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Replies to 'Defining Your Authentic Self'
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August 17, 2005, 2:34 pm PDT
 Quote From: blgspc Well, actually that is a VERY good question. The answer is complicated and involved. It’s about the FAMILY pathology and ENABLING, myself included! The truth is if I hadn’t gone to her she would have resorted to ANY tactics necessary to acquire the attention she was seeking! And, I do mean ANY. Because she don’t stop at the top or the worst scenario imaginable, to most people. It’s kinda like being held hostage. However, with my father there he would have responded whether I did or not. I was the one she was out for. My father has always insisted that my mother be managed in this way. He knows that giving her attention on demand will satisfy her for a period of time. What he consistently misses is that rewarding this wildly inappropriate behavior actually reinforces it! Thus, he/we provide her with a pay off for engaging in such extreme DRAMA. I have spent a great deal of my life trying to help him make different choices but he refuses because he has to be prepared to live with the consequences of denying her attention on demand. Since he has to live with her and is unwilling to do anything that will not produce INSTANT results, I have complied with his wishes. I have done this KNOWING that this is a sure fire way of keeping this the SAME, because my father simply WON’T stand for anything else! The entire extended family share this thinking. They are ALL kind and wonderful, well-intentioned little country people who believe that her ‘condition’ is just far TOO mysterious to be understood. They view her and her situation as ‘pitiful’ and view MY take on her manipulation as just plain ‘mean’ and ‘cruel’! That is why I call this, ‘That Whole Family Mess’! T.W.F.M. ( pronounced as ‘twiffum’.) Thus, EVERY single time I do this there is a part of me screaming at myself saying, “YOU are NUTS!” and “Do YOU KNOW how crazy YOU are?!?!” Yours Very Truly, Brenda - (The NUT poster child for 2005!) I certainly don't think you are a wimp, or a nut. You are a very strong, long suffering daughter who is doing what she feels is right on behalf of her father, who she loves dearly. Your mother's actions are that of a spoiled 2 year old. I don't know what her diagnoses is, or what kind of medications she is on, but it certainly sounds like your dad took the easy road, hoping to keep the peace. If you haven't already, I would have discussions with your father and your sister, in the event you are left to care for your mother. Now is the time to come to terms with what can be expected, and what each of you are willing to do for her. This can be very painful, but can be a wake up call. My husband had a tyrant for a father, and a mother who enabled him and took the heat of most of his ugliness. When my mother-in-law passed away first, the old man first tried to get my sister-in-law to divorce so she could move in and take care of him. When that didn't work, he tried to move in with us. I won't go into the details, suffice to say it was high drama. He saw his children as nothing more than possessions, and it was a huge shock to him when they stood up to him. They had always towed the line for their mother. They halfways made up when he came around to being civil, but he ended his days a lonely bitter old man. I don't know if standing up to him while his mother was still here would have worked for my husband, because she always took the verbal and mental abuse when nobody else was around. The old man didn't need anybody else to lord it over when he had her. But he did finally admit to some of his behavior, and regretted the way he had treated his wife all those years. But it was too late. I don't know if this helps, but if you can have a decent relationship with your mother before it's too late, my husband would tell you to go for it. |
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