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Replies to '08/01 Extreme Highs and Lows'
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March 9, 2006, 10:01 pm PST
 Quote From: missinghim
As I watched this show on people who suffer with bipolar disorder, my heart went out to the sister who looked out for her brother at the expense of her own husband and family. I lost the love of my life, my husband of 33 yrs., to suicide as the result of this devastating illness. I do not feel any anger towards him like alot of people do in situations like this, but I am very angry at the so called "health professionals" who I put too much trust and confidence in with my husband's life. You see, I am a nurse and really believed that he was getting the best of care because I always gave my patients the very best care and just assumed my profession would not let him down. How stupid of me! When I look back and see how my husband was treated so poorly by the VA doctors and nurses, it makes me feel so betrayed. I read his medical records and the untruths were mind boggling, now I know why he just gave up, he did not feel he had any hope for the future. My husband served his country in the US Army in the Viet Nam War and deserved to be treated professionally and respectfully. Instead he felt no one there really cared what he was feeling and he was given generic meds that were not working and conflicted with other meds he took for hypertension and diabetes( which he developed after exposure to agent orange in Viet Nam). I loved him with all of my heart and soul and tried so hard to keep him from harming himself. He was in and out of " behavioral units" at local hospitals three times for attempts to kill himself. He was never kept at any of these hospitals for any longer than 3 days because that is all medicare would allow in private hospitals and the VA never thought he needed to be admitted for his bipolar and now he is dead. When I tried to contact the mental health nurse practioner who saw him last before he died, she finally called me back after I left messages for several days. When I told her what had happened and wanted to know some answers to some questions I had, all she said to me was " you know as well as I did that he was going to kill himself eventually". I was hurt and stunned that I was not even given an ounce of sympathy and then told basically that I needed to get over it.....so what and no big surprise? Well, he was my husband, my best friend, my sons father and HE MATTERED TO ME! My heart is forever broken and my life shattered, every day is a struggle for me now and I re-live finding him when I came home from work ...dead for over 6 hrs. I ran to him, the nurse in me thinking that I could save him, but when I touched his face and arms, they were so cold...... no one will ever know what I felt at that moment, and I continue to feel it every day. He was worth everything to me, even my own life if I could have given him that choice. I feel totally numb and just go through the motions of the day, trying to move around the huge hole his death has left behind. I wish He had been able to receive the kind of support and help this family has from devoted people like Dr. Phil, maybe he would be alive today. and I can't imagine the pain, heartache, raw grief and anger you have felt and suffered following the death of your beloved husband. The fact that he was hospitalized for such brief time periods given his serious brain disorder and other medical problems was incomprehensible yet it happens way too often. Re: the extremely insensitive and cruel remarks that the nurse practioner made to you, I think you should write her a letter and tell her the extra pain she inflicted on you during the worst time of your life. There are definitely some excellent and compassionate professionals in the mental health field but there are many who are not. When my then 14 yr old daughter attempted suicide 6 months after her dad/my husband died of a rare form of heart disease, a prominent psychiatrist who treated her at the hospital said to me: "How is Mel ever going to get better when you're always around?" I was fighting to save the life of my precious child, who had a serious illness? Would a doctor dare say that to a parent if the child was suffering from cancer?? My grief counselor encouraged me several months later to write a letter to that doctor and I did. The psychiatrist never responded but I hope that she seriously thought about what she said to families in crisis from then on. It helped in my healing process.
My heart goes out to you and I'm sending you hugs and hope. Grief/loss is the worst pain I have ever felt and it permeates your entire mind, body and soul. Yes, your husband's life mattered--- to you and to everyone who knew and loved him and yes, he needed and deserved better care and treatment than what he got at the VA. . He was truly fortunate to have such a strong and supportive wife in you. You couldn't save him from this deadly brain disorder but you loved him, stood by him and in the end, that is what truly matters. I would encourage you to find a grief counselor to help you through the journey ahead. My heart goes out to all of you who have lost a loved one to this terrible illness. That will be my worst fear until the day I die.
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