Replies to '08/01 Extreme Highs and Lows'

I have not been diagnosed, but I have researched Bi-Polar/Manic Depression and fit the characteristics to the T. I not only see all the symptoms, but the realization of this disorder and what it does to my mind gave me instant relief. I knew right away, that all of the things that I could not explain were evident in the details of this disorder. I sometimes can't wait to retreat to my room, where I can hide from the world, and lately I have done massive amounts of drugs, just to get by. I feel like no one could help me, but me. I can't trust anyone, and no one should put their trust in me. I feel violent, but more towards others, little instances of people disrespecting me causes me to have thoughts of physically hurting people, or making their lives miserable like mine is. Sometimes I can hardly cope, and I don't exactly wish to kill myself, but more of go out in a blaze of glory, whatever that means? Because I have not attempted nor planned it out like it says on Wikipedia. I have more of a deathwish, not a suicidal tendency... I also believe that if I haven't died from my actions already then It must not be my time yet. I put myself in harms way, with this logic, leaving me open to again be tagged suicidal, or manic. I have come to a realization, that I am sick, like the lady says to her kids. I understand that my mind is playing tricks on me, and all the intelligence that I thought I had, and will ever have, will still not be able to prevent that from happening. My mind will still play tricks on me.... life is still hard, I still am going to have to depend on me, and me alone. right? does it make sense? does it make sense to someone like me?  

my mind races like that guy said on the show, it does it extremely bad sometimes to where people would have to wake me from a trance of thoughts and creative ideas..... none of them were ever evil, but I loose attention on other things like work, sometimes while driving on a freeway, I can think and black out, and end up at my destination... how weird..... but does the disorder explain that, and more?.... 

I ramble, I sleep no more than 5 hours or less a night, and that has been that way for more than 12 years. I know I am sick. Does anyone know how much for a Brainmatters scan?..... 

this is weird, for me I can't believe what I just wrote