Replies to '07/03 "I Want My Ex Back"'

If you ask me, he is telling you he wants out.  Just look forward and see what your baby is going to learn.  Obviously, he is very immature and needs you to make the move.  He will never tell you to go because he is a coward but he will never let you be respected again.  I can tell you this because the father of my two year old son was very similar.  Eventually he became verbally and so emotionally abusive that I left.  It was very scary and I found support in our mutual male friend.  The male friend and I became very close and I became ridden with guilt.  I cared about my son's father but enough was enough.   I never thought he would or could change.  What scared him most was when the other man proposed marriage.  He then realized how special I am and that many people see that quality that he took advantage of.  I made a choice to work things out again with him and it has been a very rough road.  Sometimes I am so certain I did the right thing being a family again, other days I feel that I will never feel that connection, the trust or passion.  It can be so hard to love someone who was so cruel.  And I am afraid of being hurt again so I sheild any feelings I may feel.  I feel that as soon as he is "comfortable" he will be in control again.  Good luck to you and your baby, I think you should look for support from friends and family to give you and your husband time to seperate and see if YOU even want this man in your life or if you are just dissapointed that he is not  interested in being a  family anymore.

Even with a psychiatric eval, I wonder if they missed the very thing that I knew about my husband but could never get him to address, until I left him. He has Attention Deficit Disorder. ADD has many symptoms and they present themselves differently in different people, but I can say this with certainty: ADD sufferers usually: 

(1)are easily distracted 

(2)have a low tolerence for boredom or frustration 

(3)are extremely impulsive  and 

(4) have a desire for situations of high intensity 

Now, where your husband fits the pattern, I can't say, or even say if he does have ADD. But you mentioned that he lacks responsibility and self control-two major symptoms of ADD. His impulsivity makes him do things without considering the consequences of his actions first. You say you feel he has no empathy for you-is it because he forgets things that are important to you?Spends money without considering you and your family first? Another ADD symptom. My husband spends and spends and doesn't know how to control it. He picked up other women and had sexual encounters with them.He can't stand to sit still for very long and always has to be "on the go". He can't ever sit down to discuss the finances or any other thing that is "necessary" for mature adults to do because it bores him to death. He simply could not do it and would not do it. I did it all; ran the finances at home and our business, took care of all household chores and took away his debit and credit cards-all but one that I could control, to curtail his impulsive purchases. Ladies, here's a clue: women aren't the only ones to become shopaholics. We think it's females that only do that, not men, but we are wrong. The difference between men and women shoppers is that women buy lots and lots of little things, while men go out and buy one major, expensive purchase. The similarity between men and women is that it all boils down to low self esteem-admit it; we go out and shop when we feel bad about ourselves or our lives because the purchase gives us a rush, doesn't it? It does the same for your man.It makes him feel better about himself and he believes that these purchases will make him look like a big shot to his friends because he is secretly seeking approval and affirmation that he is a good man. 

I'll be willing to bet that your husband didn't do well in school but mostly does well in the Army. The reason why is that while school is structured to a degree, it also requires the students to (1)sit still for long periods of time-something ADD sufferers find impossible to do, (2)focus on the teacher for hours on end (ADD sufferers get easily distracted) and (3) require the student some degree of autonomy to get assignments done at home, where they may not have a parent to stay by them and make sure the work gets done(easily distracted). 

Now, the military is more structured-an environment that ADD sufferers tend to thrive in. They need to be told what to do and they also have their unit to fall back on for their shortcomings. The military gives them the excitement they crave so that they do not become easily distracted or bored. 

Most ADD sufferers suffer from low self esteem. They have been told they are stupid and dumb since they were kids. They usually don't do well in school and the bad grades and insults from peers,frustrated parents and teachers further degrades their self esteem. By the time they look for work, they find themselves in situations that they can't control and so they find themselves working one job after another-usually getting fired. 

My husband destroyed the business we worked so hard to build up because of his ADD. Not that I am excusing his behavior, mind you, because he still owns the mistakes he made, but one of my demands to taking him back was that he be diagnosed and if he turned out to have ADD, he would take medication faithfully (another problem we had-ADD sufferers tend to forget a LOT, leading you to think that he doesn't think you're worth the effort). He went to the doctor,was diagnosed immediately and was on medication the next day.Therapy also needs to play a role; a therapist experienced with ADD will teach him tricks to manage the problem that go beyond medication. 

If he has problems with forgetting often, get him to use a PDA-most guys love techno-gadgets and if you can afford a low cost one, then he will likely use it because it's fun to use(go with him and hold on to that credit card tight!). Then he can schedule appointments, jot notes,etc. and have it all in one place. The trick to making it work for your ADD sufferer is making sure they don't lose the darn thing!We've bought a few but he's improving with medication...... 

Again, I can't say if your husband has ADD, only a doctor can do that (even a regular MD). But it's a thought that struck me watching the show this morning; that I was that first couple,too. Our lives are getting back on track and while not perfect,there are things you can both learn about ADD that will explain a lot of strange, hurtful behaviors and will help you and your sufferer to learn how to cope and manage the problem.Good luck and I hope this helps. 

We all have narcissistic traits. However. those who are the extreme have narcissistic personality  disorder (NPD). The best information online, IMO, is http://www.healthyplace.com/communities/personality_disorders/narcissism/faq_index.html. Then begin looking for message boards. You will be surprised at how many stories that will ring true to you. Most importantly, and perhaps most disturbing is that NPD is NOT treatable with meds or therapy. Thus, you must decide if you want to continue in a relationship that will not change.

 

My best,

PM