Replies to '08/08 Cheaters'

First of all...the children should never be a part of or involved in the infidelity...so there shouldn't be any thoughts of setting an example of the fact that infidelity is wrong.  Secondly, situations aren't always so "cut and dry"...nothing in life is...and until it enters your world with all of the reasons for it...you realize that there is not a "cut and dry" answer.  And...for the record...not all people who cheat are bad people...sometimes they are just misguided by insecurities and vulnerability. 

I believe what you say is true *IF* you are not in love with the person! There is no reason to work on a bad relationship. But when you are married, in love, etc its much more complicated.  

I am pretty much in Arianna's position except we were not married when all this stuff happened and we have no kids. Otherwise we are the same. I just found all this out after 4 months of marriage. I am completely devastated! But the difference between quitting the relationship like you said, and sticking around like I am, is LOVE.  

There are sooo many reasons people cheat and sooo many different situations inside the relationship that you cannot blanket statement them at all. Do a bit of research online and you will find, as I did, many many sites on repairing after an affair, and how many couples get back together, make their relationship better than ever (since they can recognize and eliminate the issues that caused the problem in the first place) and have happy lives afterwards. 

You really cannot say you have to leave every cheating relationship until you have been there (like I am) and looked into the cheater's eyes and still felt so much love, and that you cannot live without them, in the midst of sooo much hurt and pain. Yes its a long road back, yes it's a lot of work, and yes the cheater HAS TO BE TRULY SORRY AND TRULY CHANGE, but its not hopeless.  

As far as children go however, they should never even KNOW about infidelity in the relationship! "For the sake of the children" is BS because if the relationship is bad, they benefit nothing, and that is just the parts that they see out in the open. Children do not need to be traumatized by adult problems. You would not tell your kids about your "good" sex life, why tell them about the "bad"??? 

I agree with your assessment to a point.  I discovered email trails and many phone calls via cell phone and my caller i.d. suggesting that a "friend" was pretty important to my husband.  I felt the vibes about a year and a half ago.  I confronted it, after a lot of heated exchanges, he has denied that there's anything more than a friendship.   I kept trying to step up to the plate... I kept trying to pray and love him through whatever was going on. 

But, as time went on, he became more defiant...changed his cell phone number, continued to allow her to call my home and not acknowledge me, started telling more lies/or withholding information on other matters.  He also has been pushing me away emotionally and sexually for a while.  Because he was considerably older, I thought there was some problems there... and there are a few, but when I suggested going to a doctor he's never interested.  And, he DEFINITELY won't agree to counseling. 

So, fast foward and I just told him tonight that I want a divorce.  He's still trying to justify his behavior and still says that counseling wasn't the answer and still says that he didn't go outside of the marriage and I should prove that he did. 

I don't have the time to play his little games.  I just know that he's been distant for a long time and no matter what I've suggested, he has been unwilling.  He didn't put a stop to the woman calling my home for months on end; he didn't apologize for getting into this trap and he's never said he was interested in working things out with me.  So, I take it that the mssage is clear... he's NOT interested in me. 

Funny, I found out after a couple of years of marriage that there were a couple of additional wives he never mentioned.  I probably should have taken off running then!  Instead of my being #3, I'm 5!  And of course, I heard it again tonight, "I've never gotten a divorce; they all left me!" 

So, I definitely need to find my voice again and surround myself with those good friends who've always been there.  Got to love yourself first!!!