Replies to 'Relationship Myths'

Thanks for the info.

I knew he did it when we first started dating but he said he could stop anytime. He minimized it and said he only did it every now and then and he knew it was gross and he would stop. I didn't see anything happening long term with us anyway at that point and so I did not really care. He hid it very well and I even tried to start smoking so the smell would not get to me as much. He is a social drinker and only drinks one or two beers with dinner or while sitting around. He has started hanging out with new friends that are getting him to use marijuana which he told me he had grown out of and had no interest in. All these culminated within the past few months and I feel like I am being bombarded with all these unhealthy and now illegal substances. He has no idea how repulsed I am by this because I like to talk calmly. He doesn't truly hear me or understand how strongly anyone feels unless they are outwardly angry. He has to see a furrowed brow, hands waving wildly, yelling, and angry words. This is how he was raised and puts alot of stock in facial expressions and body language. I don't feel that true feelings can be recognized unless you stay calm and speak rationally and clearly to the other person. Then the process to fix it can begin.  I told him that I will not marry him unless he stops because I refuse to be a widow or have to watch him deteriorate and die from self-inflicted cancer. He is killing himself and I am not going to be brought down later on in life because he feels relaxed when using tobacco products or marijuana. He is an adult (32) and needs to find more constructive ways to relax. Read a book, walk the dog, paint, write... the list goes on and on. I have refused to kiss him and told him he stinks. I gave him my ultimatum about 10 minutes ago and he asked if I really felt that way. I told him yes and he said he would really work on it. Thank God! He truly is the best man I have ever been with and I would hate to leave because of a nicotine addiction. But now that I have said it I have to own my words and leave if he doesn't stop.

(convoluted -- complex, intricate, hard to figure out.)