Replies to 'Troubled Teens'
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August 22, 2005, 7:29 am PDT
 Quote From: cmacollins I am a parent of two teens. My daughter is a wonderfully bright fun active 15 year old. Then there is my son. He has recenly (3 weeks ago) decided that he likes living on the street rather than being at home. I can't even begin to explain how I am feeling. Depressed, scared, lonely, desperate, confused, angry, and most of all ALONE. My spouse, I have been with him 10 years but with the last five being very sketchy. He will not even deal with my son, not one bit. My son has broken into his house and stolen from him. I know that is totally unacceptable and that my son should suffer consequences... but to be written off? Thrown away like trash? I just don't think that is right. I don't know where to turn. My son has been diagnosed with general depression. The psychiatrist prescribed medication, when I called them to tell them that my son was going down, they have not returned my calls. The police might go get him and bring him home, but I can't make him stay. Can anyone please tell me what I can do next? I can't just go on with my life as if nothing is wrong. That is what most people are telling me to do. Just sit back, the kid made his choice... To me that is just about the craziest thing I have ever heard. He is sixteen. not 26 or 36. 16. a boy, not a man. This just isn't right. I am going right out of my mind. All I want to do is drink. It is a struggle every day to smile at my daughter and love her. I feel cheated and worn out. Tired. If anyone at all has anything to offer, please please please... write to me. I am not sure if what I say can help or not, yet maybe it can give you some insight.
I am 35 now, but when I was your son's age, I was doing some very similar things. Now, there are gender differences, as I am female, yet the concept is the same I believe.
In general, boys act out with anger and things that tend to dismiss those that love them. I did the same sort of thing yet I did it with a vengeance. I was involved in drugs and alcohol, I found that the people I hung around seemed to identify with me and they listened. I had a brother who was the "favored" one, he was never in trouble, so he would get the praise and I would get the snub, so to speak.
It sounds as if you are not afraid to tell your son you love him. It is hard to face this sort of situation without co-parent support. If you do not have that, look to places such as this, as people here really listen and care. I don't usually post on this board, yet something told me to come here today.
When I was 15/16, someone sitting down and being real with me would have reached me. I wanted someone to see that what I felt, what I dreamed about, and my goals were important. I also wanted the drugs and alcohol. I too was diagnosed with depression and medication was prescribed. Funny thing is I tried to use that medication to kill myself. I took a handful of Elavil and slept solid for 3 days. Nobody knew what I had done. I think the irony there is my real problem was the drugs and alcohol. Nobody wanted to address this, or admit this could be a problem for me.
You have a choice. Try meeting your son on his level. Invite him over for dinner with no consequences, no lectures. Commit yourself to listening. He may be willing to tell you what will reach him, if you really listen. If this does not work, then maybe you need to involve yourself with one of the teen programs where they have lock-down treatment. It sounds very likely if he is breaking into homes, then he is involved with drugs. If this is the case, you owe it to him as his parent to get him into treatment. You always have the option of having him arrested and tested. Often times prosecuting attorneys will work with the parent in a juvenile case. He is on the edge of manhood, yet still has the child within him, and as long as he is doing things that arrest his maturity, he will remain thus.
I will pray for you. Your daughter needs your love and attention, and you owe it to her to not drink, but to be involved. I know it can be draining, I really do know and identify with this, yet, you have two children who need you. One is trying hard to get your attention with positive behavior and one is desperately trying to get your attention with negative behavior. Be loving, give attention even when you are tired. Quite often it is the child that exhibits negative behavior that gets all of the attention, and this is not a good deal. It creates resentments. Are your children close to each other at all?
Get some phone numbers, look for support groups in your area, and visit the message boards often. You are not failing, yet there is a reason your son has gotten where he is. It is your job as his parent to try to reach him. You are right, it is crazy to write him off, and you need to trust your heart with this. You have the right idea, now you just need the support to take the right actions. Good luck... Teri |
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October 28, 2006, 12:07 am PDT
Quote From: cmacollins I am a parent of two teens. My daughter is a wonderfully bright fun active 15 year old. Then there is my son. He has recenly (3 weeks ago) decided that he likes living on the street rather than being at home. I can't even begin to explain how I am feeling. Depressed, scared, lonely, desperate, confused, angry, and most of all ALONE. My spouse, I have been with him 10 years but with the last five being very sketchy. He will not even deal with my son, not one bit. My son has broken into his house and stolen from him. I know that is totally unacceptable and that my son should suffer consequences... but to be written off? Thrown away like trash? I just don't think that is right. I don't know where to turn. My son has been diagnosed with general depression. The psychiatrist prescribed medication, when I called them to tell them that my son was going down, they have not returned my calls. The police might go get him and bring him home, but I can't make him stay. Can anyone please tell me what I can do next? I can't just go on with my life as if nothing is wrong. That is what most people are telling me to do. Just sit back, the kid made his choice... To me that is just about the craziest thing I have ever heard. He is sixteen. not 26 or 36. 16. a boy, not a man. This just isn't right. I am going right out of my mind. All I want to do is drink. It is a struggle every day to smile at my daughter and love her. I feel cheated and worn out. Tired. If anyone at all has anything to offer, please please please... write to me. I went through the same thing with my son when he was that age. We lived outside the city and he had to go to school in the city. He never came home, wouldn't call and basically lived at friends homes and on the street for weeks at a time until I found him and brought him home. He went for help but nothing worked. I took him out of the school he was in and put him in a different school for children with emotional problems. He did well for awhile then it started over and over again. I remember feeling just like you and I did so many things at the time to try and help him but he continued to make bad choices. He is 20 now and an alcoholic. At first I thought he was just a teenager and kids do party. He has a driving under the influence charge in which he totalled a car with 4 people inside. He also took out a glass bus shack. Thank goodness no-one was hurt or killed. He has been taken by ambulance to hospital 4 times with alcohol poisening and I only found out 3 of the times because an ambulance bill came in the mail. He has been beaten up badly when he was drunk and had to go to hospital, smashed his teeth out another time and told me he was mugged, and recently he breached his court order from his DUI charge. He was to abstain from alcohol for 11/2 years. The police called me at 6am to ask me if I could pick my son up as they wanted someone to get him. He was lying passed out on the freezing cold grass, soaking wet as it was raining most of the night and temp around 8 degrees. Now he has to go back to court. PLEASE CONTINUE TO DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN so that your son can talk with professionals and get the help he needs. My son's father has bipolar and I am terrified that my son may as well. Recently my son told me he would speak to a psychiatrist but it takes about a year to get in to see one as there are so few in this area. I don't know how to get immediate help and I'm terrified his time is running out. I am scared if he takes anti-depresents and then he drinks that he will really hurt himself. My son needs to learn coping skills and learn to communicate his feelings. Unfortunately, he won't communicate with me and I made several appointments with doctors and specialists in the past and when the time came he wouldn't go. My son also stole from his family and sold the items for cash when he was 16 or 17. He doesn't steal now, but he is killing himself with an addiction. Being on the street and running around doing his own thing prevented him from growing in a positive way as a person and now he is an adult paying dearly for his past choices. Now he is an alcoholic who has trouble holding a job, must pay $7500. for the car that he wrote off, court fines, and ambulance bills. Now he has to go back to court on breaching his court order, still has very little coping skills and I am terrified ever time the phone rings and everytime he goes out. Do everything you can to help your son now - I tried so many things and I couldn't get through to him but I will continue to research and try to get help for him. If anyone can help please advise as this can't go on much longer. Please get help from counseling or a doctor for yourself as you need support through this.
Good Luck with Your Son |
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May 2, 2007, 6:16 pm PDT
Quote From: cmacollins I am a parent of two teens. My daughter is a wonderfully bright fun active 15 year old. Then there is my son. He has recenly (3 weeks ago) decided that he likes living on the street rather than being at home. I can't even begin to explain how I am feeling. Depressed, scared, lonely, desperate, confused, angry, and most of all ALONE. My spouse, I have been with him 10 years but with the last five being very sketchy. He will not even deal with my son, not one bit. My son has broken into his house and stolen from him. I know that is totally unacceptable and that my son should suffer consequences... but to be written off? Thrown away like trash? I just don't think that is right. I don't know where to turn. My son has been diagnosed with general depression. The psychiatrist prescribed medication, when I called them to tell them that my son was going down, they have not returned my calls. The police might go get him and bring him home, but I can't make him stay. Can anyone please tell me what I can do next? I can't just go on with my life as if nothing is wrong. That is what most people are telling me to do. Just sit back, the kid made his choice... To me that is just about the craziest thing I have ever heard. He is sixteen. not 26 or 36. 16. a boy, not a man. This just isn't right. I am going right out of my mind. All I want to do is drink. It is a struggle every day to smile at my daughter and love her. I feel cheated and worn out. Tired. If anyone at all has anything to offer, please please please... write to me. I know exactly how you feel! I can see my 16 year old son throwing his life away and I feel so powerless. I feel like some days I don't even want to get out of bed to see what is next. (Or have a drink). I am so upset everyday and my husband (of 5 years) can have an arguement with him and go on with his day like it never happened! I go to work crying!! How is that? Unfortunately, he is my only child and he refuses to take the meds prescribed to him. I just wanted you to know I could really relate to the way you are feeling and I hope things are better for you now. |
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May 3, 2007, 6:57 pm PDT
Quote From: cmacollins I am a parent of two teens. My daughter is a wonderfully bright fun active 15 year old. Then there is my son. He has recenly (3 weeks ago) decided that he likes living on the street rather than being at home. I can't even begin to explain how I am feeling. Depressed, scared, lonely, desperate, confused, angry, and most of all ALONE. My spouse, I have been with him 10 years but with the last five being very sketchy. He will not even deal with my son, not one bit. My son has broken into his house and stolen from him. I know that is totally unacceptable and that my son should suffer consequences... but to be written off? Thrown away like trash? I just don't think that is right. I don't know where to turn. My son has been diagnosed with general depression. The psychiatrist prescribed medication, when I called them to tell them that my son was going down, they have not returned my calls. The police might go get him and bring him home, but I can't make him stay. Can anyone please tell me what I can do next? I can't just go on with my life as if nothing is wrong. That is what most people are telling me to do. Just sit back, the kid made his choice... To me that is just about the craziest thing I have ever heard. He is sixteen. not 26 or 36. 16. a boy, not a man. This just isn't right. I am going right out of my mind. All I want to do is drink. It is a struggle every day to smile at my daughter and love her. I feel cheated and worn out. Tired. If anyone at all has anything to offer, please please please... write to me. Have you asked your boy what you can do to make him feel like coming home or working some other comprimise out? Have you asked him what you can do to help him not feel angry or what ever it is that he is feeling? or what it is that he wants to acheive from his decisions? Is he doing drugs? And no, I dont' think he should be written off and despite his father's actions, you need to reassure him that his father doing that doesn't mean he doesn't love him. Some people don't know how to deal with things they can't control, so they hide it, ignore it or what ever. DO NOT DRINK! that will only show your son that you are not strong enough to handle his emotions, his feelings, etc. Whenever you get the urge, remember that you would only be making his situation worse and definately harming him by your drinking (not to mention yourself and your marriage) Try not to be angry with your husband. Try to get him to be more honest with you about his feelings and open up to you. He is probably scared, frustrated and don't know what to do either......remember, his reactions may not be right.....but that's his way of dealing with it and he has to learn a better way....just like your reaction to drink isn't right.....that doesn't mean you don't care. |
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August 7, 2007, 9:37 pm PDT
Quote From: cmacollins I am a parent of two teens. My daughter is a wonderfully bright fun active 15 year old. Then there is my son. He has recenly (3 weeks ago) decided that he likes living on the street rather than being at home. I can't even begin to explain how I am feeling. Depressed, scared, lonely, desperate, confused, angry, and most of all ALONE. My spouse, I have been with him 10 years but with the last five being very sketchy. He will not even deal with my son, not one bit. My son has broken into his house and stolen from him. I know that is totally unacceptable and that my son should suffer consequences... but to be written off? Thrown away like trash? I just don't think that is right. I don't know where to turn. My son has been diagnosed with general depression. The psychiatrist prescribed medication, when I called them to tell them that my son was going down, they have not returned my calls. The police might go get him and bring him home, but I can't make him stay. Can anyone please tell me what I can do next? I can't just go on with my life as if nothing is wrong. That is what most people are telling me to do. Just sit back, the kid made his choice... To me that is just about the craziest thing I have ever heard. He is sixteen. not 26 or 36. 16. a boy, not a man. This just isn't right. I am going right out of my mind. All I want to do is drink. It is a struggle every day to smile at my daughter and love her. I feel cheated and worn out. Tired. If anyone at all has anything to offer, please please please... write to me. Yes, he is only 16 and you are right in my opinion to want to do something to stop his behavior. I am going through something similar except with a 13 year old daughter. I am hurting inside very much not just for myself but for her. I do not want to see her throw her life away as if it means nothing. I also do not have the resources that I wish that I could have. I would never in a million years let her see me destroy myself because of her. I am not afraid or ashamed to cry in front of her but there is no way that I will give my own power away because that will not help her at all. I do not feel qualified to give you or anyone advise, but I feel for you because I am in a very similar situation. Take care of yourself, at least try so that he can get the benefit of you as his mom and also your daughter who deserves you. Celia |
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February 28, 2008, 10:12 pm PST
Quote From: cmacollins I am a parent of two teens. My daughter is a wonderfully bright fun active 15 year old. Then there is my son. He has recenly (3 weeks ago) decided that he likes living on the street rather than being at home. I can't even begin to explain how I am feeling. Depressed, scared, lonely, desperate, confused, angry, and most of all ALONE. My spouse, I have been with him 10 years but with the last five being very sketchy. He will not even deal with my son, not one bit. My son has broken into his house and stolen from him. I know that is totally unacceptable and that my son should suffer consequences... but to be written off? Thrown away like trash? I just don't think that is right. I don't know where to turn. My son has been diagnosed with general depression. The psychiatrist prescribed medication, when I called them to tell them that my son was going down, they have not returned my calls. The police might go get him and bring him home, but I can't make him stay. Can anyone please tell me what I can do next? I can't just go on with my life as if nothing is wrong. That is what most people are telling me to do. Just sit back, the kid made his choice... To me that is just about the craziest thing I have ever heard. He is sixteen. not 26 or 36. 16. a boy, not a man. This just isn't right. I am going right out of my mind. All I want to do is drink. It is a struggle every day to smile at my daughter and love her. I feel cheated and worn out. Tired. If anyone at all has anything to offer, please please please... write to me. As a woman in recovery for 5+years and the mother of a teenage son I can absolutely promise you drinking will only make things worse for you all. Last summer I sent my 16 old son to SUWS of the Carolinas (I found the link on Dr. Phil's website) and it has changed our life. My son is back in high school, no longer using drugs and he actually likes to hang out with me from time to time. My son was also diagnosed with depression and the anti-depressants only seemed to make him worse. My ex-husband lives in Florida and pretty much left all the details of my sons troubles to me. That is until SUWS of the Carolinas forced his hand and made us complete weekly therapy sessions with our sons lead therapist. That was some gut wrenching Monday morning conversations I can assure you. Your son is a teenager he does not yet have the ability to understand the consequences of his actions. He is not yet capable of making wise informed decisions about his future. Did he make a choice, yes, was it a good one, No. Of course you can't do nothing-he's a teenager with half a working brain at best. Do whatever you have to do, call agencies, call mental health, call the police, and if that doesn't work the first six times you do it, call 10 more times. My advice is grueling and hard if you're sober and clear headed. It's impossible if your drunk. Please, please, please, don't resort to the bottle. If you think things are bad now, just add alcohol to the mix and watch your life implode. I have no idea if you have addiction issues,but if your son is on the streets and you are reaching for a bottle then please reach for a phone next time. Call all-anon, or AA, or a pastor, or a friend whose not a drinker, do whatever it takes to keep your mind free from mind altering substances or you will become completely unable to help your son. You are stronger than you think or you wouldn't have reached out on the message boards. Asking for help takes a tremendous amount of courage. Keep asking for help until you find help. Just don't drink today. Tomorrow, tell yourself the same thing. Just not today. |
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