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Replies to 'Defining Your Authentic Self'
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August 18, 2005, 11:45 am PDT
 Quote From: ritehere I certainly don't think you are a wimp, or a nut. You are a very strong, long suffering daughter who is doing what she feels is right on behalf of her father, who she loves dearly. Your mother's actions are that of a spoiled 2 year old. I don't know what her diagnoses is, or what kind of medications she is on, but it certainly sounds like your dad took the easy road, hoping to keep the peace. If you haven't already, I would have discussions with your father and your sister, in the event you are left to care for your mother. Now is the time to come to terms with what can be expected, and what each of you are willing to do for her. This can be very painful, but can be a wake up call. My husband had a tyrant for a father, and a mother who enabled him and took the heat of most of his ugliness. When my mother-in-law passed away first, the old man first tried to get my sister-in-law to divorce so she could move in and take care of him. When that didn't work, he tried to move in with us. I won't go into the details, suffice to say it was high drama. He saw his children as nothing more than possessions, and it was a huge shock to him when they stood up to him. They had always towed the line for their mother. They halfways made up when he came around to being civil, but he ended his days a lonely bitter old man. I don't know if standing up to him while his mother was still here would have worked for my husband, because she always took the verbal and mental abuse when nobody else was around. The old man didn't need anybody else to lord it over when he had her. But he did finally admit to some of his behavior, and regretted the way he had treated his wife all those years. But it was too late. I don't know if this helps, but if you can have a decent relationship with your mother before it's too late, my husband would tell you to go for it. My mother’s diagnosis was/is Schizophrenia. While she hasn’t been truly psychotic in a long time, she has a bit of residual stuff going on. Her most significant problems right now involve all of the character logical issues. She is very dependent, very histrionic and QUITE NARCISSISTIC!!! As I have probably mentioned before she has been on a neuroleptic that seems to work well for her. This drug , of course, does nothing to aide her in her problems with the other behavioral/character logical stuff. My identical twin is a Master’s prepared Marriage and Family Therapist in San Francisco. She has been at work trying to CONTROL my mother from 3000 miles away. My sister really does want to help but REALLY does live in San Francisco to BE 3000 miles away from our mother! She is unable or unwilling to address her own issues with my mother. Shucks, she is unable or unwilling to own that she ever HAD ANY unresolved issues with Mother! I really do believe that she is still struggling with her life with our mother. I often think that she lacks the objectivity to make serious choices when it comes to Mother. The large extended family is close, they really are very warm, sweet, kind, and compassionate people. Almost everyone in my mother’s side of the family is married to and/or knows everyone on my father’s side of the family. My parent have no other children. I’ve tried almost everything I know to do to aide my father in embracing change when it comes to his enabling of her very maladaptive behaviors and I continue to talk with him about that. It just doesn’t go very far. I think that WAY TOO many of the family see her as ‘emotionally frail’ with little consideration for her ability to be covert, manipulative and disruptive to life as we know it. Though, my mother IS shrewd enough to use her ‘super sweet candy coated’ persona when dealing with ANYONE other than my father, my sister and I. I really don’t like thinking of myself as ‘long suffering’ though I suppose coming here to vent may be a clue that I am just that! Thank you, again, for your wealth of good feedback. All of it is useful and appreciated. I intend to continue to work with my father regarding methods of dealing with my mother. Thanks, Again, Brenda |
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