Replies to '02/22 Wedding Wars'

Hi! 

I read your story & feel for you.  The saying about being able to pick your friends, as opposed to your family, is very true.  You husband's mom sounds damaging -- how could you "let her down" re grandkids?  Tell her to produce/grow her own!  I know this may sound harsh, but it seems that his family has been intolerably cruel to him.  Why even visit with them?  They're toxic!  Stop with the birthdays (except for maybe brother & new wife -- you should all celebrate separately, without parents).  I don't quite understand why parents do this to their kids -- & then they wonder why Sonny isn't calling them every time they jerk his chain!  I think a pre-ordered birthday present from a catalog sent direct to his Mom should take care of things.  She'll be pissed, but hey, you didn't set up this scenario!  2 visits a year should suffice.  And, if she is being unpleasant, why don't you treat her with the UTMOST civility & don't listen to her complaints/nagging/barbs.  Agree with everything & keep smiling -- 'cause you're gonna get outta there sooner or later, & she has to live with herself.  You don't. 

Let me tell you a story -- I was working as a Wall St. secretary for a guy who was younger than I, but seemed to be on the "fast track" in his company.  I suffered a bad leg injury because I did a personal favor for him, & though I kept coming to work in spite of my pain (ripped tendons & ligaments on the inside left leg), he found every excuse to be cross with me & to put me down.  He was a jerk.  So, after awhile of this nonsense, I wrote up my letter of resignation & gave it to him.  At first, he was glad I was leaving, but then requested my presence in his office.  I sat down in the chair & listened to him.  He came out with some pretty unkind stuff & some threats, but -- & here's the rub, so to speak -- I just kept my mouth shut & smiled & smiled.  Whatever he said, I just smiled & kept quiet.  This started to freak him out -- he got nervous, because I wasn't responding to his barbs, & I looked cool & composed.  Drove him up the wall!!!  I wasn't rude, hurt, or anything.  Just kept smiling.  I knew I was getting a better bargain being away from him.  Silence can be most effective in certain situations. Well!  I left the office right after that, but he ran down after me & said he didn't mean what he said, etc.  I just smiled & walked off to the subway.  The next business day, I called the home office of this company & talked to a high-level secretary I had become "phone buddies" with.  She was appalled, pulled out this disgusting slanderous memo he wrote about me, & this gal reported it to Human Resources & let them know her own opinion of me (which was a good one!).  I then proceeded to leave my phone off the hook during working hours for the next 3 days.  As soon as the phone was free, after those 3 days, I IMMEDIATELY got a call from the boys at the top & I told them just what exactly was going on in the NY office.  Well, I got a decent severance, & the former "golden haired boy" had to answer for quite a bit to his superiors.  Guess what happened to his formerly "fast-track" ambitions?  

So, the trick is to treat these unpleasant people with amazing grace & humor & manners.  They won't be able to cut you down -- you're not doing anything improper.  (Of course, you may want to shower & brush your teeth when you get home to feel clean again.)  And, with luck, you'll make them very uncomfortable.  If "Mom" hands you a gift on the way out (!!!), don't take it.  Say you "really can't accept it" (with no reason given)  & clear out fast!  Her jaw will probably drop to the floor, she'll be left holding the grudgingly-given "present" & you'll be free!  Try it.  It will annoy the hell out of her.  Schedule vacations around "family" get-togethers -- it's all paid for, & you simply HAVE to go!  Couldn't re-schedule your reservations, etc.  And, keep a sense of humor about everything.  Yeah, it can be tough, but if you & your husband cuddle up on the coach & manage to laugh at these things, you'll really be ahead of the game.  

All the best of luck.  Maybe you & your husband should take dancing lessons, or join a gym together or something.  Or take long walks, holding hands.   

Regards, 

Corajane