going through missing my marriage, but I do not miss him.  I am a stronger person from this and a much better mom.  I have a lot more patience now that I am not dealing with all of the stress and abuse that he caused.  Do know that it takes time, counseling and a lot of friends and family to get you through this, but it can be done. 

I am sorry for all the insensitive messages you have been receiving on this matter. Women can be so thoughtless sometimes. You are hurt and in pain. So my advice for you in to keep your chin up and I guess just try to be the best mother and women you can be. Tell yourself when you feel down on yourself that it's not your fault. You can do this lady! You are a woman and nothing can keep you down!

It's not that he MAY be cheating, he IS cheating.  He gives you NOTHING on Valentines Day, but buys another woman an expensive dinner.  And he may have travelled with her.  You found the "I Love You" heart on it, which he either gave to her or she gave to him.  And on top of all that, he's verbally abusive.  It takes a good year or two of intense work with a therapist for an abuser to stop abusing & even then the odds are slim.  And that's w/o the added problem of chronic infidelity.  His efforts to work on himself were half-hearted. 

  

I don't mean to appear insensitive, but hon, THIS IS A NO-BRAINER!  Since you asked for advice, I'll give it:  Leave your abuser & this sham of a relationship immediately.  Then go into counseling to rebuilt your lost self esteem.  Set a good example to your daughter of leaving someone who treats us this way. 

  

The "nice" guy you married is not the real him.  That's the ACT he put on to hook you.  THIS is the real him:  a man who cheats & verbally abuses you.  He is no prize.  You are mourning the loss of the dream of what you THOUGHT you had.     

I wish I knew how to help you. Stay in counselling and know this:  he may never tell you why.  Does it matter why?  He did it.  You cannot take blame for his affairs.  If the two of you had problems he should have turned to you, not someone else. 

 I feel for you as I am in the same boat.  I cried when I read your story.  My husband and I have almost 20 years together, married for only 9 though. I found out about his affairs accidentally when I was six months pregnant with our fourth child.  I should have listened to my inner voice years ago that told me something was wrong.  I chose to turn a blind eye because I agreed to marry him finally.  Big Mistake!! My husband has similar behaviors to yours plus some.  He is verbally abusive, too, and I believe he blames me for his affair.  (Mind you his abuse has become worse since I confronted him). I found cassette tapes of my phone conversations that he made from bugging the home phone (seven years worth), a box for a mini spy cam, etc... I think he was paranoid that I would find out so he did this.  I also think he still does this to find out what I am going to do next.  I wish he would pack up , leave and never look back.  I asked him to and I told him I want a divorce.  He says, "I will never give you a divorce" and I will get over it. 

 My story is long and his last affair still continues and began when he met her at work seven years ago.  She has told others how she is going to "take my place".    She is nothing but a tramp and she has broken up one marriage so far (one of my husband's coworker's). 

My baby is young yet and I am not ready to deal with the husband.  I believe I am still in shock over all of this.  Right now I need to devote my time to my children.  Somehow I need to find the strength to move on.  I know it will be VERY hard and I want ot be fair to the baby and give to him now. 

  

  

Are you still staying with friends, or are you back under the same roof as your husband? 

My advice to you is to continue counceling on your own. If he won't go, thats his loss- however, YOU could really benefit from the guidance of a professional who has heard this same story many times, so that you can move forward and enjoy a happy and healthy life. You deserve that! You don't deserve to hang around and wait for your husband to decide what he will do with your life- enough of that, he doesn't deserve that power. I wish you the best!! 

Hopefully by now you are on the road to good emotional health. It is unlikely your husband just changed after the birth of your child. The odds are he was this person (with lack of control and poor morals) long before he even met you. People don't wake up one morning and decide to be a loser. It's usually a part of who they are. They manage it for years (sometimes) and then they give in to temptation. As the good doctor always says, "Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior." You are in love with the idea of who you THOUGHT he was when  you  married him. You are not in love with the man who's a selfish, mean coward who puts you and your children last. Get couseling for yourself so you will not allow yourself to be duped and dumped on again. God bless you. I wish you the best.