Message Boards
Replies to 'Defining Your Authentic Self'
|
August 22, 2005, 6:32 am PDT
 Quote From: blgspc I read and re-read your posts. I even took notes from your posts. I think that it was ONLY after the 2nd reading that it came to me that my ,‘now’ descriptions of ‘feelings’ are very out of sync with the bizarre and devastating circumstances I have been writing about. I did just read the book when I first purchased it in March before I actually began to do the exercises. I think that I have SOMETHING absolutely imbedded in my internal function that takes a VERY DIM view of me appearing distressed or emotional in any way. It’s hard to nail. I think that I almost have an aversion to ‘being emotional’ or having negative feelings. I think that’s why I very nearly overdose on humor as a defense against the surfacing of ANY ‘negative feelings’. I don’t really know why. I suppose I need to stop and ask myself as I write about ‘feelings’, “Is this the truth about all that you think or feel?” Because I am now aware that I’m not in touch with how I feel, BY MY OWN DESIGN!!!! I don’t think that I would have realized that had I not come back to the boards and read your posts and then re-read the posts. WOW!!!!! So, now I will add that question to the exercises. Thanks, again! Brenda P.S. Interestingly enough, I was sitting there aware that I was NEEDING to remind myself to breath!!! I became aware of actually holding my breath through the last several ‘defining moments’. So it was so on-target when you said “just BREATH…” I learned the BREATHING TECHNIQUE from Dr. Lawlis' CD on weight loss. I was lucky enough to get the 1st set that enabled me to play it every night when I went to bed. I catch myself BREATHING all the time - it's like when it occurs, I know that I'm stressed out and I'm on automatic and need to tune back in to what's going on with me. The CD is also wonderful in that he tells me over and over again how good I am, how I deserve. I haven't played it in a while, but when & if I feel I need to do so, I will play it again. The 2nd CD confused my mind - it was helpful -- but it's the 1st one I turn to when I feel weak and need to get reinforcement. And Dr. Lawlis has such a nice voice.
Allow yourself to do the exercises as you re-read the book. Like I said, I've re-read the book so many times now -- in fact, I even have handwritten out passages because it's a way that I can learn. My book has been written in and highlighted. So that when I do re-read it, I can see where I was in the last reading. I also date each Chapter when I read it and when I re-pick it up. It allows me to see what changes have occurred in my life.
p.s. I post here when I'm healing a pattern. He is so right about acknowledging out loud - when I right, I tell myself - but you don't know these people but WHAT IF THEY MEET YOU, YOUR FAMILY, YOUR FIRENDS -- and then I write more because that's shame and guilt is speaking and I'm not going to reach closure until I allow myself to express my shame & guilt. If people can go on his show and tell it to national & international TV watchers, than I can surely sit here and tell this site!
marcia |
|
|
August 22, 2005, 6:59 am PDT
Quote From: blgspc I read and re-read your posts. I even took notes from your posts. I think that it was ONLY after the 2nd reading that it came to me that my ,‘now’ descriptions of ‘feelings’ are very out of sync with the bizarre and devastating circumstances I have been writing about. I did just read the book when I first purchased it in March before I actually began to do the exercises. I think that I have SOMETHING absolutely imbedded in my internal function that takes a VERY DIM view of me appearing distressed or emotional in any way. It’s hard to nail. I think that I almost have an aversion to ‘being emotional’ or having negative feelings. I think that’s why I very nearly overdose on humor as a defense against the surfacing of ANY ‘negative feelings’. I don’t really know why. I suppose I need to stop and ask myself as I write about ‘feelings’, “Is this the truth about all that you think or feel?” Because I am now aware that I’m not in touch with how I feel, BY MY OWN DESIGN!!!! I don’t think that I would have realized that had I not come back to the boards and read your posts and then re-read the posts. WOW!!!!! So, now I will add that question to the exercises. Thanks, again! Brenda P.S. Interestingly enough, I was sitting there aware that I was NEEDING to remind myself to breath!!! I became aware of actually holding my breath through the last several ‘defining moments’. So it was so on-target when you said “just BREATH…” Even though you responded to Marcia52, who's posts I appreciate greatly, something you said struck a chord with me. The concept of having an aversion to negative feelings, appearing upset, and the self judging that goes with anything we consider a "negative" emotion.
I have overdosed on humor for years. It has been my medicine, my drug of choice, and my diversion tactic to how I really feel. Today I work at understanding the way I truly feel at any given moment is appropriate, and what is not appropriate is to try to mask it in any way. Discovering this can be quite liberating, yet is not always easy.
Sometimes we program ourselves to certain behaviors because of other's reactions to our behavior. A good example of this is my boyfriend really dislikes being woke up at night. One night a blanket had fallen in between us, pulling the covers off of both of us. He woke up angry and throwing blankets in a sleep-fit. Well, I did not like that at all. I didn't like being woken up with anger. So, for the next month, I had blankets on my side of the bed and let him have the regular covers. I perceived my sharing covers with him as the problem, thus creating a separation. We spoke about it a couple of nights ago and are trying sleeping under the same blankets again, with the understanding that nobody is trying to have more than anyone else, it was just a freak thing.
The deal is I allowed his reaction to color my behavior. This was not appropriate on my part, because I was taking responsibility for his anger. Silly me...I could have just said to myself, "He's grumpy cuz he woke himself up" and left it at that.
Thank you for sharing what you have shared. It is good to read some of my own thoughts illustrated in such an easy to comprehend way. Teri |
|
|
August 22, 2005, 12:41 pm PDT
Quote From: blgspc I read and re-read your posts. I even took notes from your posts. I think that it was ONLY after the 2nd reading that it came to me that my ,‘now’ descriptions of ‘feelings’ are very out of sync with the bizarre and devastating circumstances I have been writing about. I did just read the book when I first purchased it in March before I actually began to do the exercises. I think that I have SOMETHING absolutely imbedded in my internal function that takes a VERY DIM view of me appearing distressed or emotional in any way. It’s hard to nail. I think that I almost have an aversion to ‘being emotional’ or having negative feelings. I think that’s why I very nearly overdose on humor as a defense against the surfacing of ANY ‘negative feelings’. I don’t really know why. I suppose I need to stop and ask myself as I write about ‘feelings’, “Is this the truth about all that you think or feel?” Because I am now aware that I’m not in touch with how I feel, BY MY OWN DESIGN!!!! I don’t think that I would have realized that had I not come back to the boards and read your posts and then re-read the posts. WOW!!!!! So, now I will add that question to the exercises. Thanks, again! Brenda P.S. Interestingly enough, I was sitting there aware that I was NEEDING to remind myself to breath!!! I became aware of actually holding my breath through the last several ‘defining moments’. So it was so on-target when you said “just BREATH…” Dear Brenda, I think what you are feeling, or not, is the response you learned at an early age. You have probably been using this same response for many many years and it is so ingrained as to be automatic. I spent years chronically depressed because I would stuff down any strong emotions like anger. I was completely shut down, depression and fatigue from carrying the facade was all there was. Sometimes the intellectual knowledge precedes the emotional "hit." You have opened the door though, and sooner or later, probably in a quiet, "open," state you will get an insight. And along with the insight will come a flood of emotion. Let it come, don't allow your automatic instinct to sqelch it take over. That was a response that served you well at a younger age, but is inappropriate now. I hope this helps. What you are going through is normal and will take some time. |
|
Return to the Message Board
