Replies to '08/08 Cheaters'

This past August, I too, discovered proof of my suspicion that my husband was involved with another woman. I confronted him about it and things went downhill from there. I found he had kept in touch with approximately 20 women during the 2 years we had been together and that he had discussed many intimate things with these women...including things that were and weren't going on in our bedroom. His younger sister then informed me that he had kissed a friend of hers at a party...he confirmed this was true, but said he was drunk. So it was okay? After voluntarily disconnecting his cell phone, I found that he had really only changed the number and was keeping the phone a secret. I confronted him about this by leaving him a message...he was shocked. He also ended up admitting to having slept with 4 other women just after we were married and prior to the birth of our daughter. Well, he then said he made that up, but that's a little sick if you consider the details he shared of the encounters. On top of that, a trustworthy girlfriend of mine saw him holding hands with a much younger girl outside of his office one night...he admitted to this as well...infront of his father. His parents have been floored by the whole situation, as have my family and friends. He told his father that he held the girls hand becuase he wanted to, but that there was nothing going on between them. Now, by the time most of this was coming to light, I had already found out I was pregnant with our 2nd child. I took our daughter and spent a little more than a month living with his parents throughout this ordeal and finally moved across country to be with my parents and to have our 2nd child while we figured things out.  

What is there to figure out? That's what I ask now. My husband is in counseling and has admitted he is wrong. He has not, however, apologized for his actions. He has not made himself accountable for his actions in the ways I told him I would need him to and he is more self-absorbed than ever. His counselor has told him that he is arrogant and narcisistic...my husband says the counselor is wrong...I highly doubt it!  

I wish my marriage could be saved, but it is beyond that now. There is only so much a person can take. Dr. Phil has said that you shouldn't invest more than you can afford to lose...my husband is in the military and we will be separated quite a bit. He also doesn't think he needs to prove himself to me or anyone else. As much as I would like to believe he can change, I am not willing to put myself in a situation where I will find myself in the same spot...also from Dr. Phil is that the best way to determine future behavior is to look at past behavior.  

I can understand how much of a struggle it is for you to decide if you should stay or should leave. I would ask that you trust your gut. I had suspicions for many months before I had any proof and had left my job and moved across country with my husband due to his...when I asked if that meant anything to him, he said it was my choice and I didn't have to. I should have realized then, but I loved him and wanted to keep our family together. At the end of the day, I can go to sleep thinking about moving on and starting a new life for me and my children. The thought of returning to my marriage keeps me up for hours. You need to do what's right for you. Just don't ignore what you're are feeling...it got you where you are and you know more than you think you do. Good luck in whatever you choose to do!