Replies to 'Depression'

The format of these replies is a bit confusing to me. Thanks for your reply and concern.  My comments about my grandson was based on a couple of things. I was terribly troubled that I could not pick him up, spend the time with him I desired due to the restrictions caused from my neck injury.  The surgery seems to have been a success and I am just waiting to see if I fully recover from the physical symptoms after recovering from surgery. 

The other thing is that as with my kids when they were growing up I was afraid I would not be around to see them grow up.  My grandson is almost 2 years old and we are very close.  What I am up against is the same thing as when my kids were growing up, and until this day.  When the depression sets in it takes over my emotions completly.  I really do not know if one day I will decide that I have had enough and make a split second decision.  It's hard to fight this so many days.  It's hard to explain, but it seems that my emotions are so hurtful, my reaction may be unpredictable.   

Basically I am afraid of my own self some times.  For instance, a few months ago I was severly depressed and was facing a major emotional situation, and without thinking it thru, I was in the barn with a rope and was tying the rope to the rafters, and was not thinking of the end result.  I just knew I was in tremendous emotional pain by reflex was attempting to eliminate the pain.   My son-in-law happened to walk into the barn and I was able to quickly come to my senses and diverted his attention by claiming I was rigging a support for something. 

As I see it right now, there are no answers.   I don't know what may happen, I don't know how much control I actually have when I am that deeply depressed.  It saddens me to think that I could have ended my life and how it could have affected my grandson, and the rest of the family. 

GOD Bless