Replies to '02/21 More Wifestyles'

This is primarily to Kelly. I hope you read the boards. After watching the show I had to find a way to tell you how much I related to your story. I felt the strangest feeling while watching the show. I was answering Dr. Phil's questions as if he was speaking directly to me. My experience so closely mimicks your own. It was bizarre on one hand, and on the other hand a relief to know that I'm not crazy. I have been married 12 years. I will tell you that my husband and I recently decided to separate because he can't shake the feeling of not being happy and needs to see if there is more to life than what we have. I was of course distraught at first, but have come to realize that this really is his problem (not that I profess to be perfect), much like this is Grant's problem not yours! In my situation, I tried so hard to be the perfect wife to the point that I felt like I didn't know who I was anymore. I felt like I was doing all the work to improve and he was just barking out the orders. I was willing to put forth that kind of effort because my relationship is worth it. It still is. But I came to a harsh realization that no matter how hard I try, it will always fall short of the mark. I want him to accept me the way I am, and until he can do that, no amount of work I put into this marriage will ever be enough. Honestly, I feel bad for people like Grant and my husband. It must be very aggravating to constantly go through life disappointed all the time. My husband has high expectations for just about anybody in his life. I think it has to do a lot with how he was raised, as his father had similar expectations for him - and he fell short too.  I tell you all this, because I hope you will read this and feel a sense that I truly know what you are going through. You are fortunate that Grant is willing to acknowledge his problem and put forth the effort to change. My husband hasn't come to that point yet. I believe he will; I just hope it will not be too late. Sadly, since we've decided to separate, a huge burden has been lifted from me and I find myself much more relaxed even though he does not move out until next month. And yet, I would keep giving it my full effort if he would say he was willing to do the same. I am hopeful that our separation will be a new beginning for us and not the end. By the way, I applaud you for maintaining your composure when the girl in the audience gave her perspective on the situation. You handled that with such class and dignity. It literally hurt my stomach to hear her speak. She just doesn't quite get it yet. I guarantee I have put more effort into this marriage than most people would be willing to do, and I expect you feel the same. I am curious if things have improved for you since the show. As I listened to Dr. Phil's advice, although I understood what he meant, I didn't feel like my husband would quite understand what he meant (although I am going to have him watch the show since I taped it). I would love to hear from you and talk to you more. It is always nice to have someone who understands what you are going through. I would allow the Dr. Phil folks to give you my email address if you would like to talk further. Meanwhile, keep taking the high road! I wish you two the very best .  

This is primarily to Kelly. I hope you read the boards. After watching the show I had to find a way to tell you how much I related to your story. I felt the strangest feeling while watching the show. I was answering Dr. Phil's questions as if he was speaking directly to me. My experience so closely mimicks your own. It was bizarre on one hand, and on the other hand a relief to know that I'm not crazy. I have been married 12 years. I will tell you that my husband and I recently decided to separate because he can't shake the feeling of not being happy and needs to see if there is more to life than what we have. I was of course distraught at first, but have come to realize that this really is his problem (not that I profess to be perfect), much like this is Grant's problem not yours! In my situation, I tried so hard to be the perfect wife to the point that I felt like I didn't know who I was anymore. I felt like I was doing all the work to improve and he was just barking out the orders. I was willing to put forth that kind of effort because my relationship is worth it. It still is. But I came to a harsh realization that no matter how hard I try, it will always fall short of the mark. I want him to accept me the way I am, and until he can do that, no amount of work I put into this marriage will ever be enough. Honestly, I feel bad for people like Grant and my husband. It must be very aggravating to constantly go through life disappointed all the time. My husband has high expectations for just about anybody in his life. I think it has to do a lot with how he was raised, as his father had similar expectations for him - and he fell short too.  I tell you all this, because I hope you will read this and feel a sense that I truly know what you are going through. You are fortunate that Grant is willing to acknowledge his problem and put forth the effort to change. My husband hasn't come to that point yet. I believe he will; I just hope it will not be too late. Sadly, since we've decided to separate, a huge burden has been lifted from me and I find myself much more relaxed even though he does not move out until next month. And yet, I would keep giving it my full effort if he would say he was willing to do the same. I am hopeful that our separation will be a new beginning for us and not the end. By the way, I applaud you for maintaining your composure when the girl in the audience gave her perspective on the situation. You handled that with such class and dignity. It literally hurt my stomach to hear her speak. She just doesn't quite get it yet. I guarantee I have put more effort into this marriage than most people would be willing to do, and I expect you feel the same. I am curious if things have improved for you since the show. As I listened to Dr. Phil's advice, although I understood what he meant, I didn't feel like my husband would quite understand what he meant (although I am going to have him watch the show since I taped it). I would love to hear from you and talk to you more. It is always nice to have someone who understands what you are going through. I would allow the Dr. Phil folks to give you my email address if you would like to talk further. Meanwhile, keep taking the high road! I wish you two the very best .