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Replies to 'Pornography'
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March 28, 2006, 3:18 am PST
 Quote From: violetmay I don't know what to do.
My husband is addicted to porn. We haven't had sex in more than 6 months and when I approach him, he gently...but firmly...rebuffs me. We have a "nook" space in our bedroom where I have put a large antique mahogany secretary that I inherited from my aunt. He sets up his laptop there as soon as he comes home from work and spends the evening in front of it. The glass doors on the secretary act like a mirror, so if he sees me approaching, he quickly clicks over to a financial management page and tells me he is "monitoring our investments." But I'm not an idiot...I can see the "Hot Babes" icon in the task bar.
He recently went on a business trip and when he came back I found two porno DVDs in his briefcase and another six in the boot of his car. I'm sure you can imagine what that costs...but his birthday is next week and I don't have enough money in my household budget to buy him anything more than a cheap gift...a Tshirt or belt, maybe.
We've discussed this before, most recently in January, when I walked in on him masturbating in the shower. He agreed to stop, to dump the porn off his computer and turn his attentions towards me. Needless to say, he lied.
Two days ago, he took a nap and forgot to turn his computer off when he laid down. I checked it. He had porn sites in his "Favourites" folder and the history is just a huge list of porn sites going back to when he last cleared it. When he woke up from his nap, I brought up the topic.
We ended up having a huge fight. He agreed to take all the porn off his computer...and proceeded to start writing it to DVD!!! I am not ordinarily a person to scream and yell, but I did a lot of it that night and he ended up mad at ME because I was making him "waste money" because I would not allow him to copy the DVDs that he was agreeing to get rid of! At one point in the argument I asked if he had any idea how it felt to see that your husband preferred his hand and the images of a stranger over being intimate with his own wife. He replied "maybe you're right...maybe I do prefer my porn over marriage. I'll have to rethink this marriage thing." (We've been married 2.5 years, together for 4.5).
Today it is the elephant in the living room. He acts like nothing happened. He says he'll go to a therapist but I have to find the therapist and make the appointment (and I know him...if I don't do it, he surely won't).
I feel absolutely crushed, demoralized, hurt beyond even my own comprehension. I am ordinarily a strong, upbeat, positive kind of person, but now that feels like someone I used to know but may never know again. And I have no idea how to proceed from here.
Vi
One thing to hold on to, and hold on tight, is to yourself. I know you feel like you have lost your strenght, upbeat, and positive way of life, but you have not. She is still in there and it is really important that you try your utmost best to surround yourself around people that honor and love you right now or you will sink into the throes of depression. And for what??????? Because your guy likes to look at porn? Think about how ridiculous this is?????? I did the same thing you did, immediately felt angry, jealous, turned off, and questioned myself ad nauseum.
The reason guys look at porn so much is because they have been told and conditioned to believe that it is normal and healthy to do so. They will swear up and down that it does not affect who they are or how they view women, especially the ones that are home waiting for them. They will tell you that they can go out with the guys and spend hours at a strip club checking out hot babes and then walk out as if it never happened. It seems to have no affect on them, or does it?
Porn has ruined many many marriages. Just like affairs, drinking, gambling and drugs, porn has the same potential. In your case, your husbands comments about wanting porn more then the marriage? My husband said the same thing. And you know what?????? I should have walked right there because it didn't only tell me he really likes porn, what it did tell me is that he has no care, none what so ever, about how I was feeling. Yours is doing the same thing. Don't let this emotional abuse change you. Let it make you stronger. Keep coming back. Kim |
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March 28, 2006, 6:59 am PST
Quote From: violetmay I don't know what to do.
My husband is addicted to porn. We haven't had sex in more than 6 months and when I approach him, he gently...but firmly...rebuffs me. We have a "nook" space in our bedroom where I have put a large antique mahogany secretary that I inherited from my aunt. He sets up his laptop there as soon as he comes home from work and spends the evening in front of it. The glass doors on the secretary act like a mirror, so if he sees me approaching, he quickly clicks over to a financial management page and tells me he is "monitoring our investments." But I'm not an idiot...I can see the "Hot Babes" icon in the task bar.
He recently went on a business trip and when he came back I found two porno DVDs in his briefcase and another six in the boot of his car. I'm sure you can imagine what that costs...but his birthday is next week and I don't have enough money in my household budget to buy him anything more than a cheap gift...a Tshirt or belt, maybe.
We've discussed this before, most recently in January, when I walked in on him masturbating in the shower. He agreed to stop, to dump the porn off his computer and turn his attentions towards me. Needless to say, he lied.
Two days ago, he took a nap and forgot to turn his computer off when he laid down. I checked it. He had porn sites in his "Favourites" folder and the history is just a huge list of porn sites going back to when he last cleared it. When he woke up from his nap, I brought up the topic.
We ended up having a huge fight. He agreed to take all the porn off his computer...and proceeded to start writing it to DVD!!! I am not ordinarily a person to scream and yell, but I did a lot of it that night and he ended up mad at ME because I was making him "waste money" because I would not allow him to copy the DVDs that he was agreeing to get rid of! At one point in the argument I asked if he had any idea how it felt to see that your husband preferred his hand and the images of a stranger over being intimate with his own wife. He replied "maybe you're right...maybe I do prefer my porn over marriage. I'll have to rethink this marriage thing." (We've been married 2.5 years, together for 4.5).
Today it is the elephant in the living room. He acts like nothing happened. He says he'll go to a therapist but I have to find the therapist and make the appointment (and I know him...if I don't do it, he surely won't).
I feel absolutely crushed, demoralized, hurt beyond even my own comprehension. I am ordinarily a strong, upbeat, positive kind of person, but now that feels like someone I used to know but may never know again. And I have no idea how to proceed from here.
Vi
Go ahead and make the appointment....there is nothing wrong with a partner in any marriage being the one to make the phone call and set the appointment. Even IF he didn't go....you go and get some relief by just being able to sort through all the feelings about this. It might help you resolve the other issues inside this marriage. Porn is really only the symptom to other issues.....yes, it's a big one, but it's one that can be worked through and solutions can be found.
So do some work today and if he agreed to go.....then go for it. There is nothing wrong with reaching out, no matter who does the reaching, in order to save your marriage.
Good luck.
Luv~ |
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