Replies to '07/17 Mommy Dearest'
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April 3, 2006, 8:35 am PDT
 Quote From: vdixon79 I also have a mommy dearest. I think my Mama had a nervous breakdown when she turned 30 or so. My younger sister was born right before that. My normal life stopped there. I became Mama's mama after that in a lot of ways. My dad is an alcoholic and workaholic as well so that made things much worse. I always had to referee with them and Mama would have me search the house, vehicles, and yard for liquor bottles to dump them out from as early as 8 years old. Sometimes we did not have food because my dad would be out of work for weeks at a time. Almost all the time there was rotten food all around and if I would try to clean, Mama would freak out and make me stop. I never could have friends over because things were so horrible and nuts at my house. I've always had problems connecting to people and fitting in but always thought it was part of my personality. I always made really good grades in school though and I suppose I am quite intelligent. I ended up doing pretty well for myself considering the circumstances because they taught me how not to live and how not to treat my kids. I never realized how much they affected who I was until I went to talk to a therapist. My marriage ended right after my second child was born (he was born mentally handicapped) so I finally had to talk to somebody. It was there that I found a pamphlet on codependence that described me at that point to the letter. I realized then that I could change and I have. I have a couple of friends now and my exhusband and I reunited. I still talk to my parents and I am rather close to my mom and sister. My dad is still there, but still a workoholic/alcoholic so we do not speak to much. I still deal with some bitterness though I realize they probably did the best they could. The worst thing right now that I have a hard time dealing with is the realization that the rest of my family did not have anything to do with us because my mom would tell so many lies about them and she alienated us. My mom is still a pathological liar. I wish she would get counseling. But I cannot make her I suppose. I do wish though that I had a chance to be a child. I do have kids of my own though and I make sure they have all the things and get to do all the things that I did not. My point is though, you do not have to let your childhood define who you are. If there is a will to break the cycle, you can do it and have a good life. You also have to let go of the bitterness or it will poison you. Forgiveness is very important! Your comment about having problems connecting with people and fitting in makes me realize that I am not the only one. For the last 4 years I have been struggling to overcome my childhood/past. my mother was not an abuser she was abused by my father. Her pain was so great that she became a self-mutilator and was generally always hurting to much insIde and out to me a mommy. She died when I was 8 years old due to what I consider "cancer caused by deadly emotions". From this point forward my father lived with guilt and became a workaholic whom I watched try to kill himself when I was 9. These are the highlights of a childhood filled with sadness and non-acceptance and being the adult to make sure things got done to the point of spoon feeding my mother tomato soup because my father had beaten her up so badly. I struggled to understanad why me and it took a long to realize it had nothing to do with me, I was just a victim placed in the "war-zone" without choice. In my college humanities class we were given an assignment to write something special about what you learned from your parents growing up and mine was very short and simple. "I learned how to not live my life, I learned how to not raise my children and I learned how to be a strong pillar reliant only upon myself". When I looked at Marri today I think she wants the present and the future with her mother in a healthy state but I also think she is mourning the past. The past of not having a mother whose face lights up at the sight of you at the end of the day, mourning having a mother polish your piggies and kiss your "ouches". Who did she talk to about her first date, her first kiss and about the girl who said something rude to her in the bathroom at school. I think thats a huge part of Marri's tears right now. Marri, it will get better, focus on giving yourself what you need and above all keep your eyes on your children, I experience the joy with mine and it is such a sweet feeling. I wish you the best. |
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