Replies to '08/01 Extreme Highs and Lows'

 I am a mother of five children and in Aug. of 2004 my "husband" had a mental breakdown and was diagnosed bipolar with dillutional disorder. He had a life that I knew nothing about, he had a long lasting affair with two children with the lady, loans and credit cards like crazy and even signed my name to things I knew nithing about. I am still amazed that he was able to turn it on and off like a light switch! I didn't see any signs or warning signals! 

Our life has been ruined! I  stood by him for 17 months of him being in and out of the hospital. He refuses to stay on his medicine and as a result has "two voices" that are two freinds from his past that gave him signs to follow, if he fails then he says they will kill him. When I saw what it was doing to my kids, my 3 year old daughter was crying uncontrolable because she thought someone was going to kill her Dad, along with the fact that his family was becoming emotionally abusive to myself and my kids ( go figure, all of this was my fault and boy did they call me all sorts of names and tried to take my kids from me and cuased me so much extra stress that friends were afraid that I was about to have a breakdown myself! ), adding the fact that he had us so far in trouble that we became homeless, I left town with my children and we are now staying with family! 

Now, I am every bad name in the book and my kids and I are struggeking to get by, I haven't seen a sign of support or help yet his father bought him a home, pays all his bills and gives him money for everything he wants yet my kids are eating penutbutter, wearing old torn clothes and shoes and have lost everything they new in life!   

I am trying to find a job but at 39 and no skills ( I was a stay at home mom ) I can not finding anything and the few jobs that I  were available  don't even pay enough to cover child care........ 

We have searched for help and one thing we have learned for sure is that the mental health profession is seriously lacking! Getting him help is next to impossible! When he is in the hospital it is only for a few days and they don't really help and they dismiss me like I am stupid! We lost our insurance and the shots he was on was 600.00 every two weeks! at this current moment he has been off his medicine for 8 weeks and is spiraling out of control very fast!!! I am afraid of him and his family! He wants to see the kids but is not very stable! The school is even been told because his family has said they will help him kidnap the kids and go into hiding so I will never see them again! 

I live in constant  fear and a state of depression! I use to worry about putting my kids through college and now I worry about just having food to eat and finding someplace to live!!! 

I am out of options and hope! I pray that this show will give me some ideas as to where to go for help. 

You say he turned it off for four months, mine was able to do so for 15 years!  It is hard enough to dealwith but add being unfaithful on top off it and it can tear out your heart! I don't know if your husband is like mine, but please check your credit reports, your checking and savings accounts, and anything else that pertians to money! He even borried against our life insurance policies! 

  

I plead with everyone in this position to take steps to protect yourself! My family is ruined,our life is ruined! I don't know if I will ever be to correct all the damage he has done! 

  

If there are support groups or organizations that people can turn to for help, please speak up.... there are so many of us looking for help! 

  

I wish you the best of luck! I hope you find the answers we all need! 

Is he still seeing a therapist?  If not, he should.   

  

There may be something else there--a comorbid condition, or maybe he doesn't fully believe that what he was doing was wrong--and that his mood disorder is his new "out".   

The 9 most used words in a bopolar's vocabulary are "it seemed like a good idea at the time". I don't know if he was manic or not, but a lot of bipolars become overly sexual when manic and it's very possible.

Those are the same questions I've been asking myself since finding out about my husband's affairs and diagnosis.   We'd struggled through two years of undiagnosed ups and downs, with him going on week/month long drinking binges, spending sprees with money we didn't have to spend.  We separated in December because I found out about an affair.  After I threw him out and was trying to figure out how to go from stay home mom to single mom with $100,000 of debt, a friend who had gone through the same thing with her husband (successfully!  There is hope!!) convinced mine to go to a therapist who diagnosed him as Bipolar.  He decided to come clean with me in the hopes of reconciliation, and admitted that with most of the manic episodes came a one night stand.  He's admitted to three, although I still think there may have been more. He's on meds now, and he's moved back in, but it's still hard.  The meds aren't quite right yet, and every little thing tends to send him downward (although he hasn't drank since being on the meds), like the weather, stress at work, my moods.  It's really hard.  Plus, now that he's been "diagnosed", he and his Dr. and a lot of our friends think that "everything's better now", and that I should be over it.  "It wasn't him that wanted to cheat, the disorder and the booze made him do it".  That's just fine and dandy, but I don't have a magic pill to change the hurt, anger, and humiliation that I feel.  Or the worry and stress that it will happen again.  And like you asked, how could he lie so well?  How could he look me in the eye when he was stone sober and lie?  And how do I ever trust him again?   

There are soo many of us who have been hurt by these episodes, and I know I would love to see a show about bipolar "sexual impulse control".  I have been all over the net and there isn't much info about how the spouse can cope.   

 My husband is also bipolar and has had an affair several times.  I go to counseling to help me deal with his illness, and my counselor has told me how common this is in bipolar people.  The divorce rate in marriages where one is bipolar is off the charts.  If you husband wants to stay in the marriage it is really up to what you can deal with and what is just more than you can handle.  No matter how much you love him...you have to take care of yourself.  I feel my husband and I belong together and I am fighting for my marriage.  It isn't easy and as I said before I do go for counseling to help me get through it.  What your husband did is very typical for bipolars....however that certainly doesn't make it right.  Living with a bipolar spouse is a very difficult thing to do, but this is an illness,  I wouldn't abandon my husband if he had cancer and I won't abandon him with this disease either.  May God give you wisdom as to what the right thing is for you to do.

 I only know from my experiences.  I love my husband with my entire being.  I respect and admire him.  I have been bipolar since I was 12.  I am now 39.  I have had many affairs.  Do I try to hurt my husband  on purpose?  Absolutely not!  Do I care if I "catch" something?  Not at the time of the indiscretion.  I care about how that person makes me feel just at that moment. There are no fears of unpleasant consequences, reckless enthusiams takes over.  I have no conscience about it.  I hate that.  I have lied for years.  I continue to lie.  I can't hurt him like this.  He only  knows about 2 of my affairs (one in '95 in which I became pregnant and one in '97 in which I became pregnant).
 I would like to recommend a book or at least take a quote from the book, "Bipolar Disorder-A Guide for Patients and Families"  by Francis Mark Mondimore, M.D.
Here is a quote... "The feelings of exuberance and overconfidence that characterize mania can lead to several pattens of behavior typical of the manic state:  spending sprees, sexual promiscuity, and overuse of alcohol and other intoxicating substances....Increased sexual feelings can lead to affairs or promiscuity, actions that can be life-threatening."
I am sorry for what I have done.  If I could change it I would.  I can't.  I just want to feel normal again. 
~lbhat

He didn't turn off the mania, it cycles on and off.  Was he showing the other symptoms--loss of sleep or lots of extra energy  or talking rapidly?  Bipolar mania makes everything speed up, and yes, lying and cheating are common, because he'll do things before he thinks of the consequences.  He'll lie because his crazy head has him thinking whatever he does at the time to protect himself is okay.  I know, because I have Bipolar 1.  My best friend has Bipolar 2, and she is A LOT like the woman on the show.  Two more good friends of mine are rapid cycling, and they both have hypersexuality.  Cheating can happen in any of the levels of Bipolar.

I can relate to exactly where you are. I have been married 13 years, together for 15 to my bi polar II husband. His diagnosis came 2 years after our son was born. We had been married 6 1/2 years and only the first two had been happy. Like yours, I'm sure, a long story. Anyway, I've experienced the lying, hidden bottles of alcohol, found feminine gifts in a closet that I never received and the lying. Never ever with an apology, only an angry "I thought we had gotten past that". For many reasons I have to stay. Here's what I can tell you keeps me going: I see a therapist myself every 3 weeks to keep on track; I have come to a place where I have NO expectations for our marriage, which is not quite all the way dead but hovering at death in a persistant vegetative state. The ONLY reason I stay is that it is, for my circumstance, the only way my son will have a good relationship with his father and it is the only way I can protect him from a father who does not consider personal safety relevant or even real. If you do not have children and are not willing to settle for a severely limited relationship (unless he is willing to do the work like many actually do) then think hard about what you'll put yourself through.

please be careful here.  I cant speak for all but i can speak on what i went through myself.  I was married to a manic/depressive person for 20 years and 4 affairs later that I have found out about. 

The first affair happened before he was diagnosed...the other 3 happened after.  I truly hope your outcome is not the same.  Just beware and prepare yourself.