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Replies to 'Getting Along With Your In-Laws'
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August 18, 2005, 8:57 am PDT
 Quote From: tsalvis My mother-in-law was wonderful before my husband and I got married. We were together 6 years before we go married. We have been married for 7 years. After my son was born, she changed. She even went so far as to give my husband's ex-girlfriend our phone number to ask him out to lunch!! She will put what she wants for her birthday or Christmas in layaway and tell him to get it out because "he never gets her what she wants". And she thinks that since she "raised" him (don't get me started on what type of mother she was), he owes her nice things now. Even if it means canceling our vacations to pay for it. He cooks for me, my mother and her on Mother's Day and she always cancels and makes him take her out to eat. We have 2 children and we do okay financially and all of this would not be so bad, if she didn't EXPECT it.
He doesn't give in to her as much as he used to and she does not come to our house. She lives 2 miles from our house and only sees her grandchildren on holidays and birthdays. However, my husbands brother and his wife and 2 children share a driveway with us and she goes to their house all the time. She never calls unless she wants something.
Her birthday is 4 days before our anniversary. We never get to do anything nice for our anniverday because we are always doing something for her. My husband always apologizes to me and I feel bad for him because she makes him feel horrible if he doesn't bend over backward for her.
We built a house 2 years ago and the last time she was there she fussed at my husband because our landscaping wasn't finished yet. I told her that he was doing the best that he could and that I was the one who had to look at it and I wasn't complaining and I would appreciate it if she would complain about it in my house. If she puts him down in her house, I don't feel like I should say anything to her. Then it is between her and him. However, she will not come in my house and put him down. That is my turf and I won't have it. He is a wonderful husband and father. She never says anything about that.
How can I make her stop doing this to him and see that she has a wonderful son (she criticizes everythign he does) that she is losing because of how she is treating him? GEE! I wonder if your inlaws are related to mine? They sound just alike. Your husband needs to stand up for himself and tell his mom how she makes him feel. If he wants to cook for her on mothers day and she cancels just so he will have to take her out then she just missed out on her mothers day surprise. She should have to wait until next year then. You cant plan your life around your inlaws, you have to plan your life around the family you have. If she doesnt like what you guys buy her, then give her a dollar amount (that you can afford) and that is it and let her buy her own gift, that way you guys arent stuck footing the "high" bill she wanted. My inlaws dont see their grandkids either and we live behind them, but you know what? That is THEIR LOSS not OURS. You cant change her and her behavoir, but you can change how you react towards her. For instance, I dont like my mil, because of her selfish ways and how she does our kids and my husband so the best thing for us to do is to stay away from her until she wises up about all the hurt she has caused. My husband will not talk with his mother because of how she treats all of us and him. Maybe one day she will wake up and realize what she had. Sometimes it takes months of staying away from them before they wake up and realize you guys are human too, but in our case it is going on 2 years and going......and going........ |
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August 19, 2005, 9:43 am PDT
Quote From: tsalvis My mother-in-law was wonderful before my husband and I got married. We were together 6 years before we go married. We have been married for 7 years. After my son was born, she changed. She even went so far as to give my husband's ex-girlfriend our phone number to ask him out to lunch!! She will put what she wants for her birthday or Christmas in layaway and tell him to get it out because "he never gets her what she wants". And she thinks that since she "raised" him (don't get me started on what type of mother she was), he owes her nice things now. Even if it means canceling our vacations to pay for it. He cooks for me, my mother and her on Mother's Day and she always cancels and makes him take her out to eat. We have 2 children and we do okay financially and all of this would not be so bad, if she didn't EXPECT it.
He doesn't give in to her as much as he used to and she does not come to our house. She lives 2 miles from our house and only sees her grandchildren on holidays and birthdays. However, my husbands brother and his wife and 2 children share a driveway with us and she goes to their house all the time. She never calls unless she wants something.
Her birthday is 4 days before our anniversary. We never get to do anything nice for our anniverday because we are always doing something for her. My husband always apologizes to me and I feel bad for him because she makes him feel horrible if he doesn't bend over backward for her.
We built a house 2 years ago and the last time she was there she fussed at my husband because our landscaping wasn't finished yet. I told her that he was doing the best that he could and that I was the one who had to look at it and I wasn't complaining and I would appreciate it if she would complain about it in my house. If she puts him down in her house, I don't feel like I should say anything to her. Then it is between her and him. However, she will not come in my house and put him down. That is my turf and I won't have it. He is a wonderful husband and father. She never says anything about that.
How can I make her stop doing this to him and see that she has a wonderful son (she criticizes everythign he does) that she is losing because of how she is treating him? Have you ever asked your husband why he tolerates her treating him like this? I'm curious to know why a grown man will still tolerate his mother's verbal and emotional abuse...only he can do anything about this, and even then, it doesn't mean she will stop. There isn't anything he can do to change her, he can only change his own reactions to her, such as telling her straight out that he is spending time with his wife on his anniversary, not his mother, and when she talks down to him or complains about him, he needs to speak up and say something, like, "mom, you know its very hurtful that nothing I do pleases you." There is a book that I read called "Toxic In-Laws" by Susan Forward that was so helpful for me, because my MIL was the same as yours, the book is excellent and I highly recomend it to you! Its so hard to sit by and watch the man that you love and respect be treated like dirt by his mother, the person he wants to please and he wants to have be proud of him. Its very sad. She is being emotionaly abusive by witholding compliments, and I suspect that she knows exactly what she is doing, because this makes her feel good about herself to make someone else that she feels she has "power" over feel crappy. Thats why she does it, because he gives her that power. You've got to have a serious talk with your husband, I know you probably have in the past, but this one has to be different, let him know that you acknowledge how he wants to please her, but point out that is something that will never happen, and he has to accept that. Remind him of what a good person he is and how he doesn't deserve this treatment. I had to remind my husband that he is a great husband, father, and well respected person in our community...it was like he didn't even know that before because his mother's opinion was the only thing flashing in his head like a billboard. I wish you luck! |
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