Replies to 'How Childhood Abuse Still Affects Me'

 Hi.  I'm glad to know you're feeling hopeful and am sending you all my best wishes.

Therapy has evolved over the past twenty years.   Had I known what I know now when I started, I would have done therapy another way and perhaps would have had a different outcome.   (Not to scare you, but I ended up disabled because the grief part of therapy went on too long without anything to offset it and because I was further traumatized.)

Some suggestions:

1)  Telling the tale is very important.   It helps to have a therapist who will listen to your horror stories with compassion; a survivor group will get you over any guilt in 6-8 weeks.   Groups are like magic.

2)  Your therapist should be interested in helping you understand and control your symptoms.    (Mine did not and let me go through physical shock, bombastic reactions because of hyperarousal, and even reenactments, without offering an iota of practical advice.   (Had I not known to wrap myself in a blanket when in physical shock--who knows?)   And...I was further traumatized by going through reenactments.

3)  Run like hell from any therapist interested in Otto Kernberg.  Be wary of anyone who wants to treat you for borderline personality disorder, though Linehan's method might be OK.

4)  "Mindfulness meditation" (you can do it in a hospital, group, or on your own with tapes) will help you manage your symptoms and think things through more clearly.

5)  Take vacations, treat yourself, and enlist your husband and friends to help you do joyful activities, else, you'll be caught up in unending grief.    Don't worry about the money; think of it as part of the cost of treatment.  (I wish I had.)

6)  Have a frank talk with health-care providers about treatment length and prognosis.   They generally hate telling you bad news, but you will be better prepared to make decisions if you know how long you will be in treatment, which typically can run from five to ten years.    Knowing this will allow you to plan your life.    Also, ask if you will be unable to work during stretches of the therapy.   (Had I been told, I would have applied for disability and concentrated on therapy rather than been further traumatized by screwing up at work.)   Please, go on disability during the most difficult stretches of your therapy.

7)  Take your meds.

8)  Never hesitate to get a second opinion.   Indeed, I'd recommend making yearly appointments for an evaluation and review at a major university hospital.   An independent third party will be invaluable in keeping you in the right types of therapies.   (In NYC, where I live, the New York State Psychiatric Insitute provides just this sort of service.   The larger university hospitals should have similar programs.)

And, if your therapist objects to a second opinion or to adjunct therapy, fire them immediately.
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I wish you the best of luck.   Going through the flashbacks and so on is hell, but there are techniques to help ease these symptoms and almost every other one you may have as you go along.

BEST, BEST, BEST wishes.