Replies to '03/02 Our Biggest Battle'

The computer can be very addicting and sounds like this man is there and I certainly would not marry the guy. You have to speak up now and remmeber, that we teach people how to treat us. before myhusband and I were married we were going through a little bit of a hard time, I eventually looked at hima nd told him that I loved hima nd I wanted nothing more but to spend the rest of my life with him as his wife but if he couldn't set me as a high priority on his list then I wanted nothing to do with marying him and told himt hat I did not want to see him til he figured out what he wanted in life and how he was going to fit me into life if this is what he wanted, he had to make some decissions. Lucky for me, he realized that I wasn't gonna be second best to him and that he needed to include me in his life more then what he was doing. I wasn't about to marry some one who wasn't even sure what his future goals were. it actually changed his life and the good thing is we did get married and he is an awesome husband and father. Chances are if he is treating you like this now, he will continue to treat you like this right along with your children. There has to be compromises and trust and security in a marriage. Don't do anything that you have doubts about, you will only be setting your self up for failure.

 I have been with my man for 16 yrs. We have two children, it will not get better. I am at a loss. All his free time is spent with Video Games. The children are lucky to get an hour a week with him, and me, well, there is none. My advice to you is either to bare with it, but  do not have kids, unless he  realizes all on his own about his addiction and what it is costing him and you, but my experience tells me different. He feels as long as he's not spending his time in a bar or out catting around, he should be able to do as he chooses, no harm done, he's at home. I worked it out  and kept track of all his hours in one month, it was almost three hundred. When it was brought up to him, he could not believe that I actually wrote down his hours, he was more angry at that, and his cousin , which is another problem , couldnt believe it either. He goes over to his house at least once a week to play with him, for at least 6 hours, and if his brother is in town, then it's more. I have made my bed and now I have to lie in it, but I say to you, do not have children, becasue it is not fair to them, noone likes to be aware of the fact that their Father would rather play video games, or with strangers online , than with them. Believe me it's a very hard cross to bare. It's also heartbreaking to watch and to live.

It sounds to me like you know in your heart what is right.  Please remember its your life too, and you dont have to accept the feeling of being left out. Thats not a good relationship.  Sounds to me, like he has ALOT of growing up to do, especially if thats how he spends the majority of his free time. Don't you want more for yourself and your children(someday)? He is showing you what makes him happy. It's up to you, to see it. Good Luck and Dont Settle!  Its ok to be alone too!

 Actually, I've seen this problem a lot with gamer-nongamer couples.   For me that's one of the reasons I only date guys that are gamers (computer, video, table top, CCG, LARP), because it's something that is a HUGE part of my life and I need a partner that can enjoy it with me.   In my case I mostly do everything but CCGs and my boyfriend does mostly CCGs and video/computer games.  The thing is though I don't ever remember either of us totally ignoring each other when we are involved in this stuff.

Also being a gamer does not mean you have to be neglectful to your children.  I'm friends with two couples that are gamer couples and both of them bring their children to the games with them.  Most of us are really cool about people bringing their children along, or playing at a house that has children.  My friends are VERY attentive to their children.   In fact most of the people I game with are also attentive to the children.   The downside is the children can be subjected to som pretty harsh language, but we try to keep it clean if they are in the room. 

Some gamers game EVRYNIGHT 4-10 hours, some only on the weekends.    Usually the ones that have children or non-gamer spouses limit it to 1-2 nights a week.

My suggestion to you is to express your concerns again, letting him know that since you are not there 24/7 you would really like to have his full attention for a few hours.   Suggest doing something you might both enjoy doing together.  I don't think that you would be unreasonable to do that. 

This is a lifestyle choice for him, so I think you need to decide whether you could be married to him or not.  I think if you put your thoughts and concerns out there and come up with a solution BEFORE you get married , for example having 1-2 nights a week where YOU have your own activities to do, which leaves him to his games.  I think you really should find something that intersts you BOTH to do together, and you need a hobby that gets you busy for a few hours one of two  nights a week.  I think that will really help you feel better about this.