Replies to '04/13 Engaged Too Soon!'

I think what Dr. Phil is saying is that no one will love you like you can love yourself. 

What do you want from anything in life? Find out, and then once you know that make a plan.  How do I get there? What sort of resources do I need?  

You dictate how others perceive and treat you. 

For example, I am a mother and a wife.   

My daughter needs my time and attention.  My husband needs time and attention.  I need time and attention.   

They don't care about my well being, not because they don't care about me but because it's human nature. 

So my husband expects breakfast on his table, a packed lunch to take to work, dinner at the table, washed clothes, clean house, a wife whose ready for her husband, and all this is about him, him, him. 

Now, I need a break from time to time, and believe you me, many many times, it's not enough to verbally say it, I have to put my foot on the ground and say, you know, It's my time off and if you want anything then do it yourself. 

So here, I loved my self and I gave myself what I needed.  He would not give it to me freely.  

Same with your job, friendships, etc.   

Even though, I am sitting here giving you advice, I am in most need of it.  It's hard and tough I know, but turn it to your benefit. 

  

Hi Beth,

 

What Dr. Phil means is that, regardless of how you were treated growing up, or in a bad marriage, etc., you've got to cultivate love for yourself. A lot of people feel like they're worthless because they were told they were no good as a child, a fat wife, bad mother (or father), etc. So regardless of what was dished out to you, you need to develop an internal locus of contentment, love, and pride with who you are.

 

I have been able to do this, and the payoff is extraordinary! I had tough teenage years...was told I was dumb, would never amount to anything, was a slut ( I was raped by a group of "popular" jocks when I was 13)...had years of builima and self-destruction after. Part of my road to self-love involved mastery and accomplishment...graduating high school, having the courage to move out of state and go to college, ultimately grad school. Doing things for myself that no one could take away. As I gradually became aware that I was indeed a capable person, my self-confidence grew, which drew people to me.

 

As my self-confidence grew, I became more and more interested in finding out who I really am. What do I really like? Dislike? What little things bring me happiness? I made a list of "101 things that make me happy,"...which included a sunny day, jazz music, a great pina colada, snuggling with my dogs, etc., and I've made a point since then to include those things into my everyday life. It has brought me such a feeling of contentment it is unbelievable. And you get to a point where you realize that you are worthy of respect, being treated well, and so on. I met an incredible man when I was 35, and early on I knew without a doubt that he loved me to the depths of his being. He has been a true gift, and loves me the way I deserve to be loved. In return, I love him back and treat him like royalty. People who feel good about who they are tend to treat others well, too.

 

It's important to mention, that he came along at a time when I finally became comfortable enough with "me" to let someone love me. I wasn't looking for a boyfriend, I was having lots of fun just being me!

 

You may want to read the book, "Simple Abundance" by Sarah Ban Breathnach. It's a sweet, specific book on how to bring joy to your life and honor the beautiful person you are!

Beth honey, you ask this question a lot. I' m NOT picking on you because I can see that everytime you ask it you are being sincere.

Now I have only read one of Dr Phil's book and I don't think it got into this topic, but I am wondering if someone can recommend a Dr Phil book or some other book that explains this concept in depth, because obviously you want to know the answer to this question.

So if anyone can give Beth a reference to this...cause I see she needs answers but I don't have them myself.