My mother is bipolar, and she has caused much grief for my grandma and me. My mom sent me to my grandma when I was a toddler, and she raised me. My mom moved in when I was in kindergarden and they have been together most of the time since. My mom also has difficulty showing gratitude. Often, she will not remember her mother's birthday. And if my grandmother complains, my mom will go on a tirade about how the things she does is not being appreciated. (Now that my grandmother is elderly, my mom is trying her best to help out by cooking etc--but has been on SSI most of her life.) I believe my grandmother tries to be controlling and my mom rebels against that. She has paranoid ideas that she can't control--delusions. The medicine helps some, but has never made her normal. There were times when she would hate my grandma. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I have not had children of my own, just step-kids, because of fears that my child would turn out like my mother and I would have another burden to bear. Sometimes is is best to lower your expectations. It is hard to tell when they have control or don't. I would set limits with her, but not to the point of completely cutting off contact. I very much recommend finding help at the websites the other person told you about--you have to know how to treat a person with bipolar to minimize exacerbating outbursts.
You can't change how she behaves, you can only change how you respond to her. Try being always respectful, and don't yell back. Right or wrong, my favorite coping mechanism is to withdraw from the situation until things are calmer--leave the room or house, hang up the phone when she is abusive. In turn, avoid things that irritate her. Moms have a way of doing that without even knowing it. I've found that people respond better if you give them choices, and treat them with respect, and remain calm if they start freaking out. Validate her feeling when appropriate.
I think a support group for family of mentally ill might be very helpful to you in trying to understand your daughter's illness and how to cope with it. www.nami.org may be helpful in finding one. Regarding SSI, if your daughter is as volatile as I imagine, I don't know how she could hold a job whild having temper outbursts. Keep trying. Perhaps nami will have some ideas. Perhaps if she tries to work and gets fired enought they would figure it out. Also, some people have been helped by Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, (DBT). My mom most likely wouldn't do it, as she hates psychologists, but if your daughter has any hope of controlling herself, this is the way to learn those skills. (Such as if she has a component of Borderline Personality Disorder--just something to think about).
Good Luck. Sorry to have gone on so long.
