Replies to 'My Friend/Relative Won't Discipline!'

My sister has three children, ages 5, 7 and 8.  I have one, and she is four and a half years old.  My sister is married and I am a single parent.  

My sister watches my daughter while I teach at a nearby university.  For as long as her five-year-old daughter and my daughter have been able to move on their own, her daughter has always hurt mine.  Initially, I assumed kids will be kids, but, over the past few months, my niece has seriously hurt my daughter on separate occasions.  

The first incident occurred just before Christmas.  My daughter and niece were told to sit quietly and read together.  My daughter was obeying, while my niece wanted to play.  My daughter wouldn't disobey, so my niece hit her over the head with a book.  My daughter, then, hit my niece over the head with a book, then tried to run away, because she knows that my niece is more violent than she is.  

My niece grabbed my daughter by the head and pushed my daughter's face into a wall.  My daughter suffered a broken nose, torn skin inside her mouth, among several minor injuries.  I had to take my daughter to the emergency room because of it.  My niece accompanied me to the hospital, and told the ER nurse and doctor that she had caused the injuries.  

My daughter comes home with bruises, hurt feelings and a broken heart more times than I care to count.  

On Valentine's Day, less than two months after the broken nose, as I was picking my daughter up from my sister's house, I found my daughter lying on the floor crying.  My niece was sitting on her father's lap, and he explained that he had just pulled his daughter off of mine, and that they were fighting.  

My daughter complained that her arm hurt really badly, so I took a look and discovered that my niece had bitten her, through the skin.  I regret that I didn't take my daughter to the emergency room this time, rather, I cleaned the wound at home.  I did, however, take photos of the injury.  

When I told my brother-in-law that my niece had bitten my daughter, he looked at my daughter's arm then said, "Gee, you can't go around doing that." to my niece.  That was all the reprimand I saw her receive.  

I highly doubt that my brother-in-law does much more than that kind of discipline.  My sister is too self-absorbed to discipline her children, too.  Like the mother on this episode, my sister wants to be the f un mom... but... to a horrid fault, as she ends up hogging the toys and games and the kids complain.  

Of course, my daughter's relationship with my niece is over, as is my relationship with my sister.  I've tried to talk with my sister about my  niece, but, to no avail.  I can barely get my point across without her shouting at me or hanging up on me.  

My concern, of course, is for my niece.  Prior to watching this show, I found myself trying to research violent children, in order to find ways that I could suggest to my sister that she seek help for my niece.  Of course, I was never able to get those words in, because my sister was too angry about the situation.  I'm pretty sure she thinks this is a kids being kids thing.  I don't think that at all.  

My sister even so much as called the police and told them that she was afraid I would retaliate.  I never raised my voice to my sister, let alone threaten her.  I tried to be rational with her, and she wouldn't give me that opportunity to be rational.  This is typical behavior from her.  She never once asked me why I was so concerned about this.  My daughter will be fine, because I've worked with her and explained to her that her cousin is not feeling well, and that we should try to understand her illness, rather than to try to fight her.  My daughter said she no longer wanted to play with her cousin.  I said that was alright for now.  

The bottom line here is that my sister is suffering from several psychological disorders, and is in total denial that her child and she have serious problems.  

Whereas I agree that parents should be allowed to raise their children as they deem fit, I also see that in some instances, outside involvement is necessary.  

I would feel better about the situation, if like Sydney, my niece showed remorse or any kind of empathy, but she never does.  She's very cold about it.  She doesn't care... and it's quite obvious.  The only time this child cries or feels badly is when she is scared or when she, herself, is hurt.    

It scares me... and I don't know what else to do.  

Any suggestions??  

Amy