Replies to '04/13 Engaged Too Soon!'

Two years is probably long enough.  I am not sure I could undersstand putting off getting married for money reason; do you want a big wedding or something  ?  I think there is an inherent danger in cohabitation; men get complacent and women get desperate.  It is often a losing proposition for the women.  Do you still love him or you're just ready to get married ?  Don't get married simply because you're ready.  That is a sure recipe for divorce.  We,women, tend to want to get married after a period of cohabitation because it seems to make sense and it's uh somewhat a comfortable arrangement.  I have a funny feeling that you don't really love him; you're in love only with the idea of being married.  Men will marry the woman they love when they're sure of their feelings and WHEN they're ready (whatever that means..).  If they don't want to marry you or even set the date then it's time to re-assess the situation and make some rather drastic decision.  If he doesn't want to get married because you two argued then either (1) he was using that as an excuse to straddle the fence or (2)  he has an unrealistic expectation of marriage  or (3)  he's truly concerned about the fequency/quality of these arguments.  By all means, talk it out it happens to be # 3.  But my feelings is that he might have feft somewhat ambivalent about the relationship and no amount of nagging is going to make things better.  As a matter of fact, it tends to work the opposite.  IF you really love him and you truly feel he's the man for you then discuss the issue with him.  Be prepare to talk about selling the home you jointly own, split the proceed and go your separate ways if he's not prepared to move to the next stage.  Be strong, be tactful but be firm. 

I was with  my ex boyfriend for almost three years, after the second year he did buy me an engagement ring but he still couldn't bring himself to set a date.  He also had a multitude of excuses, none of which would hold water.  I finally said to myself if I am good enough to be a girlfriend I am good enough to be a wife. So I told him to hit road, and a year later I met the man that I am married to.  I knew our relationship was going to work, because we  were constantly moving forward, we moved in together, got engaged about four months after that and got married about a year later.   I just had our first child in January.   It will be painful and you will second guess yourself several times but you will be so much happier in the long run. 

For the record, I am not a young girl!!  I am well in to my thirties. 

  

Godd luck My Friend 

Forget about " ultimatuming " a guy into marriage. If both of you want to marry, then get married.

If one of you doesn't want to be married, then neither of you should be.

You need to talk with him about what he sees as the reasons he doesn't want to marry you,

and you have to make it utterly safe for him to be honest with you, and you need to NOT argue

his view of the relationship. Its his view, and arguing whether or not hes entitled to his view

will only prove to him that he should not ever marry a person who would deny him his right

to his perspectives.

Far too many modern women penalise men for speaking their honest views. Such women

should never get married. Ever. Period.

The same thing happened to me, except it was 4.5 years. Now we are engaged, and he is the one who asked me! This is because I broke up with him over Christmas break. Men want what they can't have, so I told him he couldn't have me..... then nothing would stand in his way of "getting me back". He couldn't wait to get married as soon as he realized what he would be missing. He even went to a psychologist to find out how he could be a better partner to me! So my advice is that you break up with him. That is the only way to find out if he is worth marrying anyway.

Me and my boyfriend having been living together for 4 yrs. and I can relate in  a way.  I was curious if he ever wanted to get married.  But, I realized that we are practically married, and it's not going to change when we finally get married. However, when I told my boyfriend this he said he really wants to get married.  He just wants to be able to provide for a family, and because he hasn't finished college yet, we don't have much savings. Maybe if you and him start some kind of savings or just a budget plan, he'll start feeling more comfortable about the future, it definitly helped my boyfriend.

 

And the arguments happen even after the wedding. It's just important to fight fair. Our arguments lead into understanding and compromise. So, I feel ok knowing that the arguments we have are something we need to get out of the way. That way we are less likely to find a 'deal breaker' after we've made that huge commitment.

 

But, I also think, if he knows how much you want to be married, he should respect that. And you shouldn't have to wait another 2 yrs. if he doesn't have any logical reasons for you two not to get married.

 

Good luck in love and life,

Reyna