Message Boards
Replies to '08/08 Cheaters'
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February 28, 2006, 5:12 pm PST
 Quote From: skimom4 Hi all-
I'm new to the boards. I've been married for 17 years; have 2 sons who are the loves of my life. Once I had my sons, my husband seemed to stop being attracted to me; although he still seems interested in fulfilling his needs regularly (wow, this is so honest!). I'm an attractive woman, in early 40's - I work out; am a size 6/8 (depending upon the week); and a business woman in a larger metro city.
In all of my years of marriage; I have never been remotely attracted to anyone; when approached by a man; it just doesn't "happen" for me - I think of my family; my children; and usually, I just have the "I'm Married" wall all around me.
In fact, I was always VERY quick to judge my friends who did this......
......until December.
After a work meeting at a restaurant; I lingered for a moment after the meeting was over; just wanted a few moments to myself where I wasn't "giving" to my job; my home; my family; my husband. It was selfish, but just needed a minute to think. I was about to pay the bill & leave, when a man asked if he could sit at my table. Again in all my years of marriage I have never allowed this......until this night.
He had a brilliant smile; was very interesting looking; and I said ok. He is 15 years older than me. And married.......
Bad move.
So, just 2 months ago, I had this "affair of the heart". He's married. I'm married. I have a husband who has become like my brother; and 2 children who would never forgive me. I got out of this relationship VERY quickly, but my heart is still there. Am I "once a cheater always a cheater"??? I don't know. But what I do know now, is that I certainly am not coming from the judgement seat any more. I am in counseling, and I feel so badly that I cannot tell my husband this. Being honest with myself; I love how the "guy" made me feel. I had lost myself in the day to day life of motherhood; corporate world; pta meetings, and appeasing my husband on nights he is "ready to go"......
Did I know it was a problem? Deep inside, yes, but I figured it would pass as time went on, and my husband & I would find each other again. But it didn't hit me until this guy held my hand that night, then leaned in to kiss me. And I let him kiss me. My husband would be sooooo hurt. I feel so terribly. I thought part of me had died - the part that "felt" these things. Truly, and I thought it was normal that this just dies when you have children. But I learned that night it didn't.
I haven't told my husband, or anyone until now about this, except my new therapist (and now all of you). I miss the way this "guy" made me feel; but I know he is not someone I want to be with. I'm scared by my feelings; but in every way, feel that I am just as selfish & guilty.
I don't know what to do. I'm hoping the show on Wednesday will help....... I will be at work, but will check the website that night to see what happened.
Sorry to enter the boards on such a disruptive note; but I'm certain I'm not alone in my feelings; and I really don't know what to do.....
I guess for me, the bottom line is that in my entire life; I lived in judgement of others who did exactly what I did that night. Now I'm the one being "judged". I'm deeply humbled, my heart is a bit broken, and now I feel that I have this deep dark secret in there that my mind won't forget.
Thanks for e-listening. I'm open to your thoughts-
I also recently ended a relationship with a married man, although I believe mine might have gone a little farther than yours. I am 32, also married ( have been for 13 years) and have 3 children. This was the first time I had developed such a relationship, and it lasted for about 4 months. To complicate matters, his wife is a friend of mine and our children and families in general are close friends.
I only wanted to say that the feeling of broken-heartedness is very real in my case too. BUT IT GETS EASIER! Time is the only thing that helps. It has been two months since we had any intimate involvement, although I see him and talk to him several times a week.
The attention and gratification of someone finding you attractive is so tempting! I understand! We didn't get "caught" but ended our relationship reluctantly before both of our families were destroyed.
GOOD LUCK AND GIVE IT TIME!
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March 1, 2006, 3:30 am PST
Quote From: skimom4 Hi all-
I'm new to the boards. I've been married for 17 years; have 2 sons who are the loves of my life. Once I had my sons, my husband seemed to stop being attracted to me; although he still seems interested in fulfilling his needs regularly (wow, this is so honest!). I'm an attractive woman, in early 40's - I work out; am a size 6/8 (depending upon the week); and a business woman in a larger metro city.
In all of my years of marriage; I have never been remotely attracted to anyone; when approached by a man; it just doesn't "happen" for me - I think of my family; my children; and usually, I just have the "I'm Married" wall all around me.
In fact, I was always VERY quick to judge my friends who did this......
......until December.
After a work meeting at a restaurant; I lingered for a moment after the meeting was over; just wanted a few moments to myself where I wasn't "giving" to my job; my home; my family; my husband. It was selfish, but just needed a minute to think. I was about to pay the bill & leave, when a man asked if he could sit at my table. Again in all my years of marriage I have never allowed this......until this night.
He had a brilliant smile; was very interesting looking; and I said ok. He is 15 years older than me. And married.......
Bad move.
So, just 2 months ago, I had this "affair of the heart". He's married. I'm married. I have a husband who has become like my brother; and 2 children who would never forgive me. I got out of this relationship VERY quickly, but my heart is still there. Am I "once a cheater always a cheater"??? I don't know. But what I do know now, is that I certainly am not coming from the judgement seat any more. I am in counseling, and I feel so badly that I cannot tell my husband this. Being honest with myself; I love how the "guy" made me feel. I had lost myself in the day to day life of motherhood; corporate world; pta meetings, and appeasing my husband on nights he is "ready to go"......
Did I know it was a problem? Deep inside, yes, but I figured it would pass as time went on, and my husband & I would find each other again. But it didn't hit me until this guy held my hand that night, then leaned in to kiss me. And I let him kiss me. My husband would be sooooo hurt. I feel so terribly. I thought part of me had died - the part that "felt" these things. Truly, and I thought it was normal that this just dies when you have children. But I learned that night it didn't.
I haven't told my husband, or anyone until now about this, except my new therapist (and now all of you). I miss the way this "guy" made me feel; but I know he is not someone I want to be with. I'm scared by my feelings; but in every way, feel that I am just as selfish & guilty.
I don't know what to do. I'm hoping the show on Wednesday will help....... I will be at work, but will check the website that night to see what happened.
Sorry to enter the boards on such a disruptive note; but I'm certain I'm not alone in my feelings; and I really don't know what to do.....
I guess for me, the bottom line is that in my entire life; I lived in judgement of others who did exactly what I did that night. Now I'm the one being "judged". I'm deeply humbled, my heart is a bit broken, and now I feel that I have this deep dark secret in there that my mind won't forget.
Thanks for e-listening. I'm open to your thoughts-
It sounds like you're more in love with the feeling you got from this other guy as opposed to actually loving him. The caveat to that is that if you continue to seek this feeling outside of your marriage, you'll never be able to fully appreciate it because it will always be coupled with guilt and heartache, which will always outweigh the "good" feeling.
Sounds like you need to re-connect with yourself as a person, and re-connect with your husband as a person as well. But remember, everyone can easily get caught up in the "day to day" cycle, but you and your husband both have a responsibility to occasionally call a time out to plug back in to the marriage.
It's good that you are in counseling to work through this...but remember that cheating is a concious choice, not something that we just "let" happen. This being the case, you may indeed have to one day face the reality that your husband may or may not leave if he finds out, and he will have the right to do so. You owe it to yourself, your husband, and your children to figure out what was missing within yourself that caused you to do this, then it is your responsibility to address it.
PS: I learned long ago to never pass judgement on anyone, because if I did I would inevitably find myself in a similar situation! This is karma at work, believe me....life's way of teaching us lessons. It's your job to learn the life lesson in this so you don't make future choices that lead to unhappiness. Good luck! |
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March 1, 2006, 3:34 am PST
Quote From: skimom4 Hi all-
I'm new to the boards. I've been married for 17 years; have 2 sons who are the loves of my life. Once I had my sons, my husband seemed to stop being attracted to me; although he still seems interested in fulfilling his needs regularly (wow, this is so honest!). I'm an attractive woman, in early 40's - I work out; am a size 6/8 (depending upon the week); and a business woman in a larger metro city.
In all of my years of marriage; I have never been remotely attracted to anyone; when approached by a man; it just doesn't "happen" for me - I think of my family; my children; and usually, I just have the "I'm Married" wall all around me.
In fact, I was always VERY quick to judge my friends who did this......
......until December.
After a work meeting at a restaurant; I lingered for a moment after the meeting was over; just wanted a few moments to myself where I wasn't "giving" to my job; my home; my family; my husband. It was selfish, but just needed a minute to think. I was about to pay the bill & leave, when a man asked if he could sit at my table. Again in all my years of marriage I have never allowed this......until this night.
He had a brilliant smile; was very interesting looking; and I said ok. He is 15 years older than me. And married.......
Bad move.
So, just 2 months ago, I had this "affair of the heart". He's married. I'm married. I have a husband who has become like my brother; and 2 children who would never forgive me. I got out of this relationship VERY quickly, but my heart is still there. Am I "once a cheater always a cheater"??? I don't know. But what I do know now, is that I certainly am not coming from the judgement seat any more. I am in counseling, and I feel so badly that I cannot tell my husband this. Being honest with myself; I love how the "guy" made me feel. I had lost myself in the day to day life of motherhood; corporate world; pta meetings, and appeasing my husband on nights he is "ready to go"......
Did I know it was a problem? Deep inside, yes, but I figured it would pass as time went on, and my husband & I would find each other again. But it didn't hit me until this guy held my hand that night, then leaned in to kiss me. And I let him kiss me. My husband would be sooooo hurt. I feel so terribly. I thought part of me had died - the part that "felt" these things. Truly, and I thought it was normal that this just dies when you have children. But I learned that night it didn't.
I haven't told my husband, or anyone until now about this, except my new therapist (and now all of you). I miss the way this "guy" made me feel; but I know he is not someone I want to be with. I'm scared by my feelings; but in every way, feel that I am just as selfish & guilty.
I don't know what to do. I'm hoping the show on Wednesday will help....... I will be at work, but will check the website that night to see what happened.
Sorry to enter the boards on such a disruptive note; but I'm certain I'm not alone in my feelings; and I really don't know what to do.....
I guess for me, the bottom line is that in my entire life; I lived in judgement of others who did exactly what I did that night. Now I'm the one being "judged". I'm deeply humbled, my heart is a bit broken, and now I feel that I have this deep dark secret in there that my mind won't forget.
Thanks for e-listening. I'm open to your thoughts-
Hi,
I am new to the board also. Your message touched me very deeply, as it could have been written mostly about my husband. I recently found out about his "affair of the heart". That's why I am on the boards. To try and understand this process I never thought I would go through. I hope it is his midlife crisis. We should be celebrating our 25th anniversary this month, and I can handle the sex part, it is the emotional connection, the talking on the phone for 60 hours a month. I wish you well on your journey through this, as I am finding it a very scary and tough process.
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March 1, 2006, 2:51 pm PST
Quote From: skimom4 Hi all-
I'm new to the boards. I've been married for 17 years; have 2 sons who are the loves of my life. Once I had my sons, my husband seemed to stop being attracted to me; although he still seems interested in fulfilling his needs regularly (wow, this is so honest!). I'm an attractive woman, in early 40's - I work out; am a size 6/8 (depending upon the week); and a business woman in a larger metro city.
In all of my years of marriage; I have never been remotely attracted to anyone; when approached by a man; it just doesn't "happen" for me - I think of my family; my children; and usually, I just have the "I'm Married" wall all around me.
In fact, I was always VERY quick to judge my friends who did this......
......until December.
After a work meeting at a restaurant; I lingered for a moment after the meeting was over; just wanted a few moments to myself where I wasn't "giving" to my job; my home; my family; my husband. It was selfish, but just needed a minute to think. I was about to pay the bill & leave, when a man asked if he could sit at my table. Again in all my years of marriage I have never allowed this......until this night.
He had a brilliant smile; was very interesting looking; and I said ok. He is 15 years older than me. And married.......
Bad move.
So, just 2 months ago, I had this "affair of the heart". He's married. I'm married. I have a husband who has become like my brother; and 2 children who would never forgive me. I got out of this relationship VERY quickly, but my heart is still there. Am I "once a cheater always a cheater"??? I don't know. But what I do know now, is that I certainly am not coming from the judgement seat any more. I am in counseling, and I feel so badly that I cannot tell my husband this. Being honest with myself; I love how the "guy" made me feel. I had lost myself in the day to day life of motherhood; corporate world; pta meetings, and appeasing my husband on nights he is "ready to go"......
Did I know it was a problem? Deep inside, yes, but I figured it would pass as time went on, and my husband & I would find each other again. But it didn't hit me until this guy held my hand that night, then leaned in to kiss me. And I let him kiss me. My husband would be sooooo hurt. I feel so terribly. I thought part of me had died - the part that "felt" these things. Truly, and I thought it was normal that this just dies when you have children. But I learned that night it didn't.
I haven't told my husband, or anyone until now about this, except my new therapist (and now all of you). I miss the way this "guy" made me feel; but I know he is not someone I want to be with. I'm scared by my feelings; but in every way, feel that I am just as selfish & guilty.
I don't know what to do. I'm hoping the show on Wednesday will help....... I will be at work, but will check the website that night to see what happened.
Sorry to enter the boards on such a disruptive note; but I'm certain I'm not alone in my feelings; and I really don't know what to do.....
I guess for me, the bottom line is that in my entire life; I lived in judgement of others who did exactly what I did that night. Now I'm the one being "judged". I'm deeply humbled, my heart is a bit broken, and now I feel that I have this deep dark secret in there that my mind won't forget.
Thanks for e-listening. I'm open to your thoughts-
You realize that you said:
"I've been married for 17 years; have 2 sons who are the loves of my life. Once I had my sons, my husband seemed to stop being attracted to me..."
Do you think your husband sensed that he was no longer the love of your life? Seriously. I hear my friends say all the time that their kids are the loves of their lives. Where does this leave the husbands?
Also, should we keep men out of the delivery room? Has it changed things? I've been wondering about this for awhile... |
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March 1, 2006, 3:34 pm PST
Quote From: skimom4 Hi all-
I'm new to the boards. I've been married for 17 years; have 2 sons who are the loves of my life. Once I had my sons, my husband seemed to stop being attracted to me; although he still seems interested in fulfilling his needs regularly (wow, this is so honest!). I'm an attractive woman, in early 40's - I work out; am a size 6/8 (depending upon the week); and a business woman in a larger metro city.
In all of my years of marriage; I have never been remotely attracted to anyone; when approached by a man; it just doesn't "happen" for me - I think of my family; my children; and usually, I just have the "I'm Married" wall all around me.
In fact, I was always VERY quick to judge my friends who did this......
......until December.
After a work meeting at a restaurant; I lingered for a moment after the meeting was over; just wanted a few moments to myself where I wasn't "giving" to my job; my home; my family; my husband. It was selfish, but just needed a minute to think. I was about to pay the bill & leave, when a man asked if he could sit at my table. Again in all my years of marriage I have never allowed this......until this night.
He had a brilliant smile; was very interesting looking; and I said ok. He is 15 years older than me. And married.......
Bad move.
So, just 2 months ago, I had this "affair of the heart". He's married. I'm married. I have a husband who has become like my brother; and 2 children who would never forgive me. I got out of this relationship VERY quickly, but my heart is still there. Am I "once a cheater always a cheater"??? I don't know. But what I do know now, is that I certainly am not coming from the judgement seat any more. I am in counseling, and I feel so badly that I cannot tell my husband this. Being honest with myself; I love how the "guy" made me feel. I had lost myself in the day to day life of motherhood; corporate world; pta meetings, and appeasing my husband on nights he is "ready to go"......
Did I know it was a problem? Deep inside, yes, but I figured it would pass as time went on, and my husband & I would find each other again. But it didn't hit me until this guy held my hand that night, then leaned in to kiss me. And I let him kiss me. My husband would be sooooo hurt. I feel so terribly. I thought part of me had died - the part that "felt" these things. Truly, and I thought it was normal that this just dies when you have children. But I learned that night it didn't.
I haven't told my husband, or anyone until now about this, except my new therapist (and now all of you). I miss the way this "guy" made me feel; but I know he is not someone I want to be with. I'm scared by my feelings; but in every way, feel that I am just as selfish & guilty.
I don't know what to do. I'm hoping the show on Wednesday will help....... I will be at work, but will check the website that night to see what happened.
Sorry to enter the boards on such a disruptive note; but I'm certain I'm not alone in my feelings; and I really don't know what to do.....
I guess for me, the bottom line is that in my entire life; I lived in judgement of others who did exactly what I did that night. Now I'm the one being "judged". I'm deeply humbled, my heart is a bit broken, and now I feel that I have this deep dark secret in there that my mind won't forget.
Thanks for e-listening. I'm open to your thoughts-
Sometimes it just helps to hear those words. I wrote yesterday about what I went through with my husbands affair. I can also relate to what you wrote. While I was trying to get past what my husband had done I met someone who made me feel the way you are describing. I was so down on myself and feeling betrayed and "not good enough". Then along came this person who made me feel alive, sexy, interesting and worthwhile. I maintained a friendship with this man for a while and enjoyed how he made me feel. It took a while but I learned that the way he made me feel was the way I wanted my husband to make me feel. I have ended the friendship ( make no mistake ...it was just a friendship) because I know that I need to work on these feelings myself and with him. I knew he would not be comfortable with my being friends with this person and wanted to respect his feelings. I am working on the relationship and have told him many times how I feel and what I need from him. But I often wonder how long I an supposed to wait for him to try and work on "us". He thinks what I want is unrealistic but I now know that I can feel this way and it is not an easy feeling to forget. I think you need to forgive yourself first because you too were drawn into an emotion you no longer believed you could feel. I don't think telling your husband would do any good other than to releave your conscience and it would just hurt him. If you want your relationship to work you need to let him know what you need from him so that if someone else comes along who makes you "feel ' again you will be able to smile and know that your husband can do that for you and go home to him. |
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March 1, 2006, 5:23 pm PST
Quote From: skimom4 Hi all-
I'm new to the boards. I've been married for 17 years; have 2 sons who are the loves of my life. Once I had my sons, my husband seemed to stop being attracted to me; although he still seems interested in fulfilling his needs regularly (wow, this is so honest!). I'm an attractive woman, in early 40's - I work out; am a size 6/8 (depending upon the week); and a business woman in a larger metro city.
In all of my years of marriage; I have never been remotely attracted to anyone; when approached by a man; it just doesn't "happen" for me - I think of my family; my children; and usually, I just have the "I'm Married" wall all around me.
In fact, I was always VERY quick to judge my friends who did this......
......until December.
After a work meeting at a restaurant; I lingered for a moment after the meeting was over; just wanted a few moments to myself where I wasn't "giving" to my job; my home; my family; my husband. It was selfish, but just needed a minute to think. I was about to pay the bill & leave, when a man asked if he could sit at my table. Again in all my years of marriage I have never allowed this......until this night.
He had a brilliant smile; was very interesting looking; and I said ok. He is 15 years older than me. And married.......
Bad move.
So, just 2 months ago, I had this "affair of the heart". He's married. I'm married. I have a husband who has become like my brother; and 2 children who would never forgive me. I got out of this relationship VERY quickly, but my heart is still there. Am I "once a cheater always a cheater"??? I don't know. But what I do know now, is that I certainly am not coming from the judgement seat any more. I am in counseling, and I feel so badly that I cannot tell my husband this. Being honest with myself; I love how the "guy" made me feel. I had lost myself in the day to day life of motherhood; corporate world; pta meetings, and appeasing my husband on nights he is "ready to go"......
Did I know it was a problem? Deep inside, yes, but I figured it would pass as time went on, and my husband & I would find each other again. But it didn't hit me until this guy held my hand that night, then leaned in to kiss me. And I let him kiss me. My husband would be sooooo hurt. I feel so terribly. I thought part of me had died - the part that "felt" these things. Truly, and I thought it was normal that this just dies when you have children. But I learned that night it didn't.
I haven't told my husband, or anyone until now about this, except my new therapist (and now all of you). I miss the way this "guy" made me feel; but I know he is not someone I want to be with. I'm scared by my feelings; but in every way, feel that I am just as selfish & guilty.
I don't know what to do. I'm hoping the show on Wednesday will help....... I will be at work, but will check the website that night to see what happened.
Sorry to enter the boards on such a disruptive note; but I'm certain I'm not alone in my feelings; and I really don't know what to do.....
I guess for me, the bottom line is that in my entire life; I lived in judgement of others who did exactly what I did that night. Now I'm the one being "judged". I'm deeply humbled, my heart is a bit broken, and now I feel that I have this deep dark secret in there that my mind won't forget.
Thanks for e-listening. I'm open to your thoughts-
My husband confessed his affair 7 years ago.....they met on a business trip and continued to plan company classes and seminars together in Chicago over several years. By the time he confessed, he had stopped all comunication with his lover. He is actually a pretty nice person, like you, and I honestly believe if he would have realized the amount of hurt his affair would cause, he never would have done it. It is so unfair to your mate...you start comparing your spouse with the affair partner and of course the lover always looks so much better. If there is any comparing to be done, you should compare this guy with what your husband was like when you first met him and everything was new and exciting. My husband was so unplugged with me and his children during his affair...things I could never get him to do with me he did eagerly with his lover. He took her to the theatre, shopping, and fancy restaurants while i sat at home eating mac and cheese with the kids. My husband read your letter so I asked him what might have influenced him to make better choices....he said, first of all, avoid situations where you may be tempted and then invest that time and attention to the family who deserves it. Tell your husband what you want, give him a chance to fill your needs. And most of all, try to imagine the effect this would have on your family. I noticed that you attempted to take responsibility for your actions but at the same time you stressed all the things your husband was not doing for you, as if to justify it. There simply is no justification. Doesn't mean your a horrible person but affairs are selfish and decietful acts. Who knows? Maybe he is having one as well. My advice...don't tell him..men are less forgiving. But make it up to him and yourself. All of this doesn't even take into account the other guys wife, what if she finds out and tries to kill herself...I almost did. Could you live with that? |
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March 1, 2006, 10:21 pm PST
Quote From: skimom4 Hi all-
I'm new to the boards. I've been married for 17 years; have 2 sons who are the loves of my life. Once I had my sons, my husband seemed to stop being attracted to me; although he still seems interested in fulfilling his needs regularly (wow, this is so honest!). I'm an attractive woman, in early 40's - I work out; am a size 6/8 (depending upon the week); and a business woman in a larger metro city.
In all of my years of marriage; I have never been remotely attracted to anyone; when approached by a man; it just doesn't "happen" for me - I think of my family; my children; and usually, I just have the "I'm Married" wall all around me.
In fact, I was always VERY quick to judge my friends who did this......
......until December.
After a work meeting at a restaurant; I lingered for a moment after the meeting was over; just wanted a few moments to myself where I wasn't "giving" to my job; my home; my family; my husband. It was selfish, but just needed a minute to think. I was about to pay the bill & leave, when a man asked if he could sit at my table. Again in all my years of marriage I have never allowed this......until this night.
He had a brilliant smile; was very interesting looking; and I said ok. He is 15 years older than me. And married.......
Bad move.
So, just 2 months ago, I had this "affair of the heart". He's married. I'm married. I have a husband who has become like my brother; and 2 children who would never forgive me. I got out of this relationship VERY quickly, but my heart is still there. Am I "once a cheater always a cheater"??? I don't know. But what I do know now, is that I certainly am not coming from the judgement seat any more. I am in counseling, and I feel so badly that I cannot tell my husband this. Being honest with myself; I love how the "guy" made me feel. I had lost myself in the day to day life of motherhood; corporate world; pta meetings, and appeasing my husband on nights he is "ready to go"......
Did I know it was a problem? Deep inside, yes, but I figured it would pass as time went on, and my husband & I would find each other again. But it didn't hit me until this guy held my hand that night, then leaned in to kiss me. And I let him kiss me. My husband would be sooooo hurt. I feel so terribly. I thought part of me had died - the part that "felt" these things. Truly, and I thought it was normal that this just dies when you have children. But I learned that night it didn't.
I haven't told my husband, or anyone until now about this, except my new therapist (and now all of you). I miss the way this "guy" made me feel; but I know he is not someone I want to be with. I'm scared by my feelings; but in every way, feel that I am just as selfish & guilty.
I don't know what to do. I'm hoping the show on Wednesday will help....... I will be at work, but will check the website that night to see what happened.
Sorry to enter the boards on such a disruptive note; but I'm certain I'm not alone in my feelings; and I really don't know what to do.....
I guess for me, the bottom line is that in my entire life; I lived in judgement of others who did exactly what I did that night. Now I'm the one being "judged". I'm deeply humbled, my heart is a bit broken, and now I feel that I have this deep dark secret in there that my mind won't forget.
Thanks for e-listening. I'm open to your thoughts-
I have been married for three and a half years and about a year into our marriage I was in school in a very intement classroom setting do to the type of schooling I was going through. One of the other students made me "feel" like I didn't know I could. He complimented me, paid attention to me, and made that "feeling" come alive. I ended it before it ever got physical...but the emotional did enough to know that I will never do that again. The heartbroken look on my husbands face and the way I felt after he found out was horrible. Now we are better than we have ever been. We both ask for what we want, both in the bed room and out. As far as the emotional affiar....it takes time to get over and the confidance in yourself to know what you want and ask for it. |
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March 1, 2006, 11:50 pm PST
Quote From: skimom4 Hi all-
I'm new to the boards. I've been married for 17 years; have 2 sons who are the loves of my life. Once I had my sons, my husband seemed to stop being attracted to me; although he still seems interested in fulfilling his needs regularly (wow, this is so honest!). I'm an attractive woman, in early 40's - I work out; am a size 6/8 (depending upon the week); and a business woman in a larger metro city.
In all of my years of marriage; I have never been remotely attracted to anyone; when approached by a man; it just doesn't "happen" for me - I think of my family; my children; and usually, I just have the "I'm Married" wall all around me.
In fact, I was always VERY quick to judge my friends who did this......
......until December.
After a work meeting at a restaurant; I lingered for a moment after the meeting was over; just wanted a few moments to myself where I wasn't "giving" to my job; my home; my family; my husband. It was selfish, but just needed a minute to think. I was about to pay the bill & leave, when a man asked if he could sit at my table. Again in all my years of marriage I have never allowed this......until this night.
He had a brilliant smile; was very interesting looking; and I said ok. He is 15 years older than me. And married.......
Bad move.
So, just 2 months ago, I had this "affair of the heart". He's married. I'm married. I have a husband who has become like my brother; and 2 children who would never forgive me. I got out of this relationship VERY quickly, but my heart is still there. Am I "once a cheater always a cheater"??? I don't know. But what I do know now, is that I certainly am not coming from the judgement seat any more. I am in counseling, and I feel so badly that I cannot tell my husband this. Being honest with myself; I love how the "guy" made me feel. I had lost myself in the day to day life of motherhood; corporate world; pta meetings, and appeasing my husband on nights he is "ready to go"......
Did I know it was a problem? Deep inside, yes, but I figured it would pass as time went on, and my husband & I would find each other again. But it didn't hit me until this guy held my hand that night, then leaned in to kiss me. And I let him kiss me. My husband would be sooooo hurt. I feel so terribly. I thought part of me had died - the part that "felt" these things. Truly, and I thought it was normal that this just dies when you have children. But I learned that night it didn't.
I haven't told my husband, or anyone until now about this, except my new therapist (and now all of you). I miss the way this "guy" made me feel; but I know he is not someone I want to be with. I'm scared by my feelings; but in every way, feel that I am just as selfish & guilty.
I don't know what to do. I'm hoping the show on Wednesday will help....... I will be at work, but will check the website that night to see what happened.
Sorry to enter the boards on such a disruptive note; but I'm certain I'm not alone in my feelings; and I really don't know what to do.....
I guess for me, the bottom line is that in my entire life; I lived in judgement of others who did exactly what I did that night. Now I'm the one being "judged". I'm deeply humbled, my heart is a bit broken, and now I feel that I have this deep dark secret in there that my mind won't forget.
Thanks for e-listening. I'm open to your thoughts-
I too, am in the same situation as you. I have only been married for eight (9) years and I did cheat on my husband. Not intentionally. I know that sounds stupid, but I kept telling myself no, no, no, and then quess what, it happened. Up until that night, I also judged people who cheated and always told everyone that I would never cheat. Well now that it has happened, I feel differently towards those people. You never know what will happen until it happens. You can have the right intentions, but it only takes one little thing to make those intentions go the wrong way. It was basically just a one night stand. But the fact is, that I did cheat and now I feel horrible about what I did. I feel guilty and I can not even look at my husband without feeling badly. I too have not told him about what happened. I know that it would break his heart and I could not bear to do that. You all may be saying that I already did break his heart by cheating on him. Well that is true, but I feel that this cheating episode has brought me closer to my feelings for my husband, and that it has also taught me a lesson. A lesson well learned. I am now debating on if I should come clean and tell him. |
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March 2, 2006, 5:38 am PST
Quote From: skimom4 Hi all-
I'm new to the boards. I've been married for 17 years; have 2 sons who are the loves of my life. Once I had my sons, my husband seemed to stop being attracted to me; although he still seems interested in fulfilling his needs regularly (wow, this is so honest!). I'm an attractive woman, in early 40's - I work out; am a size 6/8 (depending upon the week); and a business woman in a larger metro city.
In all of my years of marriage; I have never been remotely attracted to anyone; when approached by a man; it just doesn't "happen" for me - I think of my family; my children; and usually, I just have the "I'm Married" wall all around me.
In fact, I was always VERY quick to judge my friends who did this......
......until December.
After a work meeting at a restaurant; I lingered for a moment after the meeting was over; just wanted a few moments to myself where I wasn't "giving" to my job; my home; my family; my husband. It was selfish, but just needed a minute to think. I was about to pay the bill & leave, when a man asked if he could sit at my table. Again in all my years of marriage I have never allowed this......until this night.
He had a brilliant smile; was very interesting looking; and I said ok. He is 15 years older than me. And married.......
Bad move.
So, just 2 months ago, I had this "affair of the heart". He's married. I'm married. I have a husband who has become like my brother; and 2 children who would never forgive me. I got out of this relationship VERY quickly, but my heart is still there. Am I "once a cheater always a cheater"??? I don't know. But what I do know now, is that I certainly am not coming from the judgement seat any more. I am in counseling, and I feel so badly that I cannot tell my husband this. Being honest with myself; I love how the "guy" made me feel. I had lost myself in the day to day life of motherhood; corporate world; pta meetings, and appeasing my husband on nights he is "ready to go"......
Did I know it was a problem? Deep inside, yes, but I figured it would pass as time went on, and my husband & I would find each other again. But it didn't hit me until this guy held my hand that night, then leaned in to kiss me. And I let him kiss me. My husband would be sooooo hurt. I feel so terribly. I thought part of me had died - the part that "felt" these things. Truly, and I thought it was normal that this just dies when you have children. But I learned that night it didn't.
I haven't told my husband, or anyone until now about this, except my new therapist (and now all of you). I miss the way this "guy" made me feel; but I know he is not someone I want to be with. I'm scared by my feelings; but in every way, feel that I am just as selfish & guilty.
I don't know what to do. I'm hoping the show on Wednesday will help....... I will be at work, but will check the website that night to see what happened.
Sorry to enter the boards on such a disruptive note; but I'm certain I'm not alone in my feelings; and I really don't know what to do.....
I guess for me, the bottom line is that in my entire life; I lived in judgement of others who did exactly what I did that night. Now I'm the one being "judged". I'm deeply humbled, my heart is a bit broken, and now I feel that I have this deep dark secret in there that my mind won't forget.
Thanks for e-listening. I'm open to your thoughts-
For God sake , STOP AND THINK!!! As someone who is speaking from experience by having a husband of 35 years cheat on me, and eventually leave me to marry his whore, DO NOT PURSUE THIS! It will rip the heart and soul from your husband and family. Not only will you be doing this to your immediate family, but to all extended family and to your friends. We do not exist in a vacuum. What we do affects many others, like a stone thrown in a pond... the ripples extend forever. Don't you understand...it doesn't matter what you supposedly "feel" for this guy. They are not true feelings, no matter how real they seem. They are feelings based on newness and excitment...the forbidden. Your ego is being stroked. You think you've still "got it". Adults don't make decisions based on just feelings. As the famous philosopher Edith Prickley once said, "everyone's in touch with their feelings...no one's in touch with their brains". If you do this you will have lost your integrity. People will not trust you. They will change their opinions of you. A lifetime of being a good, decent respected person can be thrown away for a moments pleasure. You must stop ALL contact with this guy and turn your complete focus to your husband. You are not a stupid, gullible 13 year old girl who thinks that she has found her "soulmate" just because she has hot pants for some guy. And please don't even try to say it's not about sex and feel good feelings...that it is something deeper. That's crap!! Just because it makes you "feel" good does not give you the right to destroy peoples live. Do not become a whore for a few nice feelings. Don't sell yourself for so little. I also think that if you decide to continue therapy and completely reject this horrendous act of committing adultery, DO NOT tell your husband. Even though you have not proceeded very far with this, he will never forget it...and possibly never forgive it. Do not attempt to allay your gult by being "honest" with him. To what end? To completely destroy his trust in you? To make him wonder forever if this has happened before? To make him think that your whole marriage is a lie? Instead, decide you will live by your morals no matter how you feel. Shift your focus, put yourself completely into your life and home, not some fantasy lover. Believe me when I say this, this is the worst thing that one spouse can do to another. In my books it is unforgivable. And you will be judged, as you should be. Do not be a person who destroys others lives just so you can "feel good'. Having morals doesn't really count for very much, until you face temptation. That is when you find out if you have the right stuff. It's easy to say you take the high road if there is never an opportunity to CHOOSE. Please CHOOSE the high road. Read these boards. They are filled with pain and unbelievable heartbreak and destruction because one spouse has made a stupid, stupid decision that affects the lives of others. Don't do that to your family. Find your decency again. Good luck. |
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March 3, 2006, 6:42 pm PST
Quote From: skimom4 Hi all-
I'm new to the boards. I've been married for 17 years; have 2 sons who are the loves of my life. Once I had my sons, my husband seemed to stop being attracted to me; although he still seems interested in fulfilling his needs regularly (wow, this is so honest!). I'm an attractive woman, in early 40's - I work out; am a size 6/8 (depending upon the week); and a business woman in a larger metro city.
In all of my years of marriage; I have never been remotely attracted to anyone; when approached by a man; it just doesn't "happen" for me - I think of my family; my children; and usually, I just have the "I'm Married" wall all around me.
In fact, I was always VERY quick to judge my friends who did this......
......until December.
After a work meeting at a restaurant; I lingered for a moment after the meeting was over; just wanted a few moments to myself where I wasn't "giving" to my job; my home; my family; my husband. It was selfish, but just needed a minute to think. I was about to pay the bill & leave, when a man asked if he could sit at my table. Again in all my years of marriage I have never allowed this......until this night.
He had a brilliant smile; was very interesting looking; and I said ok. He is 15 years older than me. And married.......
Bad move.
So, just 2 months ago, I had this "affair of the heart". He's married. I'm married. I have a husband who has become like my brother; and 2 children who would never forgive me. I got out of this relationship VERY quickly, but my heart is still there. Am I "once a cheater always a cheater"??? I don't know. But what I do know now, is that I certainly am not coming from the judgement seat any more. I am in counseling, and I feel so badly that I cannot tell my husband this. Being honest with myself; I love how the "guy" made me feel. I had lost myself in the day to day life of motherhood; corporate world; pta meetings, and appeasing my husband on nights he is "ready to go"......
Did I know it was a problem? Deep inside, yes, but I figured it would pass as time went on, and my husband & I would find each other again. But it didn't hit me until this guy held my hand that night, then leaned in to kiss me. And I let him kiss me. My husband would be sooooo hurt. I feel so terribly. I thought part of me had died - the part that "felt" these things. Truly, and I thought it was normal that this just dies when you have children. But I learned that night it didn't.
I haven't told my husband, or anyone until now about this, except my new therapist (and now all of you). I miss the way this "guy" made me feel; but I know he is not someone I want to be with. I'm scared by my feelings; but in every way, feel that I am just as selfish & guilty.
I don't know what to do. I'm hoping the show on Wednesday will help....... I will be at work, but will check the website that night to see what happened.
Sorry to enter the boards on such a disruptive note; but I'm certain I'm not alone in my feelings; and I really don't know what to do.....
I guess for me, the bottom line is that in my entire life; I lived in judgement of others who did exactly what I did that night. Now I'm the one being "judged". I'm deeply humbled, my heart is a bit broken, and now I feel that I have this deep dark secret in there that my mind won't forget.
Thanks for e-listening. I'm open to your thoughts-
Of all the letters I have read, this letter has bothered me the most. I just cannot understand what makes people turn to someone else before going to their spouse, if they sense something is wrong or might need fixing. You said that you have been married for 17 years. I'm sure you dated before you married? You both should be well aquainted by now. You should have been able to approach him and tell him how you felt. You both have seen each other at the top of your game and also at the bottom. To think that this feeling that something was wrong would pass, is like having a flat tire, telling no one, and expecting it to be repaired by morning! sic You have stated that your sons are the love of your life and you love the way the "other guy" makes you feel, but nowhere did I read that you loved your husband, only that he is like your brother, which is why maybe you couldn't talk it over., I don't know. Let's talk about the other "guy". He is older, 15 years or so, which would make him my age. Kind of late in life to have your first "affair of the heart", or was it? Do you think that maybe you were not the first? You have also said he is not someone you want to be with, but you still have urges to text-message him. I'm confused! You may have only known him a short time, but you know a few personality traits that he posseses. He is decietful,a liar and a cheat. Who in thier right mind would want to be with him? Believe me, I am not trying to belittle you. I know it is very easy to sit back after the fact and point out the reasons this should not have happened, but it also good infomation to be used so this does not happen again. I have been married almost 35 years. I (we) have four grown children and two grandchildren. That does't make me an expert, but I do know that what I have is far better than anything that I could find in a situation that causes everybody involved, so much pain and suffering. I am truly hoping that you find the courage you need to get through this rough patch. You are not a bad person, just a person who made a bad mistake. Wether or not you tell your husband, only you know how this will affect him, is up to you. If I was him, I would not want to know. I wish you luck and may the rest of your life be filled with love and happiness! |
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