Replies to '08/01 Extreme Highs and Lows'

Sorry I've been so slow to answer you! I have been looking and looking for a post I found about something called Family to Family, a free class you can go to, I think through NAMI. If I find it I'll post again to you. I was also trying to look up a book I loved, "Bipolar Disorder: Rebuilding Your Life," that includes help for family members.

You ask if there is hope, and there is always hope, but it is a long, hard road. Sadly, you can't force your ex to take his meds. It took my mom over 10 years to realize she couldn't be righteous enough to be cured of this illness, she physically needed to have meds alter the chemicals in her brain so that her body can manage moods infinitely better.

She actually posted, and so I'm going to copy her post below, I thought it was helpful. Here it is, titled "Life is Good"

Life is good

I was diagnosed with bipolar illness 22 years ago, just after my fourth child was born. I am lucky that lithium works for me with no side effects. I also take only 20 mg of Prosac. The lithium left me still struggling to get out of bed each morning. Prosac filled in that gap. My mother was an unmedicated bipolar and I experienced the sad childhood that many of you have talked about.

Then, after 13 years of marriage, my husband was diagnosed bipolar as well. When one of us is down, the other can give support. But if we both are down together, things are not good. So here we are--two peas in a pod!! We also have two children that are bipolar, both unmedicated at this time. They admit the problem, but will not take meds. Our daughter is doing fairly well because of a very patient and loving husband. But our son is an alcoholic and has struggled his entire life.

I also have two sisters and a nephew and niece. It's in the genes! I can't say that life has been easy, in fact, it seems unfair that some things are so hard for our family. Like so many of you, we have had far too many challenges to deal with. But we have learned some good lessons and they have been extremely helpful. We are now a functional family and we feel that we can even say a successful family. Our children are grown now, so we have had many years to hone our skills for dealing with an illness that we call the "dragon."

I would like to share the ten things that have helped us the most.

1) Take your meds. This is an obvious solution. But it was 12 years after diagnosis that I finally realized that no amount of "being righteous" was going to cure me any more than it would cure diabetes or heart disease. Being consistent with meds has certainly made my life easier to handle. My husband still struggles to be consistent, mostly because he forgets. If your meds aren't working, have your doctor try another--there are lots of meds. The same thing with a psychologist, if you don't "click" soon, find another.

2) Get exercise. Lots of it. It really makes a difference. I can actually tell when I have missed a day of walking. I am far more level when I exercise

3) Eat nutritious foods. I have learned that I do not handle sugar well. Chocolate is the worst. My moods can be almost charted to what I have eaten during the day.

4) Read all you possible can about bipolar illness and self-talk and self-control. It really helps to understand your illness. My favorite book is called "An Unquiet Mind" (I forget the author) It is about a clinical psychiatrist who is bipolar. Excellent! Dr. Phil's books are great too.

5) Just like in AA, get support from your "higher power" be he God, Allah, buddha or another. This gives me more strength than can come from just me.

6) Be creative. Use all that extra energy to take up a new talent. For me, it was piano and organ and singing and art. I've even dabbled in writing. We BP's are really talented people. Bipolar folk are incredibly creative and can often handle bigger projects and productions than others. I read that many CEO's of big companies are bipolar, they just keep it hidden during the difficult times.

7) Write down your feelings. I keep a journal and I noticed that I was only writing in it when I was "down". So I have been focusing on also writing when I am "up." I don't want my children and grandchildren reading it later and thinking that I was never happy. Writing is theraputic for me. I have become my own psychologist in a way through reading and rereading my own thoughts.

8) Have a good bipolar friend to confide in. I found mine by chance. It's nice to know that someone truly understands. I do have my husband, but he often forgets that he understands! :) I am very careful who I let in to my thoughts. When I was first diagnosed, I wanted to tell all, because I was so glad to know what was wrong with me. This backfired and caused me and my family incredible pain. Now I choose with care who I will tell. I had an employer that was very understanding after I explained to her why I had a "panic attack" during an important meeting. (She confided in me that she, too, was bipolar.) My present employer does not know. Just be sure that enough people know about your dragon so that they can be there to support you during times of crisis.

9) Be positive. Life is tough, and for us, is can be tougher. We have challenges that others do not. We have a hidden handicap that must be dealt with. I believe that no one knows what difficulty self-motivation can be unless they deal with bipolar illness. This is our life's trial in many different ways, and we can look at it as a challenge that can be managed instead of a tragedy to drag us down. We can be better people because of what we have conquered on a daily basis.

10) Love yourself. We will make mistakes. We cannot, even on medication, stay completely level. Even normal people cannot do that.

Once in a while the dragon is going to drag us into his lair and we have got to get ourselves out, and not berate ourselves for having been there! When the dragon gets ahold of me with his claws, my first thought is always "the only way out is through." I have to take a look at my life and the previous steps I have just given, and find out which one I am not doing. Then I must do that step immediately and persevere until I am free. It works every time. I am a good person, I just have an illness that takes extra effort to manage. I have a favorite quote that I have hanging on my bathroom mirror:

" I will control what attitude I take toward this situation. I have the power to choose my perceptions and reactions And I will exercise this power of choice in every circumstance, every day of my life. " --Dr. Phil

I hope these suggestions will be helpful to someone. They have been like magic for our family. We have learned from our experiences that we can have some control over the dragon himself. Love to you all!

Ok, found you lots of help from two different posts, one on page 66 (sorted 10 posts to a page). One post from dhermann said that if you go to the NAMI site, in any state there is a 12 week program f or family members of people with a mental illness called FAMILY to FAMILY. That seems like a huge amount of time, but think about the amazing education you would get, anything to not be in the desperate position you feel now.

In the same post dhermann mentions a PEER to PEER class for those with Bipolar who are willing to go.

The second post I can't find, but I pasted part of it for my records. It gives help for family members:

* One is www.nami.org - national alliance for the mentally ill. They offer free classes in every state for both bipolar patients and their family. they also have support groups you can join both in your area as well as online like this one.

* Another good one is www.dbsalliance.org - depression and bipolar support alliance. Similar groups and support as nami

* The third one I like is www.healthyplace.com. This site contains information for several mental illnesses, and if you follow the bipolar links and click support, there are 15-20 articles compiled discussing how to support a loved one. They are really helpful! like what to say or not to say to someone with bipolar, how to care for you while trying to help your daughter, that anger, denial, confusion, etc are all normal reactions to this terrible disease, etc.

When I posted all that help for you, including the post from my mom of 10 helpful steps, she later posted a postscript which is helpful to know about and watch for as you see your ex going down or up. You can help with the environment to the best of your ability when you do have contact with him. Here are her comments:

"In addition to the 10 steps to managing bipolar illness that I put on the board (you can find her original post by clicking on Search Boards and type in "stay_young," then clicking the link to the title "Life is Good"), I remembered one more critical one: that is to know your triggers. My triggers are a messy house, arguing children, too much sugar, being criticized in even the smallest way and many others. If the family is aware of your triggers, they can watch out for them and try to avoid them. For example, keeping the house clean, not arguing in my presence, not criticizing me and not having too much sugar around the house. For the most part, they really do try to be aware of these things.

The other thing is for family members to be aware of the signs and symptoms that tip them off that one is beginning to enter an episode, be it up or down. If my husband starts making "interesting" financial decisions, my first question to him is "Are you taking your meds?" Almost always, the answer is "I forgot." The more educated we are about our unique triggers and symptoms, the better we can inform our loved ones "about how they can help us.