Replies to 'Getting Along With Your In-Laws'

I  could write the book on controlling inlaws.  I, too, have been dealing with this situation for a long time- about 20 years actually.  It started from when I first met my hubby and went from bad to worse to flat out impossible.

Not to make light of this difficult situation, but your one consolation is that they are not living close to you.  Mine are in the same town and have even stalked my honey and I in the past.  (Long story involving a camping trip, a tent and an unplanned visit on their part!  UGGGGHHH!)  Anyway, I have often wondered if we should just leave town, but then we would be leaving behind all our other family and friends.

But as to these constant threats about cutting off the tuition money, what if they do?  Again, I am not being flip.  Consider what this would mean.  Is there some way you could pull this off without their financial assistance?  Yes, it would mean sacrifices, but what young family isn't struggling to make ends meet in one way or another?  Of course having your little one would make you more cautious in this regard, but you also have to think about your own self-esteem and what your values are.  To me, my own self worth is more valuable than money and I would turn down a whole bunch of it if having the dollars compromised that.  Money can't buy happiness, love or companionship. 

Also, though, and I know this may earn me a lot of angry replies but I still say this, it is a parent's financial obligation to educate their child.  Period.  And I only say this in the case where the parents are able to do so, not if it would mean financial hardship of course, but you say the inlaws are well-heeled money wise.  In this day and age an education isn't a luxury, it's a necessity.  How dare his parents hold this over his head in this manner?  To me that isn't love.  That's trying to hold your grown children emotional hostages while you run their lives, which is totally inappropriate.  Not to mention that they are putting a huge wedge between the two of you.  It's that old "divide and conquer" strategy, I believe.

Let me qualify this though- if your partner was skipping off all his classes, earning D's or majoring in the party lifestyle and just plain bombing out, I would say his folks are justified in threatening to cut him off.  But if he is being responsible and not taking their financial support for granted, then their attitude seems untoward.  Perhaps they are a really enmeshed family and your partner "escaped" to Down Under for just that reason???

About the inlaws lack of acceptance- it is not their place to accept you or not.  Their son CHOSE YOU for his partner.  They either accept that, or they do not have a place in your lives.  Your husband needs to have this understood and should no matter what the consequences.  I am not saying to be right at all costs, but I just feel that as Dr. Phil is always reminding us on his shows, it is a partner's responsibility to make sure that their family treats the partner with respect.  They may not be close friends, but they do have to be civil.  Your hubby can do this in small ways that do not necessarily rock the boat or he can just flat out confront them with it and hope for the best. 

Either way, this will continue to be an issue between the two of you and your child will be dragged into it as well- kids can always sense tension in the household, make no mistake.  I wish my husband had dealt with it at an earlier stage instead of taking the ignoring it approach.  This has now resulted in a total split with the family, with almost no one on his side remaining neutral.  Finally, after a few years, he and the kids are able to visit occasionally with his kin, but the relationship will never be what it was.

So Fiona, really search your heart and make sure you tell your honey all you are feeling.  Both of you have to make a decision about what is best to do and it shouldn't be based on his fear of his controlling parents.  You are grown-ups with your own family unit now and cannot successfully live your lives on someone else's terms.  Sooner or later, the piper must be paid.  It's up to you when.

Good luck.

SB