Replies to 'Bipolar Disorder'

I have had this disorder my whole life but was officially diagnosed one year ago.  I have been seeing a psychiatrist and therapist for 10 months now and have been on many medications.  My most recent "cocktail" being respirdal, wellbutrin, epivale, rameron and colanzepam.  I gained 30 pounds and was not at all happy about it.  I stopped taking the respirdal, wellbutrin and rameron as I thought I was doing better.  I have come to the realization that this was not a good idea.  I am spiralling back down again but am still on the fence about re-introducing those medications.  Logically I know I should but I am very confused about it.  My doctor's still think I am taking the meds as I haven't the spine to tell them I stopped.   

My whole life I knew there was something "different" about me but I never knew what.  I have the typical highs and lows of bipolar coupled with obsessive compulsive disorder and some characteristics of borderline personlity disorder.  I am so very tired of being this way.  All I want is to be normal and I don't want to have to take medication to achieve this.  I just want to be like the people around me and I don't understand what I did wrong to deserve this??  My sister is also bipolar and possibly my parents although they have never been officially diagnosed.  It seems as though I was doomed from the get go.  My relationship with my boyfriend of 12 years has been an extremely rocky one.  Since I have been receiving treatment though he has been right at my side and very supportive.  I just told him last night after watching Dr.Phil that I had stopped taking some of my medication.  He was not very pleased. 

I feel like I am at a fork in the road when it comes to medication.  I know I should take it but does it really help me?  Do I really want to continue being a guinea pig so to speak when it comes to meds?  I don't know I am confused.  Any thoughts?  I would appreciate it..... 

Confused in Canada