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Replies to 'Pornography'
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March 28, 2006, 6:51 am PST
 Quote From: violetmay Leaving is not an option...I would have to leave the country because I am here on a temporary residence visa and can't get a permanent one for a couple of more years. Even if that wasn't the case, I still would rather put up a fight than throw in the towel, but I just don't know where to begin.
I don't actually have anything against porn, in the abstract. Like alcohol or guns, it's not the object that is the problem here, it is how people use them. I feel like he is having an affair...he spends all of his non-work, non-sleep time immersed in the computer (he also plays porn DVDs on it, wearing headphones so I won't hear, and switches to a finance website when he sees me coming) just like a man who is having an affair would do with his mistress. He doesn't want to have sex with me but I have seen him masturbating in the shower! I find myself blaming myself...what is wrong with me that he doesn't want me anymore? What has changed? We used to have a very active, very imaginative sex-life...I can remember being barely able to keep my eyes open at work, he'd kept me up playing all night! That was only 4 years ago. yes, there was porn in his life then, too, but it wasn't a substitute for (or worse, preference over) a real live woman!
I just wish I knew what to do, where to begin, what to say? He told me today he'd rather be married and he'd swear off the porn, but that's not good enough. He's said that before and gone back to it when he thought my guard was down, and it doesn't address the real problem...he doesn't think there's anything wrong with what he's doing, he discounts my feelings (he keeps rolling his eyes when I tell him how hurt and rejected I feel) and when asked ANYTHING he either answers "I don't know" or just clams up. And as long as he fails to be able to touch the pain this is causing me, I don't see a permanent change in the future.
And I just don't know even where to go for help.
Vi Since the ways you've approached this in the past haven't worked...maybe the best thing to do is come up with some new ways to talk about this. Rather than talk about how this hurts you...why not talk to him about how this is hurting him....and in many ways he's not even seeing.
First of all he's been in this so much that it's interferred with his ability to be intimate with his wife....doesn't that count for anything? Doesn't HE miss being sexual with you? Why not? Has there been some rejections in the past that might have turned him further away? Is there something in his career that causes him rejection and or stress and he feels inadequate about him self sexually or otherwise? What changed?
If there was once a great sex life with him.....ask him how there can be again? What can you do to maybe initiate that more often...more frequently? Talk to him about those things.
It sounds like he's saying he will stop......but what will come out of that? He'd rather be married....BUT what does that mean for him? Would sex and intimacy increase and get better? That's something to think about...because in a long term marriage sex is hugely important and does mean that both partners have to be willing to change, explore and find ways of keeping the romance going.....maybe he fears loosing that......
Try writing down your feelings about this, read it a few times. Dont be accusitory or put him down with shame and guilt. Simply explain that you are missing what used to be there....and you want to be a partner with him in getting that back.
If that doesn't work....then wait out the time it takes to get your perminant visa and then dump him only after you've planned the plan and worked it well. Sorry to say....but that is sometimes how this works. It's his choice and he's been making it a long enough time...don't you think????
Bottom line.....he's got a choice porn or you. How many options (choices) are you getting in all this?
Luv~ |
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March 28, 2006, 8:33 am PST
Quote From: violetmay Leaving is not an option...I would have to leave the country because I am here on a temporary residence visa and can't get a permanent one for a couple of more years. Even if that wasn't the case, I still would rather put up a fight than throw in the towel, but I just don't know where to begin.
I don't actually have anything against porn, in the abstract. Like alcohol or guns, it's not the object that is the problem here, it is how people use them. I feel like he is having an affair...he spends all of his non-work, non-sleep time immersed in the computer (he also plays porn DVDs on it, wearing headphones so I won't hear, and switches to a finance website when he sees me coming) just like a man who is having an affair would do with his mistress. He doesn't want to have sex with me but I have seen him masturbating in the shower! I find myself blaming myself...what is wrong with me that he doesn't want me anymore? What has changed? We used to have a very active, very imaginative sex-life...I can remember being barely able to keep my eyes open at work, he'd kept me up playing all night! That was only 4 years ago. yes, there was porn in his life then, too, but it wasn't a substitute for (or worse, preference over) a real live woman!
I just wish I knew what to do, where to begin, what to say? He told me today he'd rather be married and he'd swear off the porn, but that's not good enough. He's said that before and gone back to it when he thought my guard was down, and it doesn't address the real problem...he doesn't think there's anything wrong with what he's doing, he discounts my feelings (he keeps rolling his eyes when I tell him how hurt and rejected I feel) and when asked ANYTHING he either answers "I don't know" or just clams up. And as long as he fails to be able to touch the pain this is causing me, I don't see a permanent change in the future.
And I just don't know even where to go for help.
Vi If you are working on permenant residency and being with him will enable you to do so, then what choice do you really have but to wait it out?! I don't envy your position with the legal aspect of your life.
When you say you are not against porn, but HIS use of it, why? When you say you are not against guns, would it also be if they were actually used? Or do you oppose guns completely? Do you see where I am going with this? Its one thing to be against it, but why and if so, does that mean everyone has to be against it the same way????? What I am trying to get at is we all have different reasons for liking or not liking something, someone.......We can't expect everyone to feel the same way..Thats a set up for disappointment. Especially when it comes to men and women.
The fact remains, you do not have a healthy sexual life now, right? Thats what has to be looked at. I also do not have one, and it sucks. Its emotionally and physically damaging to any good relationship. And by right. And the fact that he does it when you are around and then manipulates it so that he hides it, making you feel more inferior. Its enough to make a person feel like they are going nuts!!!!!! Don't let it happen or if it does, be aware that it is psycholigical warfare and you and he are now enemies in full force!!! There is not going to be a resolution with this approach.
The way I would have done it had I known about it like I do now, I would have stated my case, my thoughts and feelings on it, then he would have stated his, and we both would work on that until we both came to some kind of understanding of one anothers' intentions or plans.
Don't back away from it...but don't let it go so under your skin that you lose all control over your God given rights. To be happy and feel safe. |
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