Replies to '07/21 Settle This'

I rarely watch a show on television at least not a show that I'm able to hear, but I did catch your show and I wanted to talk to you so badly, that I came to the site specifically to try to see if you were posting on the messageboards and I might be able to talk to you.

Heather, I understand your feelings one hundred percent. I'm twenty-four years old and I just had my first child, my daughter, in November. Even at 23, I was going crazy. I've always loved children, and I always knew that I wanted more than anything to be a mother. The reality of being a mother though, is quite different from the idealized image of motherhood that I think we are raised with in our heads. I'm not simply hear to tell you that you are naive or something condescending like that, so I certainly hope you won't feel that way. I am just here to tell you my story, and hope that it helps you both with the most important decision you will ever make.

First, and perhaps most importantly, parenting is never something that one person should be allowed to pressure his or her partner, husband, or wife into... I remember when my fiance and I were talking about having a baby, the conversations were all driven by me, and my desire to become a mother. In hindsight I look back, and I realize that while he didn't really know how to make a valid point, other than the financial reasons he didn't want to have a child, the fact is that it really doesn't matter whether he had a valid point or not. The only reason you really need for not having a child, is that you don't want to have a child right now. I think that's really what your husband is trying to say to you, and he is perhaps just afraid of your reaction if the only reason that he has, is one that he can't even put his finger on at the moment. If for whatever reason, Steve doesn't want to have a baby right now, it probably means that you should wait, because while you can be financially better able to care for a child, while you can be in better emotional places to care for a child, there is no way to prepare a heart and body for caring for a baby 24 hours a day. And, there is no way to make it ok to tell someone that his reasons for not wanting a child, or that him not having any reasons is not legitimite. The first step to being ready to being a mom and dad is not having your finances in order anyway, it really and truly respecting each other and having mutual desires about when and how you will parent. Until you both reach a point where you are both really on the same page, it's not right to bring a child into that situation. A child, perhaps second only to love, needs stability. A child needs to see the home environment as the most safe, secure, loving and nurturing place in the world. Seeing frustration, anger, potential fights, that believe me will come up as a result of one party being pressured into parenting can have a direct effect on the kinds of relationship your child will form in the future.

I think a lot of parents would have terrible guilt about coming on here and telling you not to have a child, or even telling you to think more about it, but I am trying to encourage you to really go over the potential future of your relationship as a result of having a child. Yes, it is a beautiful and wonderful experience, but you really have to consider whether or not it will be fair, not only to your partner, but also to your future child. Consider this: Why do you want to have a child? I know you certainly don't think it's because they are beautiful, or because it's biologically driven into you, but part of it is. It is a biological necessity to reproduce, and the biological clock you are talking about is, without a doubt, pushing you in that direction. However, there are so many other things to consider, which include but are not limited to the following.

A list of things to consider:

1. Will one of you work, or will you both work? Everyone has talked about finances, and how much money it takes to have a baby. When you are walking through the baby section, do you ever look at the formula and diapers? Formula is roughly 23.00 a can, and diapers are around 20.00 for 50 diapers. So, think about this, my daughter is 5 months old and right now she eats a can of formula in a week, and in a week being changed at least 7, generally 9 times a day, let's just go ahead a say that's 50 diapers a week though it's actually more. Before you have bought, a swing, a bouncer, an exersaucer, teething rings, bottles, pacifiers, books, lullabies, learning aids, high chairs, cribs, etc, you will have already spent around 200.00 a month. And, don't think that the things that I mentioned are really just extras that you don't have to buy. If you don't have a swing, by the time your baby is a couple months old you'll be ready to pull out every strand of hair you have. Additionally, babies get bored really easily, as their attention span is quite short, and they need constant amusement. That has to come straight from mom. The swing won't save your sanity for long, and all those other "extras" are for when your baby gets bored in the swing in just a few minutes.

Aside from finances:

Being a stay at home mom:

Your husband will feel like, most likely, that he has done his job for the family when he comes home from a looong day at work, and will be ready to relax. However, you'll have puke all over you, you haven't had a bath in days, your only companionship can't talk and spends most of the time crying, and you'd like a little time to relax too. But not only does your husband, potentially not want to help and is probably just as tired as you are, you couldn't really relax even if he wanted to keep the baby, because you have to make bottles for the next day, wash dishes, vacuum, sweep, mop, clean the toilet, wash the clothes, and do the other 10 million things you couldn't do during the day because you were with the baby. Which might leave your husband wondering, "What the heck is she doing all day?" Most men who work with wives at home want everything to be done when they get in, including the meals that don't cook themselves, and they don't really understand what goes into being home with a baby fulltime. This causes A LOT of fights.

If you go to work...

If you are planning to go back to work there are also a few things you might want to consider. Who are you going to leave your child with? Are you going to rely on daycare? Sure, it sounds like a fine idea, but I worked in daycare, so let me tell you a few things about it. Nine out of ten kids that I worked with in daycare were complete and total monsters. I know a lot of women think it’s important to work and take care of the family and try to do everything, and many are very successful, but in fairness I think you should know that in my experience working in daycares, I’ve found that only the ones with outrageous TUITIONS are good enough that I would consider leaving my daughter there. There is a max at most daycares of 2 teachers to 20 or more children. If you’ve had one child on your own, you know how demanding one can be, much less 20. The children at daycare, not entirely, but for the most part, have little or no discipline, and misbehave constantly. And I’m sure you understand, that they can’t discipline your child at daycare, nor would you want them to, but there is another thing that might shock you. At the facilities where I worked, you couldn’t even tell children not to do something. You had to redirect their “energy in a positive fashion,” which truly means they get away with murder. I had a child bit me, hit me, kick me, and smack me in the face with a shoe while I was pregnant and couldn’t even put him in time out. I had to say, “When you have something to tell me little Johnny, use your nice words, and we’ll discuss how we can meet your needs.” The tuitions that I’m talking about add up to several thousand a year, and a family without very good income will likely not be able to afford it. And none of this has even spoken of the separation anxiety and guilt you may experience being away from your child. There is potential here for serious emotional problems for you as a parent, in being away from your child, and leaving his or her care to other people, no matter how much you believe you can trust them. You might feel like a bad mother, you might feel like you aren’t doing your part, you may even become depressed. Feelings of guilt over our children can really hurt a mother, especially, but not limited to first time moms.

Are you planning to breastfeed…

I had a wonderful idea about breastfeeding. I thought that breastfeeding would be a wonderful way to bond with my child, and it would also save money. I would additionally be transferring to her my immunities for a longer period of time, and giving her the nutrition that only a mother’s body can give. Unfortunately, I had a lot of ideas that didn’t work out the way I had expected. Breastfeeding was only one of them. The idea of breastfeeding seemed really nice and really beautiful, I can’t explain it, but I’m sure as someone who also idealizes the concept of motherhood, you understand. However, after I started breastfeeding my feelings changed a lot. I felt very trapped. I was already exhausted all the time, and my baby ate every two hours, when she ate, it took about 45 or 50 minutes, and you count the time to the next feeding from the beginning of the feeding, not the end. So that means I was feeding her about every hour or so. I never got to sleep very long, and that would have been valuable time for me. I never even really got to finish a meal. One night I had just put the baby down to sleep, and finally been able to make a meal, and I sat down a spilled it on my lap, I sobbed for two hours. I had so much love and support from my family, but after I wanted to stop breastfeeding, I felt so guilty, and I was afraid what people would say if I quit, and I never expected to have those feelings. I’ve always considered myself very progressive and empowered as a woman. My nipples leaked constantly. Even with breast pads I lost a lot of bras. My nipples started to turn a flushed red color and it turns out I had mastitis. Well, just as I was about to tell everyone I made the decision to stop breastfeeding, the doctor told me whatever I did, not to stop breastfeeding, because that was a good way to make sure the problem got corrected, in addition to the medicine they had given me. All of this, and I haven’t even mentioned the pain. Even with the assistance of my sister who breastfed, and my mom who breastfed, and my friend who breastfed, I could not get my little one to latch on properly. What that means, is a LOT of pain. I hurt so badly I cried almost the entire time I breast fed after the first three weeks. I probably would have the first three, but I was so tired, I couldn’t even work up the energy to cry. I also felt like I never knew if my daughter was getting enough to eat. I’m sure she was, but I never felt comfortable. So, I got a little derailed, but what I was going to tell you, was that after I got over the mastitis, my daughter got thrush, this yeast infection in her mouth. The doctor told me it was no reason to stop breastfeeding. Well, my daughter passed this yeast infection into my breast, which made matters even worse. We passed it back and forth and neither one of us could get rid of it completely. My body and mind were spent and I was in severe psychological and physical pain, and I didn’t even want to talk about it, until finally I had to quit.

If you plan to formula feed…

If you plan to formula feed there are some other things you might want to think about, aside from the gross expense, which I can assure you, at times, can be quite frustrating. There will be plenty of people there to criticize you if you plan to formula feed and that’s only the beginning. Yes, it seems so easy to do, but it really adds even more tasks to your already hectic life. Not only do you have to wash all the bottles without fail, you have to boil all the water, you have to mix the bottles, you have to not rewarm the same bottle more than twice, it’s another time with which to keep up. Plus, different babies require different formula. After I gave my baby the same formula for months, she suddenly developed a lactose intolerance, which of course I didn’t realize, because she had been accepting the formula so eagerly for so very long. She screamed all day every day for a solid week, and if my mother hadn’t mentioned as a possibility there is no telling how long it would have taken my doctor to figure it out. She cried without stopping, without a nap, while I was holding her. I got to eat maybe twice every two days. I was at my wit’s end, and there was nothing I could seem to do to help my child which left me feeling like a horrible mom, not to mention that there were days when she had been crying so long, I didn’t even want to go and get her and pick her up, and that doesn’t just happen with formula feeding it happens a lot more than people will generally admit to you.

This is the fifth time that I have tried to write this email with very long breaks in between, because the fact is that I have no time to do anything that I would really like to do. I really don’t have anymore time to sit and try to tell you much more, but I would like to address one more issue before I give up on this post.

Losing yourself…

I don’t think a lot of people really give this enough thought before they have a child. Sure, you have already considered that the world you know will change more than you could ever imagine, but it isn’t just the world around you, it’s you as well. Since I had my child, I have lost practically every friend I have without children. I was a political activist and world traveler before I had my daughter, I went out and drank wine and champagne, and I worked for grassroots organizations. My life felt so good, for the first time in my life I felt great about who I was, and I thought there couldn’t be a more perfect time to have a child, because I was at peace with myself. Now that I have my daughter I am not at peace with myself, I don’t really even have a self anymore, almost any sense of self is gone, and no one even cares. My friends without children don’t want to spend time with me and my daughter anymore, because I can’t do anything I used to do. I don’t want to hang out with my friends with children, because they never want to talk about anything I’m interested in, and the life of a housewife, though it is my life, just bores me to tears. I am no longer a size seven, I look horrible in every outfit I put on… and you may think that sounds superficial, but my self—esteem is gone, not just low, it’s gone. I have no sense of myself anymore at all. I feel that I belong to someone else. Her needs don’t come before mine, it is all about her needs, and I have no time for me, and I really have no identity at all. I love my daughter with all my heart, but if I knew then what I know now, I would have waited, not just for myself, but more for her, because I truly think I would have been a better parent.

Good luck to you in whatever decision you make. I have so much more to say, but no time to say it, and my frustration is endless, that I can’t tell you all of the things that I have in my head that could help you, because my daughter wants to be on my lap right now 24/7. My best advice is just to listen to one another, and don’t do something that you can’t take back, without first truly being in sync with one another.