Message Boards
Replies to 'Defining Your Authentic Self'
|
August 21, 2005, 11:59 pm PDT
 Quote From: marcia52 Since May, I've been experiencing such great levels of fear & anxiety that at that time, I named it DYING. It was awful - thoughts of death & dying were taking me to such emotional shutdowns. I really believed that once I had bought closure to the goal I was working on, I would die because I had nothing else to live for. That I had done what God & I had decided was my life goal. I LIVED
In June, I experienced the same feeling and wrote and wrote about how it felt to me. I finally wrote my "decision" of what it was in my MEMORY NOTEBOOK so that when I experienced it again in July, I would be prepared to pick it up where I left off. I experienced the "dying" thoughts again and this time, I used my notes from June to help me work thru it. I named it DEPRESSION and acknowledged that I had lived it with for so long that I was sad that it was leaving me. And I wrote more words:
Depressive behaviors are habits. For me to move forward, I will acknowledge it and know it's over at long last. The sadness I feel is the depression. I no longer want this in my life. The sadness isn't normal. It's just a habit.
In August, once again for the 3rd time, I was bringing another long time goal to closure and the "dying" self-talk surfaced but this time, I conquered it. But the feeling/emotion that it bought returned and this time, I allowed myself to name what I was feeling. I felt I was withdrawing, I couldn't concentrate or focus, I felt a very deep pain within me.
I allowed myself to go back to when I first started to heal in 1991. I allowed myself to remember all that I had done to bring me to this point. The hard work, the reprogramming of all the programs that made me ME. And finally, I remembered when I first felt this FEELING of DYING -- I remember as a child laying in my bed crying because once again, I had failed or had been shamed or whatever sad event had taken place. I remembered how over the years I had laid in my bed feeling this same emotion that had no name. It was depression and it encompassed so many different feelings like:
I could never see the good or positive when this scriplt/tape began.
Today, I realized that I've been feeling this emotion/feeling throughout doing Self Matters work. That when I have to face my fears & anxieties, this feeling emerges. So I visualized what it was like and saw it like PIG PEN (the charlie brown character that always had dirt floating around him). I saw that it encompassed so much because it had been with me for so long. Once again, I had faced this emotion/feeling and worked thru it.
But this time, I was ready. I had worked hard on becoming the living breathing VALUES in Self Matter and I was finally able to challenge this PIG PEN emotion/feeling. I named it: I AM
So I've written up my challenge and as I brush my teeth twice a day, I will read my list. I will light my candles and release the "memory" which no longer serves me nor does it contain any truth of who I am. Every day, I will say who I am.
When I conquer another goal next month, I will be ready. I will have my truths ready to challenge the thoughts that stop me from living the life style I deserve to live.
I Marcia, have named what has been my memory written in lies and deceit. It does not own me anymore and I am not sadden that it is leaving my life. I AM. I read and re-read your posts. I even took notes from your posts. I think that it was ONLY after the 2nd reading that it came to me that my ,‘now’ descriptions of ‘feelings’ are very out of sync with the bizarre and devastating circumstances I have been writing about. I did just read the book when I first purchased it in March before I actually began to do the exercises. I think that I have SOMETHING absolutely imbedded in my internal function that takes a VERY DIM view of me appearing distressed or emotional in any way. It’s hard to nail. I think that I almost have an aversion to ‘being emotional’ or having negative feelings. I think that’s why I very nearly overdose on humor as a defense against the surfacing of ANY ‘negative feelings’. I don’t really know why. I suppose I need to stop and ask myself as I write about ‘feelings’, “Is this the truth about all that you think or feel?” Because I am now aware that I’m not in touch with how I feel, BY MY OWN DESIGN!!!! I don’t think that I would have realized that had I not come back to the boards and read your posts and then re-read the posts. WOW!!!!! So, now I will add that question to the exercises. Thanks, again! Brenda P.S. Interestingly enough, I was sitting there aware that I was NEEDING to remind myself to breath!!! I became aware of actually holding my breath through the last several ‘defining moments’. So it was so on-target when you said “just BREATH…” |
|
Return to the Message Board
