Replies to '08/08 Cheaters'

I wish I could say my husband doesn't care about our daughter. He is in over-compensation mode. She told me that she thinks he's gone way over the top in being "so mushy." She finds it false because she doesn't see anything being lavished on me. I agree that to be faithful in a relationship, you have to put the emphasis on the other person. However, I think that's incredibly difficult in a person with low self-esteem when they can never get enough love because they're so empty of love of themselves. My husband seems to be borderline in this respect, veering from self-doubt to being confident in himself. The only thing he seems to have decided now is that the best way to deal with his negative feelings about me is to withdraw, live his life separately in the spare bedroom, wait until "I" change, then decide to get closer. He says this situation happened because I withdrew from him for years and his resentment shows. It's my responsibility to say I did and with the proviso that his stresssed out anger caused me to be fearful and go out to work in order to escape his anger that was targeted right at me. There is a gulf of misinterpretation on both our parts and I don't know how to breach it, especially since he refuses any more counselling. The last time we went, he felt the counsellor was being hard on him, trying to get at his shortcomings only. (Might it be - because he chose to cheat??! Duh!) Anyway, I'm reading Dr. Phil's book, "Life Strategies" and doing a lot of hard self-examination. Maybe my position will change and I'll recover the me that was lost in the aftermath of my husband's infidelities.

They completely understand! its not a lack of love or respect or self control for someone else.. its because they cant stand themselves. Its the only way to make themselves feel better.

I wanted my husband to make me feel good. I asked for things to make us both happier. I told him that I needed him to be there for me, but he would still come home and sit in his chair, waiting on dinner to be served to him. The kids would run around him and all he would do is yell at them to be quiet. I didn't want to find someone else. It did just happen. The oater person played with my kids, made me laugh, listened to me, and for a while he actually lived in our home. He helped me cook, clean, and take care of things. Yes I betrayed my husband, and he betrayed a friend, but I was not setting out for it to happen. I got lucky I guess that he forgave me. I hurt both men in my acts, and yes for a while I was thinking only about myself and wants, but that is not what it started out as. I am sorry that you were hurt. I hope you have been able to find someone that loves you for what you have to offer, and thinks that cheating is an awful thing as well. I know I don't want to go through that again...if I ever feel that way again, I will leave first. It may hurt him, but it would be the better thing to do.