Replies to '02/22 Wedding Wars'

Hello! 

Why are you "allowing" this to happen to you?  And, don't tell Kim to think long & hard.  She has already spent 5 years with her guy.  The guy's mother, however, had quite a few characteristics in common (that I saw on TV) with the mother-in-law on today's (2/28) show. 

From my observation, "something" is going on between mother & son, although it may not  immediately translate into something that can be described by either for many years.  "Mama's boy" is very common, it seems.  And, the poor guys don't know it until something hits the fan.  Kim kept touching her guy, while his mother mouthed things against Kim, like "not a Christian" (whatever)  & really denegrated her.  Mom does not want her 33 year-old son to marry this gal.  Or, for that matter, ANY gal!  Mom will use religion, race, "suitability", attitude -- whatever will put down the Other Woman in her son's life. I can only pray that Sonny sees this for what it is -- obsession -- & will do what he can to protect the woman he loves (hopefully, you). 

When I was in my early 20's, I was engaged to a guy who was going through college (2 years' difference in age), & his mother did NOT like me, although she acted pleased to see me when we visited, etc.  You get the picture.  However, when Sonny Boy was home & he called me to see how I was, etc., she would find an excuse to come into the room he was in & interrupt & start to tell him something, completely butting into our conversation & she'd insist that Sonny come with her because she had to show him something.  For awhile, I tolerated it that he would put down the phone, at his mother's wishes, & go off to see what she wanted (hoping it would be short), but after 5-6 times I waited for him to pick up the phone again AFTER A 1/2 HOUR!!!!!, I knew what was going on.  So, I started to give him 10 minutes, & then I would hang up.  Wouldn't you?  But when he called me back, FURIOUS  that I HAD HUNG UP ON HIM!!!!!, I would tell him the amount of time I spent waiting for him to pick up the phone again, & I said I was not waiting any more than 10 minutes from here on in.  Mumsy was winning this.  Hands down. 

I didn't marry him.  Thank God!!! 

By the way, all the other mothers of my respective boyfriends thought I was just peachy keen, even if marriage maybe was in the offing, & with some mothers, we even stayed in contact after "boyfriend du jour" & I parted company.  Imagine going over to your ex-boyfriend's parents for a Friday dinner every so often & his Mom would make my favorate dish?!!!  And this would be months after we broke up!  I think because when Sonny was going out with me, I got along so well with his family that we would go over to Mom's for Sunday Dinner every couple of weeks & she would see her son more than usual -- because of me!   This was true of all my other boyfriends after the Toxic/Jealous Mother I had to endure for a couple of years.  Ladies, if you're not getting along with your mother-in-law (either new or of a couple of years' standing), something needs to be changed.  And, your guy has to be made aware of the problem & he DOES have to step up to the plate to talk to his mother (NOT your job!) to sort things out.  And, yes, "pretending" does go on -- if Mom is a schemer, she'll befriend you to learn your weaknesses.  You have to figure it out.  

I didn't like either mother on the show.  I've had experience with lying mothers & people who "twisted" things to their advantage & who played the martyr card.  Be careful.  Just get away from them.  Period. 

Regards to all, 

J     

Hi! 

I read your story & feel for you.  The saying about being able to pick your friends, as opposed to your family, is very true.  You husband's mom sounds damaging -- how could you "let her down" re grandkids?  Tell her to produce/grow her own!  I know this may sound harsh, but it seems that his family has been intolerably cruel to him.  Why even visit with them?  They're toxic!  Stop with the birthdays (except for maybe brother & new wife -- you should all celebrate separately, without parents).  I don't quite understand why parents do this to their kids -- & then they wonder why Sonny isn't calling them every time they jerk his chain!  I think a pre-ordered birthday present from a catalog sent direct to his Mom should take care of things.  She'll be pissed, but hey, you didn't set up this scenario!  2 visits a year should suffice.  And, if she is being unpleasant, why don't you treat her with the UTMOST civility & don't listen to her complaints/nagging/barbs.  Agree with everything & keep smiling -- 'cause you're gonna get outta there sooner or later, & she has to live with herself.  You don't. 

Let me tell you a story -- I was working as a Wall St. secretary for a guy who was younger than I, but seemed to be on the "fast track" in his company.  I suffered a bad leg injury because I did a personal favor for him, & though I kept coming to work in spite of my pain (ripped tendons & ligaments on the inside left leg), he found every excuse to be cross with me & to put me down.  He was a jerk.  So, after awhile of this nonsense, I wrote up my letter of resignation & gave it to him.  At first, he was glad I was leaving, but then requested my presence in his office.  I sat down in the chair & listened to him.  He came out with some pretty unkind stuff & some threats, but -- & here's the rub, so to speak -- I just kept my mouth shut & smiled & smiled.  Whatever he said, I just smiled & kept quiet.  This started to freak him out -- he got nervous, because I wasn't responding to his barbs, & I looked cool & composed.  Drove him up the wall!!!  I wasn't rude, hurt, or anything.  Just kept smiling.  I knew I was getting a better bargain being away from him.  Silence can be most effective in certain situations. Well!  I left the office right after that, but he ran down after me & said he didn't mean what he said, etc.  I just smiled & walked off to the subway.  The next business day, I called the home office of this company & talked to a high-level secretary I had become "phone buddies" with.  She was appalled, pulled out this disgusting slanderous memo he wrote about me, & this gal reported it to Human Resources & let them know her own opinion of me (which was a good one!).  I then proceeded to leave my phone off the hook during working hours for the next 3 days.  As soon as the phone was free, after those 3 days, I IMMEDIATELY got a call from the boys at the top & I told them just what exactly was going on in the NY office.  Well, I got a decent severance, & the former "golden haired boy" had to answer for quite a bit to his superiors.  Guess what happened to his formerly "fast-track" ambitions?  

So, the trick is to treat these unpleasant people with amazing grace & humor & manners.  They won't be able to cut you down -- you're not doing anything improper.  (Of course, you may want to shower & brush your teeth when you get home to feel clean again.)  And, with luck, you'll make them very uncomfortable.  If "Mom" hands you a gift on the way out (!!!), don't take it.  Say you "really can't accept it" (with no reason given)  & clear out fast!  Her jaw will probably drop to the floor, she'll be left holding the grudgingly-given "present" & you'll be free!  Try it.  It will annoy the hell out of her.  Schedule vacations around "family" get-togethers -- it's all paid for, & you simply HAVE to go!  Couldn't re-schedule your reservations, etc.  And, keep a sense of humor about everything.  Yeah, it can be tough, but if you & your husband cuddle up on the coach & manage to laugh at these things, you'll really be ahead of the game.  

All the best of luck.  Maybe you & your husband should take dancing lessons, or join a gym together or something.  Or take long walks, holding hands.   

Regards, 

Corajane