Replies to 'The Meaning of "Family"'

My husband and I have been together for 17 years and married for 10.  We have 5 adult children between us but all are independantly living out of home now.  (there are also 2 Grandchildren and another on the way, all his grandchildren).  He has 3 daughters and they crave his love, acceptance and some attention. 

He never thinks to ring them just to say hello; he never pops in to visit.  If he does speak to them on the phone it's because I have dialled the number and if we get together as a family it's because I arrange it and cook all the food.  But I am their Step-Mother.  They have a Mother of their own.  We have discussed this before and they have expressed their needs with him.  It has been accepted by all that most of their problems come from having a Mother who was not there for them as most Mothers should be and this has hugely affected their self-esteem and future prospects due to her downgrading treatment of them, by her. 

But I feel that if he made more effort and time that he could help that situation a little. 

He says that he is there for them for advice and helps them with loans etc, but I can't get him to see the emotional needs and he doesn't seem to know how to show it (he is the same with me). 

I have been there for them over the years to try and make up for what their natural parents lacked, but it is not the same, they need it to be from a parent.  As they are older now they do appreciate my efforts, but they still are starved of proper parental love. 

He says "well that's just me"  or "they are all adults now - they should know how to change things so that they can be the people they want to be". or "they know I'm always there for them" 

How can I make him see that he could make such a difference in their lives if he just did a couple of small things?  They just need someone to say "Sorry you had to go through that and none of it was your fault "  (meaning the divorce).  I did say that to the eldest one the other day and gave her a hug and she really appreciated it.  But my husband is the type to not be told what to do, and when to do it and also finds it difficult to admit he could have done better, and difficult to express emotions. 

I just keep telling them to try not to take it personally and that it's just your Dad and he does love you and that I put up with the lack of emtion from him too, but I know he loves me and he is really a good person. 

The middle one is at a stand-off situation with him.  She won't come to visit him because he doesn't go and visit her.  And when I suggest he visit her he says "Why should I, she doesn't come and visit me"  It's all so silly and very sad.  It makes me think that I don't know who my husband is.  I am so much the opposite.  I visit and ring my adult children all the time and bake them biscuits for the cupboard and go with them to appointments if they need my support.  I just don't get it!! 

He has watched the Dr. Phil show on this subject at various times, but nothing changes. 

My husband and I have been together for 17 years and married for 10.  We have 5 adult children between us but all are independantly living out of home now.  (there are also 2 Grandchildren and another on the way, all his grandchildren).  He has 3 daughters and they crave his love, acceptance and some attention. 

He never thinks to ring them just to say hello; he never pops in to visit.  If he does speak to them on the phone it's because I have dialled the number and if we get together as a family it's because I arrange it and cook all the food.  But I am their Step-Mother.  They have a Mother of their own.  We have discussed this before and they have expressed their needs with him.  It has been accepted by all that most of their problems come from having a Mother who was not there for them as most Mothers should be and this has hugely affected their self-esteem and future prospects due to her downgrading treatment of them, by her. 

But I feel that if he made more effort and time that he could help that situation a little. 

He says that he is there for them for advice and helps them with loans etc, but I can't get him to see the emotional needs and he doesn't seem to know how to show it (he is the same with me). 

I have been there for them over the years to try and make up for what their natural parents lacked, but it is not the same, they need it to be from a parent.  As they are older now they do appreciate my efforts, but they still are starved of proper parental love. 

He says "well that's just me"  or "they are all adults now - they should know how to change things so that they can be the people they want to be". or "they know I'm always there for them" 

How can I make him see that he could make such a difference in their lives if he just did a couple of small things?  They just need someone to say "Sorry you had to go through that and none of it was your fault "  (meaning the divorce).  I did say that to the eldest one the other day and gave her a hug and she really appreciated it.  But my husband is the type to not be told what to do, and when to do it and also finds it difficult to admit he could have done better, and difficult to express emotions. 

I just keep telling them to try not to take it personally and that it's just your Dad and he does love you and that I put up with the lack of emtion from him too, but I know he loves me and he is really a good person. 

The middle one is at a stand-off situation with him.  She won't come to visit him because he doesn't go and visit her.  And when I suggest he visit her he says "Why should I, she doesn't come and visit me"  It's all so silly and very sad.  It makes me think that I don't know who my husband is.  I am so much the opposite.  I visit and ring my adult children all the time and bake them biscuits for the cupboard and go with them to appointments if they need my support.  I just don't get it!! 

He has watched the Dr. Phil show on this subject at various times, but nothing changes.