Replies to 'Ending Toxic Friendships'

I think a toxic friendship causes more harm then good basically meaning though there might be good qualities in a person, it doesn't neccessarily mean that they are the best of friends to expose your self to. Here is my example. My husband has a friend that he met in college and they became good, best friends. Well, my husband(wasn't at this time) ended up moving in with this guy and his new wife, well it ended up that this couple was not very neat and the friends idea of a wife was basically that her place was in the home and the bed and no where else, they ended up having two children during this time but guess who was more of a father to the kids? It certainly was not this friend. This guy slept all day and played dungeons and dragons throughout the night with friends expecting the wife to take care of the kids, house and the guest, (but of course she had her issues as well, won't go there), Long story short, Ed (now my husband)meets a girl (me) and falls in love with her, and this friend instead of encouraging hom to follow his heart, basically tells him all the negatives about marriage and that he doesn't want to go there, well, thankfully my now hubby was smarter then his friend and went with his gut feeling and we have been happily married for 12 1/2 years with two wonderful little ones. This friend is still in the picture, he doesn't like me, never has but is good about putting on a good front. He is now divorced with four children that neither one has custody of at the moment, he recently got evicted from his apartment and once again has no job, well he needs a place to stay so guess where he is? yep, in my basement, sleeps through the day and plays computer games during the night, thinks I should give him his phone messages while his cell phone is turned off(doesn't happen), tells my hubby that all marriages now days does not last therefore he must get prepared. He has been accused of several things that is not good and not once have I heard him make a call to any of his children. The older two he wanted to put up for adoption when they were babies but for whatever reason did not happen but now, the oldest wants nothing to do with him but he is fighting for custody for the children basically just so his ex doesn't get them (which she doesn't need them either), Hew is staying in my home, though he doesn't like me and has not offered to lend a hand but will leave his pop cans whereever and puts his laundry in with ours thinking I am going to do it( not happening here). There is more but won't go any further. Now, I have been discussing this issue with my husband and letting him know that I do not have a problem with him being his friend and trying to help but there has to be a time when we must say no and to force a person to get out on their own which is something that I am doing , not my husband, I have set an amount of time for him to get his act together and he is out. Like I said at the beginning, though there may be good qualities in a person, it doesn't make them the best of friends. I believe this guy does more harm then good in a friendship. My husabnd has a heart and becasue this was his good friend in college, and they are still friends, he doesn't feel that he can tell him no, that he needs to be there for him no matter whaat. Now, I am a christian and am a very compassionate person, I feel for people and do whatever it takes to help some one to get on their feet or whatever, but I also believe there comes times when a person just has to get off their hineys and step up to the plate and take responsibility for their actions and to keep enabling some one to stay as they are just does not help. A toxic friend is one who doesn't seem to care about any one aound them but htemselves, yes, they might act really cool and friendly but when it comes right down to it, they are not sincere, as far as this friend of hubby's, he would love to see the day that hubby and I divorces and once again he and him can be the best of buddies again and play their little games but thankfully my hubby is a great guy and that day isn't gonna happen. Again, a toxic friendship does more harm then good, I think if this was a good friendship, this guy would treat his friends wife with respect and encourage his friend to do his very best to make his marriage last, He would show gratitude and offer to help, at least clean up after himself. A good friend is some one who you can count on but yet not manipulate and use to get what you want. I respect my husband and admire his faithfulness but as much as I hate to say it, his friend is toxic but for whatever reason, hubby does not see it that way. I don't know if this answers your question or not but I hope I helped some. In all honesty, All of us might be a little toxic as none of us are perfect but I suppose we should be asing our selves something along the lines of "why am I in this friendship or am I giving/receiving what I need to be in this relationship? Do I cause more harm then good in this friendship and what are my motives here? I don't know if any of this makes any sense as I never really gave it much thought til now. Good question though.

I suppose "toxic" could be a fad description.....it depends on who is using it and how. I know that for many, many years I had a close friend who became less and less of a friend and more of a burden, she was totaly toxic, but I let her know why I felt that way. I think it is cruel to just not want to be friends with someone and give no explaination. But on the other hand, what if that person just feels too hurt and/or betrayed by the toxic person, feeling like they can't tell the person the reasons why they are toxic because that person would only deny it anyway? I know I felt that way to a degree before I told my ex-toxic friend why I didn't want to be friends anymore...I knew she would just deny the things I would say, so I did it in a letter, that way she can't interupt me and turn it around to make it my fault, because she was a master at that! 

So anyway, being a toxic person to me would be anything that is not healthy for a friendship, being judgemental, bossy, etc. Its hard to look at our faults, so I commend you for wanting to know what it is that is toxic about you and having the desire to change that.